As a kid who had good grades and leadership positions in primary school, I honestly felt superior when I received an offer to enter my dream school through the Direct School Admission (DSA) scheme. 

Feeling like I had climbed up a ladder that my primary schoolmates could not reach, I was confident that I would continue to thrive when I started off in that new, elite world. At least that was what I thought. 

The first day of school came sooner than I expected, and I stepped into it increasingly frightened at all the things that lay ahead of me. With each talk I listened to, new rules and expectations were added to all the pressure already stacked upon my shoulders. 

At the end of that first day, I was already questioning whether I was in the right place and if I would survive the next four years. 

From dream school to colosseum 

Competition is common, but more so in an elite school where you are surrounded by people who always score higher and perform well perpetually.

To me, their grades were like… stainless steel. These guys never faltered and hardly got rusty. Meanwhile, my grades were barely hitting the mark.

At times, I felt like I was fighting for my life in a colosseum. The competition was so intense and I was far weaker than the majority that I felt like I might be overthrown or disqualified anytime. 

I was confident that I would continue to thrive when I started off in that new, elite world. 

For many months, I thought that perhaps I didn’t belong there. Still, I did all I could do to get through quizzes that came one after another.

I remember breaking down one night over a piece of history homework that I did not know how to do, and I dreaded the idea of having to wake up the next day because I would have to struggle with that same piece of work all over again. 

Soon, the end-of-year examination came.

Since I was studying in an Integrated Programme (IP), there were no semestral assessments which meant that my end-of-year exams took up 50% of the weightage of my final grades, and that played a pivotal part in determining my promotion results.

Three weeks before the exams, I was so overwhelmed that I decided to stop going to youth service and cell group until my exams were over. In the name of “I need to study”, I even told my leader that I would not meet her up for any weekly discipleship. 

That did not turn out well though. I failed three subjects out of seven and I could not be promoted to secondary two unless I sat for a retest for each subject and passed all of them. 

My “never enough” and His “more than enough”

Soon, I was summoned to the vice-principal office which was where I told my year-heads, “I have really tried my best.” They looked me in the eye and replied, “Well, if you have tried your best and your best is not enough, try harder.” 

Though there was some truth in what they said, I found it hard to accept that. I felt that my efforts had been dismissed. I was so hurt by what they said that when I got home, I jumped into bed and wept for the next hour.

Yet, it was through this season that God would began to teach me what it means to surrender my studies to Him.

… my anxiety was replaced by peace after I told God that I chose to hope in Him and believe in Him no matter the outcome. 

I had one month to study for the retests, and I was completely lost in the beginning. I doubted God incessantly. What if I fail the retests? What if I get expelled? What if I retain?

Interestingly, it was in all these what-ifs that I found hope and faith. After a while, I realised that I had no control over the situation other than faithfully preparing for my retest; only God knew where He was going to bring me. 

So, amidst the confusion, my anxiety was replaced by peace after I told God that I chose to hope in Him and believe in Him no matter the outcome.

Glory to God, I eventually passed all three subjects and was promoted to secondary two!

Excellence over grades

I entered secondary two with a grateful heart and I was determined to work hard without compromising my commitment to God as I did in secondary one. In that same year, I joined campus ministry. 

Though I broke down from time to time as exam season approached, I would still always come before God to surrender my studies to Him before I sat for my exams.

That still didn’t stop me from failing five subjects during the end-of-year exams later that year. 

I found myself once more in the vice-principal’s office, told to take retests for each subject I failed. I was even more puzzled than I was in the secondary one.

My biggest question to God was, “I studied, I was committed to You, I did everything right… why did things still turn out like this?” 

I was confused, but I also set my mind on thinking back to God’s goodness to me in all the previous retests.

I came to see that though I may fail over and over again, I would never be in lack because of God (Psalm 23:1). I knew that He would give me what I needed. 

Trusting in God, I passed all my retests once again and went on to secondary three, where I began the academic year with an encouraging word from God.

I felt that He spoke to me about how He saw my effort and was pleased with it. 

I found my purpose in studying at that moment. My spirit of excellence was what glorified God, not just my grades. 

From then on, my posture toward my grades shifted. Each time I received my result, I had peace in knowing that even if I had barely passed, I had given my best and God knows it. That was what truly mattered.

An unexpected detour

At the end of secondary 3, I felt prompted by God to speak to my Year Heads about changing streams. I knew that if I were to change from IP to express stream, I would have less than nine months to prepare for the O-Levels.

Once more, I found myself in the vice-principal’s office having another serious conversation. My vice principal and form teacher talked me through the pros and cons that came with changing streams.

They gave me one week to decide, and I decided that I would transfer to the express stream, trusting that this was God’s plan for me.

I only had nine months to prepare for the O-Levels, but surrendering my studies to God were no longer a struggle – and I did well!

God had used my three years in IP to prepare me to learn what it means to trust in Him, and He was not done yet… because the next two years would teach me even more about relying on Him.

A divine arrangement

I stared at my phone, shocked and lost at 6am in the morning when the results for the Joint Admission Exercise (JAE) were posted. 

I was posted to a junior college (JC) that I had not included in my JAE options. Struggling to register the situation I now found myself in, I was lost for words. It was impossible.

Based on my results, I should have gotten into my first choice JC. I was devastated. I did not even know what to say to God at that moment, I just wanted to sleep it off.

But here’s the thing: the moment I closed my eyes, I saw water flowing through a braided river… and water from one source branched out to new streams.

Just then, a hand blocked two streams, and water stopped flowing in those streams of the river. Subsequently, I saw each stream being blocked by the same hand, one by one, until only one stream was left flowing. 

Suddenly, I felt an assurance that God’s hand was in this situation. He was the one who closed the doors to places which I was not meant to go and He would open doors for me to a place that was good. 

With that vision in my heart, I reported the next morning to the JC which I was posted to.

The moment I stepped beyond the school gates, the peace of God filled my heart and I knew that God had placed me there. With that, I told God that I was going to stay in this place though I did not understand what He had in store for me.

There were subject booths on the same day, and to my amazing surprise, this JC offered the exact subject combination that I wanted.

God prepared me for JC through my failures in secondary school.

Dropping one of my favourite subjects and taking Economics would have been necessary if I had been accepted into my first choice JC, a compromise I had accepted. But in this JC, I would neither have to give up any of the subjects I liked nor take Economics.

I was struck with a deep sense of gratitude as I saw how God had miraculously arranged for me to be there. 

Who would have known that the JC which I did not even look at in the JAE booklet would be the same JC that God had me attend because He had my best interests in mind?

The last shall be the first

Praise be to God, I actually enjoyed studying in JC because I got to study what I liked every day. Not only that, I was blessed with multiple leadership positions throughout my two years in the school. JC was turning out to be the complete opposite of my secondary school experience.

However, I felt God warn me about the danger of success even when I was performing well. With my peers looking up to me and my teachers expecting more from me, I felt it was easy to fall back into pride. 

In my time with God, He showed me that if I were to let my friends and teachers’ perceptions shape my sense of worth, I would be trapped again by the pressure of having to keep up high grades just so that I would not fall short of what I was expected to be. 

True enough, a big test of faith came during year two of JC. At that time, I was asked to be a part of the cast for an evangelistic production. Since it would be just after mid-year exams, I agreed to it as I would still have some time before prelims began. 

But because the invited speaker’s schedule had a clash, the date of this production was rearranged to be right smack in the middle of my prelims.

The moment I heard about this, I fell into an intense dilemma. Should I still be involved if this is during prelims? Would it really affect me? What if it does and I can’t cope? 

Unable to unravel this dilemma on my own, I went on a bus ride and rambled to God. In our conversation, I realised that if I withdrew from the production and, later, looked back to see that I hadn’t taken this step of faith during my A-Levels year, I would regret that.

That was when I felt God say to me, “Go, step out in faith.” 

So I did, and here I am now to testify that I performed better in the prelims than any other exams I had ever sat for, even ending up in the top 5% of the cohort. All glory to God!

Looking back, I can see that God prepared me for JC through my failures in secondary school. If I had not gone through the failures and surrendered them to God, I would not have known how to handle my successes in JC and bring them to God. 

Had I not learned to surrender my studies to God in secondary school, I would not have had the confidence to serve God amidst my prelims in JC. 

I’m a university undergraduate today only because God humbled me and taught me about surrender through being faithful in the small things.

He used my years in secondary and tertiary education to show me that He would take care of me when I gave Him the reins to my life. 

So, to all students out there, while it is important to honour God with excellence in our studies, never let your grades hijack the faith you have in God! He has your best interests in mind and He is aware of your needs. 

What God promises – He will deliver! You will never be in lack or be the last when you choose to put God first. Will you place your trust in Him today?