When I first started out as a keyboardist, I was told that the sharpening of my skills had to be accompanied by the refinement of my inner life. Or else, I would fall into merely doing rather than ministering.

I took that to heart when I was younger, but it wasn’t until I stepped into leadership that I discovered just how easy it was to end up “merely doing”. 

Stepping into leadership was an adventure. I enjoyed journeying with people through life and I loved the exposure to new opportunities in ministry. There was just one key issue… I dislike getting things wrong.

“I have to get it right.”

I would do anything to get things right (overthink and overthink even more).

• Am I running the cell group in the right way?
• Is it right to say this?
• What is the right way to examine my life?
• What is the right way to respond? 
• Is it right to feel this way?

Over time, my ministry became a whole lot of doing… with little imparting. Without knowing it, I began to function from a place of half-heartedness in my discipleship with people.

My inability to love and care for people with my whole heart formed a barrier between me and others. Even then, everything still looked fine on the outside to me.

I was receptive to feedback, and people “felt better” after talking to me. Everything seemed to be going right, so I thought I knew it all.

Well, I didn’t, obviously.

Thing is, a leader can’t examine someone’s spiritual condition based solely on how things look on the outside. So when I failed to discern the state of the hearts of those I led, that was my failure as their shepherd.

True enough, things started to crack and spiral without warning. They came like an earthquake that I was not prepared for.

• People responded in ways I did not expect
• I was going nowhere in my personal walk
• It felt like everything that I did amounted to nothing
• No progress
• No fruits
• No life

I started to doubt whether I was created to do this. Questions flooded my mind: “Am I not loving them enough? Have I not tried hard enough? What did I do wrong?”

Are you serving out of love or fear?

Amidst this dry season in my ministry, God showed me something deeper: my insecurities had been lurking beneath my life all this while. 

My insecurity fed on my fear of abandonment and failure, and even dictated my relationships with people as it festered in my heart.

How was I supposed to be a loving shepherd when I hardly had any love flowing in me? I knew right then, why my efforts in ministry were crumbling.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23)

I came to see that I had been doing ministry out of a wounded heart, but that was something I had brushed aside, thinking that “getting things right” was more important.

I was covering up my inner life with exterior works, while making no effort to address my insecurities with God.

When I realised this, a huge realisation sank in. Perhaps everything that I thought I knew – I didn’t. Everything that I was supposed to know, having been in church for so long – I didn’t.  

I knew I could not go on with ministry like this. So I came before God and repented, saying: “I don’t know anything, God.”

Next, I needed to relearn all the things  I thought I knew all this while. In doing so, I also told God that I need the Holy Spirit to teach and guide me personally before I can lead others in my ministry.

As I sought help and confessed all of this to my fellow leaders, my spirit was lifted through their words of truth and assurance. I found the courage to confront these things as I recognised how God’s community is truly a safe space.

Through what has been a very challenging and difficult season, God has nevertheless reaffirmed these three truths in my heart.

1. Ministry does not define your worth

“We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away.” (Isaiah 64:6)

God’s ministry is not a place of performance. 

My worth is not measured by the works I do – God alone gives me my value because He loves me.

If I were to measure my effectiveness with how others responded to my efforts, I would soon burn out and it is just a matter of time before my “ministry” falls apart.

Before we even think about serving or doing something for God, we need to be sure about our worth and identity in God first.

2. New wineskin for new wine

Ministry is a matter of life. I cannot keep reusing what was in the past, and expect new life to come forth from them. 

Having been in church for a long while, I have seen the way things work – but I never internalised the purposes behind the way things were. I just imitated what I have observed over the years. 

What I am beginning to see is that old ways that are merely repeated meaninglessly are not likely to be a channel of blessing to others. We must rely on God.

I have found that I need God to teach me new ways that lead to life, and it is only through listening to His guidance that I can experience freshness and breakthroughs in my ministry.

3. God cares about my heart more than my ministry

I daily remind myself that I am a child of God.

It is humbling to realise and acknowledge that God does not need any of my works. It is good to remember that man’s greatest works are like “filthy rags” to God (Isaiah 64:6). 

What matters to Him most is the condition of my heart. Is my heart wounded and bitter? Or am I finding rest in the assurance of His love? Through it all, God “looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7)!

God is concerned if there are things that are causing my heart to be choked up – much more than me not getting things right!

Understanding the purpose of this season I am has brought me to a place of surrender.

Now that I’m here, I’m starting to think that the formula to a healthy and growing ministry is: hard work + heart work. 

Whatever the circumstances look like, I know that the best place to be is in God’s hands and in the centre of His will.

The days ahead are challenging, but I have hope and joy in the assurance that God is the Potter who refines me. Through the breaking, we will grow from glory to glory in Him!