https://youtu.be/XKlNwf0QooYI’ve been a Christian since I was 13 years old. I’ve been in church for quite a while, in and out.

I’m 25 years old now. But when I was 22, I went through a breakup, leaving me quite lonely and depressed. Deep inside, I was lost. I didn’t know what to do. It led me to seek something to fill my heart, because deep down I was broken. It felt like there were a lot of holes in my heart.

This is where I started to drink and club. I even gambled and smoked, to the point where it kind of numbed the pain. It felt fun for a while because I enjoyed being surrounded by people, showing off my wealth and money.

Because I was gambling every day, I had that sum of money to open bottles for my friends, show off to other women, and just flex these things. 

But after the end of the clubbing sessions, deep down, I would feel lonely again because everything that I thought would fill me was gone. It just went away every single time.

When I went home, I’d feel empty-handed and really broken, to the point where I would make myself drunk and go to sleep. Then I would wake up again, go to the club, and start drinking again.

It was a repeated cycle where I was always at the clubs. Every week, I would be there three to four times. I did that because I felt proud and joyful at a place where I could show off, enjoy myself and not think about things.

I was quite lost. I didn’t know what to do. Sometimes I would have suicidal thoughts. I just really wanted to end all these things that I had in my mind.

2024 was a turning point for me. I found myself growing sick and tired of clubbing because I was constantly there. After all, eventually you just get tired of it.

I remember one day, I was outside the club smoking, enjoying myself, not distracting anybody, when I heard a voice that told me to leave the club. I was confused. Why should I leave at all when I was enjoying myself and didn’t want to go?

But right afterwards, there was a fight that happened between me and someone. A fight that became quite ugly, to the point where the bouncer came in and split us up.

That night, I went back home around 230am in the morning and slowly started to reflect on all these years.

I was on my kitchen floor, kneeling and reflecting, and while reflecting, I broke down. It was like a pouring-it-out session where everything flashed through my mind.

I remembered that it was God who told me to leave the club, and I hadn’t obeyed. That was how I got involved in that fight against five guys, which only started because I was mistaken for someone else, and ended up bleeding from my mouth.

Deep down, I wanted to stop clubbing because I found there was no meaning behind it. I was just always in a cycle, chasing temporary highs, feeling the same emotions and going home empty-handed.

In April, I decided to travel to Australia, and I went to Sydney alone to find my friends that I had met in the club previously. When I landed, for one whole week I didn’t manage to meet the friends I was supposed to find.

Deep inside, I couldn’t take that feeling because it was quite lonely, and I don’t like to be alone. I remember praying for the first time in my Airbnb bedroom, asking God, “God, can You provide me with a friend — a community that I can spend time with?” 

Later that day, I was on a call with my friend, Edwin, who was back in Singapore. He told me that maybe God wanted me to be alone with Him.

But I didn’t want to be alone. That wasn’t what I was looking for. Surprisingly, however, Edwin told me he had friends in Sydney, and he could link me up with them. 

That Saturday, I met his friends, Michael and Ian, and we went to the Blue Mountains together. That was the first time I really explored Sydney with a bunch of Christian friends.

At the top of the mountain, I was sitting down, chilling and enjoying the view when God spoke to me:

“You know, after all this while, I’m still chasing after you. All this while, you have been chasing after all these things. But I hadn’t given up on you.”

I realised God was still chasing after me. Then, at the same time, Michael came up to me and said the exact same thing I had just heard in my heart from God.

I thought, “That cannot be a coincidence.” It was definitely from God. I was in awe and quite shocked.

I remember I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to “lose” God again, because deep down, I wanted to feel loved.

Back at my Airbnb, when I was resting, my mind was racing. I really wanted to stay longer so that I could experience God again.

So I prayed: “God, can You please help me get a place to stay — extend my trip for another two weeks?”

It was a Sunday, and I was supposed to leave Australia to go to Vietnam. I was calling around, asking people if they could let me stay at their place.

On the phone call with Ian, he shared that he had a friend who might be able to open up his place for me. Surprisingly, it happened. A guy called Joshua opened up his house for me to stay for two weeks. That day, I missed my flight on purpose to extend my stay.

When I reached Joshua’s place, the friends I had just met all came together, and as we didn’t know what to do, I suggested going to a church. They said, “You know what? Let’s go to Hillsong.” And so we went.

It was the first time I had stepped into a church again. It felt familiar, but also scary, because I didn’t really know anyone and felt foreign to it all.

As they sang and worshipped, I was lost. I didn’t know what they were singing because I didn’t know most of the songs.

So I asked God in my heart, “God, if You can, make them play one song that I know. Then I’ll know You are real.” Surprisingly, the song right after was “Gratitude” by Brandon Lake. I immediately broke down into tears and praised God.

For the first time, I lifted my hands and gave it all to God. It was a transformative moment for me.

I felt connected with God again because there was a peace given to me. I found my heart feeling peaceful; I didn’t need to think a lot.

The God who sees me

I was really thankful for what God has done for me and how He has paved a way. After all this time of clubbing, drinking and smoking, God didn’t only see the old me — He still loves who I am.

When I returned to Singapore, one of my pastors from my old church, Pastor Ivan, reached out, wanting to hang out because he saw on my Instagram that I’d been going to church and spending time with Christian friends when I was in Australia. 

We met up over lunch, and I told him about my experience. That’s when He asked me, “Why not give church another chance? Maybe go for six months.” 

When I went back home, I felt convicted that there was nothing to lose. Why not give church another chance, and stay for six months? Surprisingly, six months became two years, and until now, I am still attending church!

As I look back, I’m reminded of how God has been real all along.

While I was chasing a worldly life – clubbing, drinking, smoking, gambling – these were just temporary things. They didn’t fill my heart at all. I remember how broken my heart was.

But when God came into the picture, everything started to heal. I’m not perfect, but I know God loves me. Through God, I know I’m not defined by all these things, and I know that God still loves me as I am.

This is what God has done in my life, and I truly believe that God wants the same for you too. What God has given me, He also wants to give to you!