At the age of 13, I got into my first unofficial “relationship” with a guy from church. My family and church leaders advised me against it, saying that I was too young and needed more time to understand what a relationship really entailed and carefully consider what kind of guy I was looking for.

Honestly, I knew that there were red flags about his character, but I ignored them and kept telling myself that I could overlook all his issues and accept him for who he was. The feeling of being wanted by someone outweighed all else, and I could not care less about what others had to say.

But a few months down the road, the unofficial “relationship” ended. He and I were just too different, and it simply could not work out. Though the relationship was not official, it still left me hurting as I had given a part of my heart away so easily to someone.

The “breakup” somewhat left me feeling unwanted. The sudden lack of attention felt unusual and even incomplete. The status of being single or having no admirers felt like no one wanted me, that I was not desirable and not worthy of love and attention from men.

In order to fill this emptiness, I started talking to many different guys through text, ending up sharing too much of my life with them and crossing many emotional boundaries. This unhealthy cycle continued until I was 16 years old, when I met my first official boyfriend.

THE CYCLE OF HEARTBREAK

My first official boyfriend and I hit it off pretty well. On the outside, the relationship seemed to be almost perfect. However, as time passed, the joy-filled facade of our relationship started to crumble and issues began to arise.

He and I knew each other well on the superficial level, but there was a lack of spiritual growth together as a couple. The topic of God was hardly brought up in our conversations. Yet, I longed for someone to partner with me to serve God’s kingdom and grow together with me spiritually. Looking at my relationship, it was clear that my boyfriend was not doing any of that.

The deal-breaker came when I told him I couldn’t meet him as I had a committee meeting in church for an event I was helping to organise.

“Church, again? Why must you keep volunteering yourself in church? There are so many people in church, you don’t have to keep doing it you know! If you keep this up, I don’t think I can do this anymore. You don’t even have time for me.”

He made me choose between dating him or continuing to serve God. We ended our relationship at the age of 18 and within a span of two months, he was going out with another girl. I was devastated upon hearing this news.

Did our relationship not mean anything to him? Did he truly love me? Was I that easy to forget?

With my identity and sense of worth tied to relationships, my self-esteem was getting crushed every time a romantic endeavour failed.

I was heartbroken and spent many days and nights crying alone at home. The fact that he moved on so quickly made me feel worthless and unwanted. I questioned my value and importance and sought to seek validation from other sources, determined to latch myself onto someone to assure myself that I was worth loving.

Everything repeated itself the following year: I met a guy, people who knew him advised me against it, I went ahead to pursue something more than friendship and eventually he chose another girl over me. “Once bitten, twice shy” was clearly not a phrase that I paid heed to.

Why was I unwanted? Was I not good enough to be chosen? My status of being single merely served to confirm the negative thoughts I had about myself. With my identity and sense of worth tied to relationships, it was little wonder that my self-esteem was getting crushed every time a romantic endeavour failed.

DANCING WITH THE KING

It was tiring to live life this way. One day, I cried out to God, asking Him to intervene in my situation. As I cried bitterly in my bedroom, I played a song by Bethel, We Dance, on repeat. The song spoke deeply to me:

When my faith gets tired
And my hope seems lost
You spin me round and round
And remind me of that song
The one You wrote for me
And we dance
And we dance

And I’ve been told
To pick up my sword and fight for love
Little did I know that Love had won for me
Here in Your arms
You still my heart again

I felt like I was slowly surrendering my “fight for love” – the image of a father holding his child and dancing with her gave me an overwhelming feeling of God’s love for me. How could I be satisfied merely with the affection of men? How could I measure my worth with something so fickle, when I have an unchanging God who pursues me and loves me so fiercely and relentlessly?

As I enter my 20s, I often wonder if I will find “the one”. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to wear a wedding dress and what songs I would play at my wedding. But there is a deep sense of peace within me, and I no longer feel incomplete because I am single. I know that I am already whole.

To all the girls who have been through similar experiences, I want you to know that God loves you so much and sees you as worthy of love. Our Father in Heaven is pursuing your heart. His love never fails and never ends. We don’t need a guy, relationship or the status of “attached” to determine our value.

Instead, turn to God and run to His love, for He is unchanging. Root your identity in Him and find security in who He says you are — His beloved daughter. Whether you are single or attached, remember that only God’s love can satisfy us, and take joy in the season that you are in.

Liked this story? Hear from other God-loving and courageous writers who share their real-life experiences in Kallos’ new book. Teaching from God’s Word, they expose 10 common myths about love and sexuality, such as “The longer I wait, the fewer good Christian men are left. I might as well get together with whomever comes my way.” 

And if you’re interested in joining a community of young women to have a conversation on love and sexuality, check out Kallos’ 2020 Conference, Real Talk, which will be held on July 3-4, 2020. For more information, visit their page.