Pin-drop silence, palpable tension in the air.

The teacher looks directly at us and explains what pornography and masturbation mean to a cohort of Secondary 3 girls.

A rush of shame engulfs me, but I pull up a poker face. My heart beats wildly because everything she says is everything I’m doing. What does that make me? 

My friends whisper: “Who does that? Disgusting.” 

I guess that’s who I was. I was disgusting. And I was alone.

A lonely struggle

I’d struggled with pornography and masturbation since Secondary 1 when I first discovered romance stories and Japanese manga.

It wasn’t long before I stumbled onto adult content, which brought uneasiness but also excitement.

I didn’t even know that it was called porn. It was just my escape from the monotonous life of a student.

But this secret hobby began to consume me. My grades dropped, I grew irritable with my family, and church became more boring.

Though I did feel a pang in my conscience, I rationalised my actions every night. 

However, the more I learnt about God in church, the more I was uncertain about what I was doing.

God began calling me back to Him in Secondary 3. He opened my eyes to see that my actions were wrong, and I was convicted to stop.

Desiring to be a “good Christian”, I tried to change over the next two years. I deleted all the books with adult content, and started praying and reading the Bible regularly.

But it wouldn’t last long. Even after promising myself to “stay clean” after my baptism, I lapsed occasionally. Guilt and shame would follow, but I’d ask for forgiveness and try again.

I was always confronted with the same questions: How could I say I was a Christian yet still sin? How come I still wanted to go back? When and how can I truly be free?

Finding love and mercy

This continued until I was in my first year of junior college. It was Passion Week, and my then youth pastor encouraged us to pair up, confess our sins and pray for one another (James 5:16).

I was stunned. How could I possibly tell anyone? I was afraid. I didn’t know if I could still be loved and treated the same way.

Days later, my church screened a movie for Good Friday. I remember resonating deeply with a leper — a social outcast, plagued with incurable disease. Dirty. Disgusting. Unclean.

But what gripped my heart was how Jesus touched him tenderly, bringing complete healing.

To me, nothing said “I love you” like that scene. The Holy One was willing to draw near to those who were unclean!

And when I saw how this same King bore the cross all the way to Calvary, I was weeping in my seat. To think He’d extend mercy to someone like me who abused His mercy!

In that instant, I knew I’d found the One who knew me completely and still loved me completely.

“You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:6-8)

That day, I came before the Lord and sought His forgiveness. I acknowledged the ugliness of my sin and thanked Him for taking it away.

I surrendered my life fully to Him and asked Him to change me from the inside out.

I also took a leap of faith and shared my struggles with my cell leader.

When I did so, a deep-seated peace washed over me. Somehow, I wasn’t fearful of her response but felt secure in God’s love.

I really thank God that my cell leader did not view me differently. She encouraged me and kept praying for me.

That Good Friday awakened me to the depth and intensity of Jesus’ love for me, an unworthy person. It was this greater love that set me free from my love of sin.

That was the start of God’s redeeming power in my life. 

New life

Over the next four years, I still struggled with my addiction, but instead of hiding from Him, I learnt to approach His throne of grace.

I also memorised verses to help me in times of temptation and read up on God’s design for sexuality. 

Having friends to journey together helped greatly too. With their help, my first breakthrough was deleting my account from a platform so that I would no longer have access to stories that would tempt me.

I also remember desperately texting my accountability partners one night while wrestling with temptation. I was so surprised when they replied instantly with prayers!

Gradually, I felt God empowering me to say “no” to sin and to direct my thoughts to whatever is noble, pure and praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8). I fell asleep with much peace after that. 

To this day I still face temptation, but I’ve seen how God has been changing my desires. I no longer thirst for the same things; instead I want to live up to God’s call of holiness over my life.

I really thank God for Jesus, who loved me at my worst, and for the Holy Spirit, who gives me self-control.

I have no doubt that God, who is rich in mercy and abounding in love, will continue to carry me forward as I grow deep into Him.

If you’re also feeling buried in shame and unworthy of love, don’t be afraid.

Jesus, who took all my shame away and pursued me in love, will do the same for you. He can renew your life!

*The writer has requested to use a pseudonym for confidentiality.