Ahead of Valentine’s Day, one of our favourite couples – CLIFF and WAI JIA – shares some relationship red flags to keep an eye out for (and how!) as well as a short reflection on who should make the first move.

This two-part article series (next piece next week, on God’s timing) is adapted from the Tams’ ongoing series on relationships. You can find more information, as well as details on their ongoing giveaway, at the bottom of this article.

What are some red flags in relationships to you?

CLIFF: I think my biggest red flag is having a mismatch of values that are very important to me.

For example, when I was single, God was growing my heart for the poor. I would often go on the streets to visit the homeless and share Jesus with them.

So, at that time, I decided that if I ended up in a relationship where I always had to explain to the girl why I was doing that, she was probably not the right person for me.

I think red flags are often hard to spot because we often put our best foot forward and try to impress others in relationships. On top of that, we are also more prone to be blinded when it comes to love. It might seem like whatever they do is beautiful, and their problems are just no big deal. 

So, I think it is really important to have people who care for us to journey with us, so that they can help us spot those blindspots and keep us accountable.

WAI JIA: I think many red flags that people talk about nowadays actually suggest a duality. Some people may look like people who love God on the outside, but on the inside they can be a different person altogether.

At the core of these red flags is a lack of integrity. And I define integrity not just as honesty, but as wholeness. When a person is acting differently in different settings, there is a duplicity and the wholeness is broken.

How can you spot red flags?

CLIFF: I think one good way of looking out for red flags is how people interact with their family, and also with their friends. And also – how they deal with conflicts.

When a person likes you, they’ll say all sorts of things that they know you like. But when bad stuff happens to them, when there are conflicts… how does he or she process that? Those are good indicators of how the person will be like in a relationship.

WAI JIA: Let me add a bit of context to that: it doesn’t mean that once the potential partner has a bad relationship with their parents, we just drop and run.

Because how many of us actually have perfect relationships with our parents? What I would say, is to simply use this as an indicator.

For example, if someone is always having to swear and curse at their parents, what you might want to do is address it in a neutral conversation. Ask the person to tell you more. I think a green light for me, would be to see that the person is willing to listen and get help.

If this person disagrees that they have an issue, but has real issues with dealing with their family members, then to me that becomes a red flag.

Who should make the first move?

CLIFF: I have been noticing this consistent pattern in young men, which I think may not be very healthy.

Many guys nowadays may have a girl they like, but they don’t want to take the initiative. They often say that they don’t want to ruin the friendship, and it can sound honourable.

But unfortunately, I don’t think that is right.

Be courageous.

As a man, if you’re going to be in a relationship, you are supposed to be the leader in the relationship. And how you can learn to lead, is by taking the initiative. The very first step in learning to lead, is actually asking the person out!

WAI JIA: I totally affirm that. On the flip side, I often have girls asking me if it’s okay for them to make the first move and ask a guy out.

I often advise them to ask a different set of questions:

• Am I insecure?
• Am I impatient?
• Am I presumptuous?

I’ve met young women who tell me that a guy really likes them. After all, he would spend a lot of time with them.

But the truth is, sometimes there are guys who like to spend time with girls because it makes them feel wanted and secure. And they might not be interested in pursuing a relationship.

So instead of taking the first move, I want to encourage women to put their first move in God. Pray and ask Him, “God, if this is the right person, give him the courage to approach me.” 

At the end of the day, you want to start your relationship right. Sometimes, it requires the woman to make space for the guy to take initiative. If you are always controlling and pursuing, the guy will never step into that role.

Some pretty fire points right? If you’d like even more you can watch the full video here. And don’t forget to head over to Cliff and Wai Jia’s Instagram to join their giveaway if you’d like to win a wonderful book about relationships!