I don’t know if I was born the independent type, but somewhere along the way I actively sought to develop the ability to take care of myself.

Having always dreamt of living alone, I looked to move out when I started a full-time job. Eventually, I left Singapore for the enigmatic, multi-faceted country of Japan without even first understanding the language and culture.

The freedom to choose what I want to do had always been something I delighted in, and I did not want anyone – maybe even God – to direct my path. This was despite having grown up in a Christian home, being a member of a biblically sound church and serving as a youth group leader.

While I still relish the flexibility and possibilities of my life here, I am now aware that it can come at a dangerous price: self-sufficiency.

Charles Spurgeon once warned, “Do not become self-sufficient. Self-sufficiency is Satan’s net where he catches men, like poor silly fish, and destroys them.”

I honed my self-sufficiency into an art. I established a fulfilling life in Japan, tackling all the legal, cultural and linguistic obstacles a foreigner has to face here. And in my limited Japanese, I did it all by myself – refusing to ask for any help.

I took careful measures to avoid developing complacency (one of the pitfalls of foreigners teaching English in Japan) and once, even laughably refused repeated offers of help from my friends to assemble a semi-double bed from IKEA.

So much pride. So self-sufficient. And just like that, I joined the ranks of Adam’s Eve and Austen’s Emma, set to confront my humanity.

If my life was a car on a journey, God was still in the driving seat, but I was expending all my energy trying to wrestle the steering wheel away from him.

Four things happened in dizzying succession immediately after this year’s CNY celebrations.

• My dad’s health suffered which stopped him from working.
• I needed help in writing my dissertation but could not get it.
• Relationship matters struck …
• My body joined the party – insomnia meant I only got 4 hours of fitful sleep each night.

Trying to tire myself out in the day just piled on the stress. Worry, frustration and sadness kept my brain awake for hours on end.

I was still going to church, still praying and still thinking my life was aligned to His will. If my life was a car on a journey, God was still in the driving seat, but I was expending all my energy trying to wrestle the steering wheel away from him.

The day after I handed in my dissertation, my friends (who live in faraway prefectures) turned up on my doorstep excitedly thinking they could surprise me, then hang out together to help me get over the post-dissertation stress.

When I opened the door and saw them, I started crying messily, uglily and without restraint. Stretched so thin mentally, emotionally and physically, I broke when faced with God’s love in the form of my friends’ surprise care package.

I was self-sufficient up to a point – and then I was not. When God wants your attention, He gets your attention.

My friends let me sob and share everything I had been going through as they made me a cup of coffee. That day, I learnt the consolatory magic that happens when love meets vulnerability.

God broke the proud person that I was.

But He also put me back together again as a new and humbler person – someone who is ready to serve Him.

Now I am ready and willing to listen and help others, and less quick to offer glib answers to those who are hurting. Because I understand suffering more now – I have become more human in that way.

So God placed healing in my path, making sure it was through others this time. No more of that self-sufficiency stuff for me. Healing started simply, and progressed into something so wondrous I can barely move sometimes – so enveloped am I in His mercy.

Over the next few months, I read the Bible more and more, listened to sermons, and found opportunities to serve in church and pray with others. I learnt that there is comfort in giving up control to God. There’s peace – not fear – in being vulnerable and asking for help.

Ecclesiastes 6:9 was an anchor verse that helped me align my will with God’s: “Better is the sight of the eyes than the wandering of desire. This also is vanity and grasping for the wind.”

I focused on enjoying the scenery of the roads God drove along, and stopped thinking of where I wanted myself to go. I concentrated on doing my work well. Served in church. Savoured the time spent with friends.

Gears switched, and we cruised along. Basking in the sunshine of God’s company, I believe He was probably happy that his passenger had finally stopped being a backseat driver.

I tapped into a true Sabbath rest and spent time with God, because when you love someone you want to spend time with that person. And God shows us the way to move forward when we spend time with Him.

For “He who would love life And see good days, Let him refrain his tongue from evil, And his lips from speaking deceit. Let him turn away from evil and do good; Let him seek peace and pursue it….” 1 Peter 3:10-11 (NKJV)

I sought peace and pursued it.

I actively prayed for peace, looked for it in the Bible, in others’ testimonies and in my daily experiences. I challenged myself to pursue peace no matter what happened in life. Every negative or positive thing that happens is an opportunity to develop discipline and peace. And so even the agony of sleepless nights turned into opportunities for remembering others in prayer.

“Trust in the Lord, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.” (Psalm 37:3, NKJV)

The most recent part of my healing process has come in the form of both passive and active actions. While I trust in God and wait on His direction, I do the good I know how to.

I wonder if Spurgeon envisioned self-sufficiency as a net not only because it enables Satan to ensnare us, but also because it prevents us from reaching out to take hold of God’s promises and “feed on His faithfulness”. It stops us from seeking out ways to depend on God.

I’m looking to never get caught in this net of self-sufficiency again, and through His grace, I might actually be able to steer clear of it.

Whatever happens next, I am buckled in and ready. Wherever God is driving me to, I’m down for the ride.