I’m a runner. I run from problems.

I’ve come to realise that I instinctively put up my walls as defences. I distance myself and turn away from hard times. It’s so easy to run when things are hard, when things get ugly.

Especially when it involves other people. I hate the idea of confronting anyone to resolve a problem or misunderstanding. I’d much rather take me and my friendship to people who actually care.

I just want to hide.

Sometimes I stop running long enough to realise that the ones I’m running from are people who really do care about me, who mean so much to me. But usually I don’t. 

Because when bad things happen, my pride or my insecurities surface, and my selfishness, my short-sightedness – just how ugly I truly am on the inside – is exposed, and rule my mind and actions.

I don’t want to face them, I don’t want to talk about them, I don’t want to talk to them. I want to run away and hope the issues disappear.

But they usually don’t.

Even when people reach out to me, I shrink back and withdraw into my shell and build up more walls. Thicker, higher walls. NOPE.

But over time I’ve come to let one small voice in, and He helps. I’m glad I don’t have to walk my journey alone and I’m glad I can trust in Him to walk alongside me, to clean out my wounds, no matter how much it hurts. That’s the best way to ensure wounds heal well.

My Father reveals what’s ugly inside me, what gashes are infected, and even how I can help Him along in my healing process. I just need to let Him in. I may still struggle to be open and vulnerable not only to Him, but also to the people around me – but I’m learning.

I’m learning that I can run to Him instead of running away from my problems – that I can hide my heart in Him.

I don’t have everything all figured out – but that’s okay, because my Father does.

And when I do so, He tells me the areas where I’m insecure, the areas where I’ve been hurt. He’s always there to provide His perspective. And this is His perspective: I am whole in Him. I am secure in Him. He loves me fully and I don’t need to change any part of me to please anyone else because He has made me like this.

By the way, I don’t mean, like, sin issues. Of course those need to be addressed. That’s not the way He made me – and so that’s something we all need to work on.

What I mean is I need to learn to appreciate and embrace the personality He gave me. If people think I’m too aggressive, too serious, too boring, if people think I can’t have fun – that doesn’t matter to Him and it shouldn’t matter to me.

I am whole in Him.

I’m glad I’ve learnt to rest secure in Him, knowing that He’s made me like this. I don’t need to force myself to be bubbly or smiley when I don’t feel it. I want to be authentic to myself. I want to acknowledge what goes on in my heart, and not feel like I have to run away from talking about it. Because it’s okay to not be okay.

I just need to seek Him.

I need to set aside some time to bring it all before God, who will help me sort things out. I don’t have everything all figured out – but that’s okay, because my Father does. And I trust Him with my heart.

This article was adapted from a blogpost.