I know it’s been awhile. I’ve been horribly quiet. Truth be told – not that You don’t already know – I’ve been avoiding You. These days, the mere act of opening my mouth takes so much out of me, even though I know I’ll feel better once I talk to You.
There’s this undeniable yearning to be Home. It’s where I know there is no more sorrow, hurt or pain. Deep inside, I miss it. I miss being with You.
I remember the times when we would meet in my room, away from everyone and everything. It was our secret place, tucked away from the rest of the world. In those moments, it felt like Home again.
It’s funny how in my heart of hearts, I know only You can piece me back together.
I’ve heard You calling out for me; I’ve heard You telling me to take off the mask I’ve been wearing so no one can see the mess that I am. I’ve heard You whisper my name those nights when I was fighting a losing battle against my tears – when I was paralysed by my own fear and disappointment.
I know Your heart breaks every time I push you away. Your heart grieves every time I choose to walk in the opposite direction. I know it hurts You when I look for comfort and love in all the wrong places.
It’s funny how in my heart of hearts, I know only You can piece me back together. Yet the journey back Home seems like a far too tedious one to start. Sometimes I believe I’m too far gone.
Why do you love me so much, Abba? Why am I found worthy when all I ever do is to slap away the hand that reaches out to me in love? I’m so filthy; disgustingly wrapped up in my all my sins. How can You look at me with eyes that are filled with love?
How can my head wrap itself around the idea that there is Someone who looks at me not for who I am now, but for who I can be? There’s nothing redeemable about the way I’ve squandered all that’s been given to me, but You’ve taken me back into your arms time and time again.
And here I am, once again, on the outskirts of Home and longing to be back in the house where you are.
In Your grace, my time away from You has served its purpose. You’ve been doing a work in me and peeling my layers of insolence and sin off. You strip from me of everything that isn’t of you.
And with all the courage I have left, I’m asking You to break my heart for what breaks yours so it can become whole and complete in your love.
I know it’s only through my pain that I get see Your glory in high definition.
I’m learning to see that You leave little surprises for me at every corner. At every hard turn I make, there’s always a gift to be received in growth and in becoming more like You.
Sometimes, the shrieking sound of my sharp edges being refined frightens me. But I know it’s only through my pain that I get see Your glory in high definition.
So continue to teach me, Abba. Let my inadequacy be a worthy exhibit of Your goodness. And even as I continue to meander my way towards you, keep my feet steady and in the center of Your will.
Thank you for knowing me – and despite that intricate understanding of who I am in my wretched state – for loving me. Thank you for my life. You’ve preserved me from the snares of death even as I’ve haplessly wandered to the edges time and time again.
Daddy, I want to come Home. I desperately want to be back in Your arms because I know that’s where I am the safest. I know You’ll be waiting with a garment of praise to put around me and a ring to reinstate my place in the house (Luke 15:11-32).
Even as I lay all my burdens at the altar once again, let my tears be worth something to you. I’m making my way back to you, Abba.
I’m coming Home.
Your prodigal child