It has been close to a year since I was diagnosed with a terminal illness at just 24.

I can actually say I was having my best year yet until that moment. Everything was going well: I had a high paying job, I was climbing up the corporate ladder fast and I was even able to travel a lot. I also finally made time to volunteer at orphanages again – a passion of mine at 19 that had been hijacked by my hectic student life.

It was then I started experiencing persistent headaches at work and even during my volunteering stints. At first I brushed it aside, thinking it was probably because of stress of the number of things I was involved in, until I finally had myself checked. That’s when they found the tumour. It was cancer.

The first wave of grief that hit me when I received the shocking news was denial. I tried to laugh things off while my family cried for me. I was adamant about keeping up with my normal life – work, travel, volunteer. Until I was advised to stop as I was tiring easily and there were surgeries and treatments coming my way.

Not being able to work or distract myself with the usual meant things started feeling really heavy. As I started to spend most of my time in the hospital, reality began to kick in – and it kicked hard. Facebook, group chats and other social media made me feel like everyone’s life was going on except mine.

I couldn’t help but feel as though I’d lost everything – that my plans and efforts to pursue my dreams had gone completely to waste. I felt like a burden. There were times when I felt so down that I kept on crying.

One night, while I was hugging myself and sobbing, God showed up.  When I turned on the radio and heard the song, Still, I knew He was right there with me, embracing me.

“When the oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with you above the storm.”

That reminder that God was with me brought me much comfort, and continues to do so. It puts things into perspective as well.

I’m still here; I’m still alive. Despite the test results, surgeries and procedures. Despite all odds.

It can only be God.

“My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.”‭‭ (Psalm‬ ‭119:50‬)

I am not physically healed yet. I may never be. But through Him I have found peace. God has brought healing in my heart and people along the way to help me along. I have met many who have helped me see life differently – people with all sorts of struggles and stories who encourage me, cry with me, hug me. Even the random “God bless you” lifts my spirits.

So I’ve been telling people that even if the test results don’t look okay – even if I don’t get through this, it doesn’t mean that He has failed me. It doesn’t mean that He does not love me. I know He has something better for me. Everything is part of His plan.

I know some people might think I’m putting on a show for others and for myself, like I’m trying to put on a happy front while being hopeless on the inside. Some would think it’s impossible to cling to God’s promises with these circumstances, others think that I’m being overly positive.

But what they don’t know is this: When life strips you of everything and all is unsure – when you get to the lowest point – that’s when His words will make sense and you’ll know He’s all you need (John 14:8).

Like everyone, I started this journey struggling to see why this was happening. I begged countless times before the Lord for healing.

But with every waking day, I see how God fulfils His promise of new mercies every morning (Lamentations 3:23). I see how He works for the good of the people who love Him (Romans 8:28). I feel how great of a father He is (Galatians 4:6).

So yes, I do pray hard that He cures me. I hope that the day comes when I get to tell people of my healing story. After all, this is my God who can move mountains! But I trust His plans and I know nothing happens outside His awareness. So even if He does not heal me, my soul will be at peace knowing that all this is nothing compared to what’s waiting for me (Romans 8:18).

And until that time comes, I will continue to encourage people who have not yet found healing to put their hope in God and trust His promises. And to show others that one can be at peace even when facing a terminal illness.