I had to find an outlet to relieve my stress.

I needed to feel in control of my life – to feel loved and accepted. I had needs in my life which that God didn’t seem to be able to satisfy. So I turned to lust, masturbation and sexual fantasies.

Lust was a great stress reliever, a good distraction from my current problems. It gave me a sense of control. The woman on the screen? She was mine: I could make her do whatever I want, make her sound and react a certain way – all for my pleasure and delight.

Whatever my imagination could conjure up – she had to do. She made me feel wanted, no matter how I looked physically. She filled the void in me. With her, I felt like something in life was finally going my way.

Of course, I knew it was wrong.

You don’t have to go to Church for your conscience to tell you that lusting over a naked woman is wrong. But I didn’t want to stop. It felt too good, the rush of dopamine through my body and the momentary high – I was addicted.

Besides, I found the Christian life boring. Obeying a set of rules in an ancient book? Nope. Not for me. God didn’t feel real so I decided He wasn’t really worth the effort anymore. I felt that if He was real, then He would have mended the hole I thought I had in my life.

He should have filled my emptiness long ago.

But the pleasure always ends once you’re past the climax.

I had to face all my problems and emotions – I had to face life again. And deep down I still felt empty.

Lust and masturbation, pleasurable as they were in the spur of the moment, weren’t quick fixes at all. Not only were they damaging, I was robbed of experiencing true lasting joy.

But the storm had long been brewing: I was living a false life, always putting on fronts in front of people.

Because I didn’t like myself. I was awkward, shy, mild and unsociable. I was prideful, selfish, short-tempered, disobedient and lustful.

And I felt pressure from everyone to meet certain marks – and I invariably fell short at all of them. That made me feel unloved, unwanted and unaccepted – like I was a complete failure. The ensuing storm of emotions – pain, doubts, anger, panic, sadness – would sometimes come all at once, leaving me feeling trapped and emotionally constipated.

I wondered where was God, and I was tired of the usual Christian advice. I didn’t really believe God was listening to my prayers at all – let alone fighting for me. I became cynical about everything. All the head knowledge of God’s faithfulness and goodness met a total disjunct with what I was feeling in my heart.

But I had to find a better way.

As indulging in physical pleasure proved to be self-destructive, I figured that there had to be a better way – one which led to lasting joy. I was looking for something to satisfy the deep longing in my soul, and that was something only God could do.

God covenantal love for me never failed no matter how many times I failed. He forgave me even when I couldn’t forgive myself. He didn’t condemn me even as I lived a life of self-condemnation.

Somehow, He tells me I am worthy to be loved even when I feel so unlovable. His is a love which pursued me even as I chased after sin and the world. It’s a crazy kind of love – it doesn’t make sense.

There wasn’t an immediate victory, but I began to learn to journey with God in my struggle. In Him, I can always find the grace to pick myself up and press on towards overcoming sin.

And God’s love isn’t just a nice concept to hold on to, it is made manifest in a Person – Jesus Christ.

I’m going to stop obsessing over finding the magic solution to lust.

I’m going to fall in love with God instead. I will explore the sheer depths and length of God’s love for me. It’s my only hope, because what I have isn’t a problem of lust or masturbation. Lust is a problem of not loving Christ enough.

Make this your prayer today: To know God’s love, to be fully known by Him – and to love Him back.

With each passing day, let the lust of your eyes dim in comparison to His glory.

This is a submission from a participant of our Greater Love Giveaway. From now till the end of March 2018, we are giving away a pack of limited edition Thir.st “Greater Love” Stickers in exchange for every story. Stories must have a personal/local angle and be of 800-1000 words. Send us yours here.