“I have clinical depression as well as a history of self-harm. Are you sure the cell group will accept me?”

I was momentarily speechless as I looked at Rachel, who was sitting across me at the table. This was my first time meeting her outside of church. I was stunned that she, being a newcomer, would share something so personal with me – let alone in such an assured manner.

The food we had ordered hadn’t even arrived.

Yet when I looked into her eyes, I saw a flicker of worry in them and instinctively, I replied calmly: “Yes, we will.”

In hindsight, I should have said, “Yes, we don’t have the right training or experience to support you perfectly, but we will definitely try.”

It was the first time I’d faced anyone who was struggling with the blues and so open about it. Owning up to it from the get go would have helped set clearer expectations and boundaries for my interactions with her as a cell leader, as well as her interactions with the cell.

It turned out to be a stressful season for the cell, because once we were all made aware of her condition, we felt like we were threading on eggshells around her. The confidence she had originally displayed was understandably a veil – but it was still a challenge to grasp her highly unpredictable behaviour.

She was receptive and friendly in person, but the acerbic text messages she sent to us individually after each weekend at church confused us greatly. She also would contact us at unearthly hours, and the few times she refused to eat her medication resulted in dangerous emotional swings. It was so severe we had to ask for pastoral support.

As the cell leader, I knew and expected that I would have to bear the weight of walking with this member under my care and tried to prepare myself the best I could.

Yet, I did not expect to find myself drained so quickly. Neither did I expect my words – meant to build life – to be flung back in my face, and to be told that I “didn’t understand” and that I “never would”. There were days where I simply didn’t want to read her messages … Only to immediately feel horrible or worried because I knew that a life was at stake.

I knew that my main responsibility as a cell leader is to shepherd my sheep (1 Peter 5: 2). Yet in that season, I discovered that whilst I wanted to protect my sheep, there was a pressing need for me to protect myself emotionally and spiritually even before I could think to protect any of them, depressed or not.

And walking down that expected road led me to a few important lessons for myself and the leaders who come after me.

3 LESSONS FOR LEADING MEMBERS WITH THE BLUES

1. Get educated so you can be equipped

One of the first things I did after that first dinner with my new cell member was to surrender her to the Lord and remind myself that I was not the Saviour. I did not want to look at her as a problem to be fixed.

It was important for me to acknowledge that I didn’t know anything about the topic of depression as well. Whilst clarifying with qualified individuals around me about its nature, consequences and implications, it allowed me to remove assumptions and avoid misunderstandings.

Speaking to my pastors, counsellors and experienced friends allowed me to realise the importance of hearing both perspectives – the medical/psychological perspective as well as the spiritual: Medication and prayer are not mutually exclusive.

Even then, depression exists as a spectrum, not a static condition, and whilst every experience of it is unique, they all require the same starting response from the first responders – the willingness to listen.

2. Over-communicate expectations with each other

There are two levels of expectations that need to be made clear: Firstly, between your cell member and you; and secondly, between this sheep and the rest of the flock. The latter is of course, dependent on how comfortable your sheep is with sharing his/her situation with everyone else.

The expectations can be very practical in nature, for example, regarding the frequency of responding to text messages or that phone calls are only for crises. It will be awkward to manoeuvre, especially at the beginning, but I encourage you to push through that inconvenience.

It will help you discern between a cry for help or a cry for attention, and protects the relationship between the two of you.

Don’t hesitate to challenge your sheep as well. When I decided to ask, “Why are you telling me this piece of information?” – it stunned her initially, but it eventually helped her to consolidate her unbridled thoughts and focus on the root emotion that was giving her anxiety.

Your response will help guide the rest of your flock in their responses as well. After all, just as sheep can lead each other towards a cliff, they will also be able to lead each other to the Shepherd (John 10: 27).

3. Be prepared to be hurt … Repeatedly

Nobody likes to be hurt, let alone multiple times by the same individual. But in circumstances like this, the hurt inflicted is often a misguided smokescreen for another raw emotion your member could be feeling.

Of course, the sting will still be felt, and it still needs to be processed. Process it with the Lord and with people who can hold you accountable,  but don’t allow it to take root in your heart (Psalm 37: 8). Don’t be afraid to tell your member that you feel hurt or that you need time and space to recover. This encourages reflection from both parties.

And if talking about it isn’t possible at the moment, or for the time being, remember the Lamb who remained silent even as He was led to the slaughter (Isaiah 53: 7) and draw your strength from Him.

The Shepherd’s heart is one that will tend to His flock gently and intimately (Isaiah 40: 11). So if we are discouraged or heartbroken over our sheep, we can take heart that He is the greatest Shepherd of all.

Names have been changed for confidentiality.

If you have a similar experience to share, feel free to drop us your story here.