I’m in that life stage where everyone around me is taking turns to walk down the aisle.

Meanwhile the only aisle I’ll be walking down anytime soon is the supermarket aisle.

I’m not bitter about it … Envious? Yes, a little. But I’m also conscious of the hard, hard work a relationship demands. After all, it’s marriage. Till death do us part.

And as I reflected about that, I came to this conclusion: Before even thinking of loving another person, we should take some time to look at the man in the mirror.

So to save us from heartache and frustration, here are three things we can consider before jumping in.

3 CHECKS BEFORE LOVE

1. Do you have something to hide?

“I’m gonna catch you!”

The two-year-old toddler I was playing with knew exactly what she needed to do – hide. So she closed her eyes and plopped face-down onto the sofa.
Her reasoning probably went something like this: If I can’t see them then they can’t see me too.

It’s endearing to see a chubby baby do that. But it’s excruciating when adults choose to handle problems that way, believing that if we just ignore the problem then it becomes less real.

If there is something in your life you feel you must hide – whether you’re afraid to be judged or scared of the pain – then it still has power over you.

A healthy relationship is when two, whole individuals move in the same God-given direction.

The things you hide don’t disappear just because you’ve buried them long enough. You cannot receive forgiveness for something you refuse to confess – you cannot solve the problems you don’t acknowledge.

So whether it’s an anger problem, an addiction to pornography, a pride issue, or a memory from your past that haunts you – would you be honest about it to yourself and others you trust? That’s the first step to healing.

If you hide it now, it will definitely resurface later. Hurt people hurt people. But God can mend any brokenness when we bring it to Him – only He can help us truly love another person.

2. Are you waiting for someone who will understand you completely?

Being able to finish each other’s sentences isn’t a sure sign of a successful relationship.

We must communicate our needs. If we don’t communicate what is important to us, we can’t expect others to understand. You must be willing to help others understand you.

They won’t get it. Nobody will understand.

Don’t write people off with such thoughts. Instead, consider if you’ve genuinely tried communication. We must continually do the hard work of understanding ourselves. We need to know the ways we give love and receive love.

If you struggle with feeling worthless, you will never solve that problem by finding worth in another person or a relationship. Don’t believe the myth of two halves coming together to make a whole.

A healthy relationship is when two, whole individuals move in the same God-given direction.

3. Do you think you deserve to be loved?

I’m sure you’ve heard of this famous quote by Steven Chbosky: “We accept the love we think we deserve.”

When I asked some of my friends if they feel deserving of love, I didn’t think that many of them would hesitate to answer. I didn’t realise some actually feel they don’t deserve to be loved.

So I wonder how many others also feel unworthy of love? When did they internalise that feeling?

The things we struggle with growing up – fears of abandonment, rejection, or failure – tend to be the same ones we war with in adulthood and bring into our marriages.

Deep down, we are afraid that the same things we’ve experienced in the past will happen again.

You cannot receive forgiveness for something you refuse to confess – you cannot solve the problems you don’t acknowledge.

Maybe one of these experiences made you feel unworthy of any love.

I once felt that way. I spent too many years believing that lie.

Love aside, what we actually deserve is death. As wretched sinners, we were doomed to die as enemies as God – but He saw fit to save us. He turned us from enemies into His children.

That’s what Christians mean when they talk about finding worth in God.

So don’t believe a lie – we were deemed worthy of love.

It doesn’t matter how your family looked like growing up – whether you had absent parents or toxic relationships. It also doesn’t matter how well you’re doing at school or in your career.

God’s love will always be enough – and it’s right there for you.

The way God sees us takes some getting used to. I can’t wrap my head around it, but He looks at us with kindness and mercy.

He sent His only Son Jesus down to Earth and to die, so we could trade our sin for His righteousness.

God is infinitely bigger than a relationship or marriage – so a life centred on Him is one that is free from such striving.

We are rescued from living a life where worth is found in relationships and abilities – where hope is pieced together from temporal, material things.

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” (Lamentations 3:22-23)

We will never be able to fully grasp how great, wide and deep God’s love is for us. But yet we can call Him Father.

If you’ve been waiting for a sign – then this is it.

My friend, God is not hiding. Be still. Talk to Him and let Him speak to you. He’s waiting for you.