TRIGGER WARNING: This article deals with sexual assault.

My first encounter with Christianity happened when I was in secondary school. But it wasn’t in the usual way that anyone would imagine. I actually got to know more about the Christian faith because I was sexually assaulted.

The sexual assault came from a friend back then who claimed to be a Christian. I often helped him with his schoolwork at his home, and it never felt unusual since his parents were always at home.

But one day, when his parents were out for dinner, the atmosphere shifted. He acted on his impulses and violated me sexually.

That incident shattered the trust I had in him and our friendship was broken. It left me feeling deeply hurt because I saw him as a close friend.

I also became extremely angry towards God because that person claimed to be His believer. How could this God allow His followers to do such a thing to me?

As a result, I started reading through the Bible in an attempt to disprove it. I wanted to know about this God whom my perpetrator claimed to follow.

Little did I know, reading the Bible actually left me deeply conflicted because I found the God of the Bible to be someone who is loving and kind. It was the opposite of what I received from my friend.

Since I was unable to make sense of that inconsistency, I just stayed away from Christianity for the following few years.

I went through life as though nothing happened, even though I was still being traumatised by that incident internally.

… that person claimed to be His believer. How could this God allow His followers to do such a thing to me?

Still, I was drowning in bitterness because of what happened. I felt like my self-esteem was crushed and I couldn’t shake off the insulting remarks that my friend had said to me.

I lost all my confidence. Answering questions in class felt scary, and being in a social setting with a large group of guys could also be intimidating.

That incident kept coming back to me through persistent nightmares. On some nights, I would experience sleep paralysis, or I would wake up in fear after dreaming about what happened.

To cover up the wound, I craved acceptance from the relationships in my life. I hoped to feel wanted and significant to those around me. But all these never fully satisfied me and they always left me disappointed in the end.

Second chances

Thankfully, I came into contact with Christianity once again when a friend from my polytechnic invited me to church. Despite my past hurts, I agreed to go to church again because my curiosity was piqued by the positive way that she lived her life.

Drawn by a strange sense of peace, I returned to the church week after week even though my struggles were still ongoing.

The true turning point came during one of the services I attended, where I encountered God and felt the deep love He has for me. That was the moment I prayed the sinner’s prayer and accepted Him as my Saviour.

I started to take God seriously and decided to live a life honouring God.

Even though the weight of my struggles continued to linger, things felt somewhat different. Because I now have a personal relationship with God, I could bring my hurts and grief to Him, and I could find strength in His Word.

God demonstrated His goodness and mercy towards me again during one of the church services where my pastor preached about forgiveness.

I responded to the altar call and decided to forgive that friend who had hurt me, because I know that I have first been forgiven and received grace from God.

Another pastor also prayed for me to be set free from these past experiences. While the nightmares and insecurities did not vanish right there and then, I continued to cry out to God for help and stand firm on His promises.

Verses like Isaiah 41:10 became an anchor to my soul in moments when I felt like I was drowning in those heavy emotions: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Since that day, the persistent nightmares started to gradually decrease, and eventually came to a complete stop.

While insecurities and relationships can still be a struggle on some days, I praise God that He has helped me to overcome my past, healed my soul and freed me from the captivity of my past.

Through these struggles, I am learning to depend on God and place my identity in Him, and Him alone.

All other ground is truly sinking sand!