I am not the brightest student. Trust me, I really do study. But more often than not, my results don’t translate.

During exam season, I make sure that I spend as much time as possible burying my head in the books. As I don’t tend to do too well in assignments, the pressure to make up for the lost marks through the finals is immense.

I clearly remember my finals back in Y1S2: I was right at the bottom of the class for a module, and my other modules weren’t doing well either. And since they were core modules for psychology, taking an S/U wasn’t a choice.

It did not help that I was among a group of friends in my course who were constantly scoring As. Their discussions during group study sessions only made me feel inferior!

I felt the need to study even more because of that, and I was afraid of losing my friends.

Especially when I saw that they would discuss questions amongst themselves, because they knew I wouldn’t know the answers anyway.

No one understood how much effort I was already putting in. No one understood how stupid I felt. No one really knew what I was going through.

The thing was, while I managed to secure a CAP of 4.0 in Y1S1 after SU, I knew I was not going to be able maintain that in my current situation.

That meant there was a chance I would lose out on attaining my dream career as a clinical psychologist as only those with top grades can pursue it.

All these feelings and insecurities started to bottle up in me, because I couldn’t just tell my friends that they made me feel stupid. Really, it was my own expectations of myself that set me up for all this stress.

And as a psychology student, I knew I needed a break because I was tired and stressed. But after the break, I would feel guilty for taking it. As such, I was always flustered and unable to focus when I was studying.

It was a vicious cycle: I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep at night because I didn’t accomplish much during the day; I wouldn’t be rested the next morning and everything would snowball.

I was worn out. And the truth is that I was also starting to feel lonely, because I felt no one understood me.

No one understood how much effort I was already putting in. No one understood how stupid I felt. No one really knew what I was going through.

I started to isolate myself. I came up with the excuse that I wanted to focus, and that I could only do so when I am alone.

But the truth was that I didn’t want them to see how helpless I was, and I didn’t want to feel stupid in front of them.

It was then I realised that I wasn’t “lonely”. I was only alone because I had pulled myself out of my community.

I wanted a way out – out of this troubled mindset and cycle that was wearing me out. But there wasn’t anything I felt that was effective enough to bring me out.

HARD QUESTIONS

I was already a Christian and I knew that God had brought me through all the previous seasons in life like my A Levels and National Service. But university just seemed to be a different ball game.

I knew it was God who brought me into university by grace because I hadn’t done well for A Levels; my grades were A-C-E. Literally an “ace”. 

So I struggled hard to make sense of why God brought me so far only for me to do poorly and feel insecure about my grades. 

I could not understand why He couldn’t just reward me for being a hardworking student and grant me my dream career.

They were so many questions in my head about God’s goodness in my life, that all I could do was to pray and go back to the Bible.

While doing so, I stumbled onto these two verses that spoke so much to me at that point in time.

The first was John 14:27: “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

When I read that, I realised that I had been finding peace in people. I had “peace” when those around me didn’t make me feel inferior.

I came to see that if I really trust God, I can find peace, security and assurance in Him.

And I was finding peace and security in grades; whenever I did well in my results I wouldn’t be panicking. I was finding peace and assurance in my circumstances, believing that I just needed more time to study and would do better.

But the peace that the Bible promises is not in things like these, but God. So I came to see that if I really trust God, I can find peace, security and assurance in Him.

And such a peace, security and assurance are not easily shaken by anything, because I know that He is the one holds my future.

The other verse was Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I began to believe that what I was facing was for a good purpose; I am in good hands and my future is steady as long as I choose to look to Him.

The toughest pill to swallow at that point was the word “prosper”. It just wasn’t the same kind of “prosper” in my head.

I recognised that prosperity might not necessarily mean good grades. God revealed to me that good grades were what I clutched onto as my security, but that was not what He has planned for me.

So perhaps my situation did prosper me: I discovered where my worth was really found in, not in my grades but God.

Grades aside, He loves me, shows me grace and accepts me for who I am. I am securely found in God as His beloved child.

When I understood this, I found true peace.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that life became smooth sailing.

I still had to ask for God’s strength and peace to last me through each day and to help me fight all the insecurities in my head. I had to constantly meditate on God’s truth to remind myself of the peace I have in Him.

It is only when I remind myself of the truth – that my worth is not found in accolades but Him – that I was able to fend off the insecurities in my head. Only then did I find peace.

I am definitely still a work in progress.

Some of you might be wondering how that Y1S2 semester ended.

Eventually, I didn’t do well for the module I was struggling with and my final CAP that semester dropped to a lower class. I was undoubtedly affected by this result.

But this time, it was different from before. Even though I faced discouragement, I could choose where to place my security in.

I’ll definitely continue to do my best to study hard, but I have also gradually moved towards placing more of my security in God, knowing that as I put my trust in Him, He will lead me towards His good plan for my life.

So I just want to encourage those of us who may be facing similar insecurities with your grades as I did: place your trust and hope in God.

Only in God can we find that true peace, security and assurance that the world cannot give.