I got into my first relationship at 18 years old. Because of that relationship, I felt like I finally had someone to rely on. My ex-partner became my everything for close to 10 years.

I was in love, and I thought my life was very blissful. We were even close to getting married. Everything felt on track, I was on my way to attaining the Singaporean dream.

But everything came crashing down in 2022 when he initiated the breakup. That was when my world completely fell apart.

When I later found out that he had cheated on me, it was extremely painful. I blamed myself a lot and thought I was the problem, even until the very end of the relationship. For about a month, I was in a very bad state.

One day, when I was on the verge of taking my own life, I took out my iPad and started recording what felt like a “last thoughts” video.

In that moment, I saw a message from his colleague that revealed the truth, that he was the one who cheated, and that was why he didn’t want the relationship anymore.

That was when everything became clear. I realised God wanted me to see the truth, especially when I was at my lowest point. It felt like He was nudging me, saying, “I’m not done with your life yet.” Knowing that he had cheated gave me the closure I needed to let go and move on.

At that point, I told myself it was my job to save myself. But I continued living my life without God. I believed the fastest way to heal was to be independent, strong, and prove to others that even after a nine-year relationship, I could bounce back and become a strong woman.

I started going out with many guys I met on dating apps because I thought it would validate my worth. I needed that sense of value from others. At the time, I thought I was enjoying life, and this went on for about two years.

But every time I came home after these intimate encounters, I would feel empty. I would question myself: Why do I feel this way? I thought I was having fun just moments ago. So why do I feel so empty inside?

I began to feel very lost, like no one could understand me.

Two years later, I met someone I thought I could start a serious relationship with. I hoped this would be my last relationship, the one that would finally work out. I was determined to make it successful no matter what because I truly wanted to settle down.

Even though he was a very broken man, that didn’t stop me from getting into a relationship with him. Eventually, he wanted to end things, even though I believed we could work it out.

I tried my very best to keep him, but in the end, he still chose to leave because he couldn’t handle the stress of a relationship, while having to deal with his own depression and drug addiction.

When it ended, I felt like something was wrong with me. I kept asking myself, Why is it that even when I try so hard to love someone, they still don’t want me?

I felt like a complete failure in relationships. I became very lost. I stayed at home, didn’t want to go out, and avoided talking to anyone.

Eventually, I turned to God as my last resort. I began praying, asking Him, “Can You get me out of this depressed state? I don’t want to feel this way anymore.”

I prayed every day, just hoping to be free from the state I was in. Each morning, I would wake up and wonder, Why am I even awake? I didn’t want to wake up at all.

Then I remembered a sermon I had once watched with my second partner. It had changed how I saw Christianity, because the pastor felt so relatable.

So I searched up for his sermons and started watching them daily, taking notes for hours. Slowly, it gave me a bit of hope each day.

I also began listening to worship songs. Without realising it, I would start tearing up as I sang along. The lyrics felt like they were speaking directly to me. That curiosity led me to watch livestream church services.

Gradually, I started coming out of that dark place. Even though I was still sad, I found the courage to speak to my mum again. She had been very worried about me, especially since I had stayed in my room for two weeks.

One day, I was feeling so much guilt within me that I felt very shameful over the things I’ve done for the past few years, but in that moment, I felt this closeness to my mum, so I opened up to her and told her everything and that I have also been praying to God every day.

She was so relieved to hear me share about that because even though I grew up in church and attended Sunday School, I had walked away from God for almost ten years.

I even asked if she would attend a church service with me, and she agreed.

When we went for our first service together, it was overwhelming. The moment I stepped into the compound and when the worship started, I couldn’t stop crying. I didn’t fully understand it at that point, but I could feel God’s presence with me during the entire service. 

Around that time, I was also reading The Purpose Driven Life by Pastor Rick Warren. One chapter about finding a church community deeply resonated with me.

Today, I’ve found a community in church that has helped me grow and heal. When I first came, I didn’t understand how people could love me when I was just a stranger. But their love showed me that people can care for you without judging you.

I truly believe God placed me in this church so I could grow with this community and not feel alone in this new season of my life.

For months, I cried at every service. It felt like I could finally let everything out. For so long, I had tried to be strong and independent, especially after my breakup.

But before God, I felt like I could lay all that down and just be myself, without having to put on a strong front. 

I didn’t have to pretend anymore. I could cry out to God without fear of judgment. That was when I realised that healing was possible and that I could start my life again.

It completely changed how I viewed myself. I used to define my identity by the person I was with, thinking I needed someone to depend on.

But through coming back to God, I realised that my identity is found in Christ and I am a child of His.