TRIGGER WARNING

This article contains content on suicide. 

I was suicidal for years.

I felt unloved. Nobody cared for me at home. So I turned to friends instead. I would surround myself with people in a desperate attempt to curb my loneliness, but nothing really worked. I had many friends, but I couldn’t really count on them at time of need.

There wasn’t anyone I could confide in. No matter how hard I tried, I still couldn’t help but feel abandoned and alone.

I didn’t see the point of school either. What’s the point in studying/working so hard when at the end of the day, I can’t bring my achievements with me to my grave?

Life was meaningless.

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I came to know God thinking there must be something more than this. But even as a Christian, I struggled with suicidal thoughts from time to time.

I thought I was over it. I thought I’d been completely healed. But I came to realise I still had my ups and downs. I had less suicidal thoughts after knowing Christ, but that possibility was always there at the back of my mind.

In my last year of poly, I wasn’t walking closely with God. Sickened by everything in my life, I went MIA – going entirely off the grid for two weeks. I switched my phone to airplane mode. I skipped school. I refused to get out of my bed.

I just wanted to escape from the world.

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But I realised after those two weeks that I couldn’t simply stay at home and rot. Life had to carry on, and I was tired of being tired.

I decided to go back to school to finish up my semester. I returned to church too.

There, I opened up to my mentor about the state of my mental health. Even though her replies were simple, they were profound.

She reminded me of the blessings, small and great, in my life. She reminded me that God truly loves and cares for me. She reminded me of God’s plan and purpose for my life. Through our conversations, I felt as though God was speaking directly to my heart.

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Slowly, I began to pick up the pieces and get my life back on track. During this time, another leader of mine encouraged me to seek Christian counselling.

I didn’t see the need at first: Was I in such a bad state? Wasn’t I doing much better now?

In any case, my schedule was packed, and I couldn’t see how I could rearrange my appointments to fit in counselling sessions. But I told God: I don’t understand the purpose of seeking help, but if You really want me to, then help me make time.

God answered that prayer. Suddenly, my commitments all began to be freed up, and the counsellor I was referred to coincidentally found a free slot for me too.

Not only did the counsellor and his wife minister to me in the area of my suicidal tendencies, they spoke to me about my insecurities, identity and relationship with my parents.

God revealed to me that every single one of these areas was laced with unforgiveness and bitterness I hadn’t dealt with.

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I’d never truly allowed God to deal with them. I never brought them before Him because I didn’t even realise they were a problem. I was so used to the shame, guilt and hatred consuming my life that I thought it was normal – I had became numb to them.

It was when I began surfacing my struggles to my spiritual community that I finally saw them as sin that had long entangled me. I laid them down openly before God, and healing could finally take place.

In that vulnerable and sacred space, I presented to God all of my rights and all of my wrongs. And as I lay there at the altar of sacrifice as an offering, He exchanged my sorrows for His joy.

He traded my mess for His beauty – my bondage for His freedom.

He gave me hope once more.

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Today, I make it a point to keep close to God and walk with Him daily. I remind myself He is the reason why I’m alive, and it’s His grace and love that keep me going.

If you feel down and depressed, don’t allow yourself to dwell in your emotions and negativity. It helped me to seek God, pray, read His Word and listen to worship songs. It was a real encouragement to go out, meet friends and enjoy their fellowship.

Don’t downplay your emotions or struggles. Seek help and allow people into your life to keep you accountable, to encourage you and to journey with you.

It can be scary to confess our weaknesses and failures, but the Christian life operates in the light – not the darkness (1 John 1:7).

Sin hides and manifests itself in dark places. It is when we step forward into the light that sin loses its hold and healing occurs. Likewise, as we take that first step of confession, we spur others on to follow suit and to enter the light.

It wasn’t easy for me, but God sent many people my way to spur me on. For that I am thankful. I hope that my opening up will encourage you to open up. Confess your struggles to someone and let them hold you accountable.

Break away from the grip of sin and allow yourself to fall into the loving embrace of God instead.

If you’re feeling troubled and would like to chat with someone, help is available at these centres:

  • Samaritans of Singapore (SOS): 1-767 (1-SOS) (24-hour) | [email protected]| m.me/SamaritansofSingapore
  • Institute of Mental Health: 6389-2222 (24-hour)
  • National Care Hotline: 1800-202-6868
  • Singapore Association for Mental Health: 1800-283-7019
  • Care Corner Counselling Centre (English and Mandarin): 6353 1180
  • TOUCHline (Counselling): 1800-377-2252
  • Fei Yue’s Online Counselling Service: ec2.sg
  • Tinkle Friend by Singapore Children’s Society: 1800-274-4788 | tinklefriend.sg (online chat)
  • Silver Ribbon Singapore: 6385-3714