I tried to be the perfect girl. I thought that amid all the hustle and bustle, I was discovering myself. I thought I knew it all. I thought I had figured everything out, had my future panned out in front of me.

Great school, good grades. I was kind, helpful, gracious.

Oh boy, how wrong I was. I was like a haphazard driver trying to let the car drive on its own without steering the wheel and praying that God would keep me safe.

I was caught in a double bind in almost everything I had on hand. My commitments, my personal struggles and my life. And I wasn’t sure what I could do next.

I tried to be the perfect girl. But reality hit hard, and I started seeing how I was the embodiment of imperfection.

Reality confronted me; underneath the smile and mingling with people, I craved attention from my friends and family. I wanted people to notice me for once. I wanted to stand out among the crowd just like all the other popular kids. I lusted after showers of gifts, words of praises and pats of reassurances. I tried too hard.

Reality fought hard against me; beneath every seemingly intelligent response was a shallow mindset. I desired to be that role model that people looked up to. I coveted nods of approval from my professors and lecturers, to be recognised as an intelligent individual. 

Reality is hypocritical; behind all the godly actions, saying grace, and serving in different ministries, I was straying further from God. I had little motivation to do my quiet time, I didn’t want to go to church any more than I needed to and the last person I wanted to communicate with was God.

You know what’s scary about life? When it goes bad, it usually doesn’t turn bad suddenly. It changes gradually – so gradually that I missed the signs. So gradual that I had become blind to what I had become.

I was convinced that the perpetually busy schedule of my life meant that everything was and will be okay.

But subtly, loneliness, burnout, enmity and self-centeredness crept in. I was upset, easily angered, lonely, lazy and lofty. You know what’s scary about life? When it goes bad, it usually doesn’t turn bad suddenly. It changes gradually – so gradually that I missed the signs. So gradual that I had become blind to what I had become.

Then God started tearing down the façade.

He made me drop the masquerade, and peer into the brokenness of my Christian walk. I lost more friends than I gained. My grades dipped. My confidence spiralled downhill. Church became a blur.

And that was where Grace reached out for me. This was when Mercy poured down on me. This is when, after months of travelling through the wilderness, the light shone the brightest.

I broke down. I cried. And I prayed hard for God to lead me out. I am unworthy of all the kindness and faithfulness you have shown your servant. (Genesis 32:10)

God heard me. God renewed me, despite my ungodliness. I felt unworthy, but was reminded and humbled by how an Almighty God came down to display His love for us.

Bit by bit, I started living for God again. Not out of religious obligation, but of a heart that yearns for repentance and forgiveness.

Just as He melted the heart of Saul/Paul, He melted mine. As I worshipped, He calmed me. As I read the Bible, He enlightened me. As I studied, He gave me understanding. And as I prayed, He answered. (Acts 17:27)

Bit by bit, I started living for God again. Not out of religious obligation, but of a heart that yearns for repentance and forgiveness.

I became excited to serve; in fact, the thought rejuvenated me. Schooling became less mundane and more meaningful as I figured out what my purpose was on campus. Friends approached me, old and new. Life became purpose-driven.

I’m not implying that my life is now perfect and smooth-sailing. It never is. But simply put, I am now reassured of God’s Sovereignty and His plans for me, and I’ve given an extra portion of joy and strength.

I’m learning to be real with myself, and more importantly, to be real with God. I’m stepping into the light to confess my hidden sins, to seek God for a purified and cleansed heart. To ask Him for forgiveness, and for courage and strength.

I always was, still am, and will always be the daughter of the Lord Most High – a child of the most loving God.