I grew up, for the most part, not having a father figure present in my life.

Mum was my only parent. My mum raised my siblings and I single-handedly and it wasn’t easy for her in many ways.

Compared to my peers, I had to grow up a little faster so that I could help carry the family’s burdens together with her. Things like working part-time in the F&B industry were what I had to do to support the family’s financial needs. 

She was my rock. We weren’t super close, but we always tried our best to spend time together, celebrate special occasions and share things. There was also an unspoken agreement with each other to ensure that our family and the house does well. 

The worst news

In 2017, we found out that mum was sick. She was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer, and it had already started spreading to her lymph nodes. She would go on to battle it for three years. 

I was 25 years old when I found out, and there were just so many scenarios, possibilities and outcomes that ran through my mind as I thought about what lay ahead.

I was also a nursing student back when I was in school, so the concepts of sickness and death were familiar ones to me. The cancer’s stages and potential outcomes that it led to… I had seen it all before and they were things I felt familiar with. 

2020 came around and her health deteriorated; her energy level depleted and her appetite wasn’t great. There was a lot of pain seeing her suffer, but at the back of my mind I just kept telling myself that everything would be okay. I was living in denial. 

I remember feeling a lot of fear and uncertainty about what life might look like in the future. The thought of losing her was something I never imagined I would have to grapple with at that age. 

Why didn’t I say sorry when I had the chance?

22nd September was the day that mum passed away. I remember feeling completely lost and unsure of what to do. Who do I even turn to for help? 

Eventually, the feeling of hopelessness crept into my heart and my mind. I would blame myself and question myself, why didn’t I apologise to her for the things I did wrong when I had the chance to? Why didn’t I spend enough time with her when I could?

Regret and remorse crippled me. The familiarity of the person I would come home to, who was always there to wait for me – suddenly wasn’t there anymore. 

I was overwhelmed by my thoughts. I could not come to grasp how or why she had to go so early. Where was God in this, and why is all this happening?

A part of me wanted to just collapse and not have to deal with any of it.

But another part of me knew that being the eldest son, with two younger siblings, I couldn’t do that. I knew that many things needed to be done, I knew that my siblings needed me to be around, and I knew I couldn’t just throw my life away.

Meeting Hope 

During that period of grieving, I met this good friend of mine, who would later become my wife. She was someone who was there for me as a support, a listening ear and a gentle assurance so that I didn’t lose myself. 

Because of her, I started going to church which was where I first encountered Jesus in an experience that I will never forget. 

It was Christmas 2020.  Actually, before attending that church service in person, I had already been listening to online sermons and worship songs. 

On days when I struggled to even get by, she introduced me to worship songs that gave me enough peace to carry on.

The first online sermon I listened to was about resting in Jesus. It explored a verse from Matthew 11:28 that reads, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest”.

And so, I knew in my heart that God was calling me to Him. When the pastor asked if anyone wanted to receive Jesus into their lives, I realised that I wanted that and I stood up to be prayed for. The pastor came and prayed over me and that was when I encountered Jesus.

It felt like… a breath of fresh air. It was as if every single burden was lifted off my shoulder, every feeling of worry, anxiety and sadness just disappeared in that moment.

I felt an overwhelming feeling of love and peace surrounding me. I knew then that it was Jesus, and that He is real and alive.  

Over the past four years of having a relationship with Jesus, life has been truly different because I know I can cast all my anxieties to Him. I’ve never felt so much love, joy and peace in my heart. 

I’ve realised that true hope lies in Him. As long as you call out to Him, He will be there.