What is the point of tomorrow?
That was the question I used to ask myself at the end of every day.
I grew up in Christianity, but it was when I entered Ngee Ann Polytechnic that God turned my life around. There I joined Campus Crusade for Christ (now known as Cru Singapore), where I became increasingly serious in my faith.
I matured spiritually through my Polytechnic years, becoming truly “on fire” for God.
After I graduated from Polytechnic, it was time to enlist for National Service (NS).
I could do it. I was positive I could keep my faith burning throughout Army life. So I started off excited to introduce my comrades to God!
I lasted about a year.
I read the Bible and prayed every night. But in time, I began to spend less time alone with God. Eventually I stopped intentionally praying altogether.
It wasn’t long before I fell into sexual sin. The deeper I sank into the mire of pornography, the further I felt from God. But I was adept at keeping my failings a secret. Telling neither my family nor my church, I maintained that “good Christian” façade.
I knew it was wrong. But I still indulged in the pleasures of the flesh. Lust ate at me from the inside, dragging me to despair and depression.
It brought me to a point where I started questioning my future, my life and my God: “If I can’t live the life that is promised by God, then there is no point in living.”
But that wasn’t a holy kind of resolve … It was closer to a suicidal thought.
Although it was small, a flame still flickered within me. I had a spark that still wanted God, and I knew God saw my flickering flame.
The Holy Spirit touched me with that song as the little flame within me erupted into a blazing fire. In that moment, I told God I didn’t want anything apart from Jesus.
“How can you continue to live for your own comfort after seeing this?”
On the second day of the conference, I learned about YWAM’s Discipleship Training School (DTS). The next DTS would begin half a month after I finished my NS.
Initially, I had plans to become a teacher at the National Institute of Education, but that course would only start nine months after NS. But since a DTS was six months, I could still make it.
This is the last chance I’ll give you, God. If not – I’m ending my faith. That was the ultimatum I gave to God as I signed up for DTS in YWAM Singapore.
If that desire in my heart was a flame, then it was as if God threw every combustible thing He could find at me during DTS. Breaking and restoring me each week, by the end of it, I felt like my heart had been transplanted.
As part of DTS, I went on an outreach to Cambodia. There I saw the physical and spiritual depravity of the poor, and heard a quiet voice inside me pleading, “How can you continue to live for your own comfort after seeing this?”
The experience made me question life once more: “What’s the point of living, if not for Christ?” So, when an altar call for missions was given later on in the course, I stepped up and shouted: “Here I am, send me!”
God took me seriously. The fire within me grew as I continued on the outreaches, and He helped me see the great need for labourers in the plentiful harvest field (Matthew 9:37).
He gave me a global vision as I moved to South Africa to attend YWAM’s School of Biblical Studies (SBS), Leadership Training School (LTS) and continue my ministry work.
THE GOD WHO HOLDS TOMORROW
It’s been just over two years since I joined YWAM. I’ve given my life to missions wherever God calls me to, and where I once rejected the idea outright – now I am proud to call myself a missionary.
In hindsight, God has been there through it all. He was the one who kept the flame flickering, and the one who fanned it when it was time to blaze a new trail. Sovereign and faithful, He pursued me even while I was chasing everything but Him.
If you’re questioning life, or questioning God, I’d like to say that I empathise with you. Frankly speaking, it’s not a bad place to be – just don’t get stuck there. This is a verse that encouraged me in the difficult times:
“For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:17-18)
God loves you. Only He is able and willing to take all your pain and affliction, and turn them into something beautiful. There is meaning to all of it – a message from the mess.
Look for it. In YWAM, we have a favourite saying: “As long as you say ‘Yes!’ to Jesus, He can use you for extraordinary things.”
I believe it. And I also believe that the most fulfilling and purposeful life that anyone can live, is the one that God has prepared for them. We should live for nothing less; die trying for our God-given destiny!
If you can find the faith, trust me on this: I promise that God has a beautiful plan in store for you. It goes far beyond what you can imagine.
He is the God who holds our tomorrow in His hands.