I became a father in 2022 and recently welcomed my second-born just three months ago.

After two years of being accosted by Instagram’s algorithm on the latest tip on how to parent my child more consciously/positively/gently/authoritatively/respectfully, I put Instagram in a time-out and decided to look a little deeper into how the eternal Word of God speaks to the way we should parent our children.

For even though we have a plethora of resources that our own parents probably did not have access to during their time, this surfeit of information and voices can often feel overwhelming and contradictory. Welcome to parenting in this modern era – where neuroscience meets old wives’ tales, and where any parenting tip that doesn’t work on your child just gets rationalised as “Aiyah, every child is different” (or words to that effect).

Here are five biblical truths that have pierced through the “parenting tips” cacophony, and which are helping me parent my children effectively today.

1. Man is created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27)

Our children are created in the image of God and are therefore worthy of being treated with dignity and respect, just like any fellow human being. Their minor age is irrelevant, and they need do nothing to earn this right. They have dignity simply because they are alive and kicking.

Treating my children with dignity and respect then entails understanding their stage of development and natural inclinations, so that my parenting approach can be tailored to meet them where they are.

Cognitively, the part of their brain that is responsible for sound decision-making, logic, impulse control and emotional regulation will not be fully mature or developed until their mid-twenties.

This behooves me to have developmentally-appropriate expectations of my children in the first place, so that I am not asking too much of them. It also informs how I choose to react to their tantrums, whims and recidivism. After all, our children are not maliciously out to give us a hard time; they are themselves having a hard time with brains that are not yet fully developed.

The science also tells us that our children have an innate need for autonomy and independence in order to develop their own sense of self (a process called separation and individuation).

This means that I need to be prepared to love them in spite of them becoming “no” addicts, and to allow them freedom within limits to become their own person.

This biblical truth compels me to love my children no matter what. It also spurs me to always seek to put myself in their shoes and see the world through their eyes, so that I may parent them respectfully and compassionately.

2. God created us as emotional beings and can speak to us through our feelings (Psalm 42:11)

The Bible is replete with the raw emotional outpourings of godly people like Job, Jeremiah (the weeping prophet), Moses and David.

One thing is clear – the God of the Bible is not one to shun feelings and emotions. Jesus Himself wept and experienced the full spectrum of human emotions. God understands our feelings, sees us in our struggles (Genesis 16:13) and invites us all to come to Him as we are (Psalm 34:18, Matthew 11:28-30).

Loving my children, then, means that all their feelings are okay, and it is okay for them to not feel okay.

The movie Inside Out (spoiler alert) makes for a light-hearted crash course on what happens when feelings are suppressed and not allowed to be felt.

I don’t have to agree with my children’s feelings, understand them instantly, much less fix them; feelings are meant to be felt, acknowledged and permitted in the moment. It’s why we yearn so much to feel seen and heard.

The science also tells us that shutting our feelings down is a recipe for an internal emotional ticking time bomb waiting to explode (or implode). These negative feelings bubbling within will eventually find their way out to the surface, in some way, shape or form.

This biblical truth propels me to be a safe person for my children, one with whom they can express their most deep-seated emotions and feelings and not feel alone in them.

It informs me that emotional meltdowns and tantrums are developmentally healthy, and I get to use such moments to teach them how to cope with their emotions, instead of exasperating them further or ignoring them and allowing their emotions to overwhelm them.

3. God’s uncompromising law keeps us safe by revealing sin to us (Romans 7:7)

In the same way that the apostle Paul describes God’s law as awakening the soul to the reality of sin, morality and the need for grace, my role as a parent is likewise to set developmentally-appropriate boundaries and consequences to ensure the safety and flourishing of my children.

So even though all feelings are okay, the caveat is that not all behaviours are. Acknowledging and allowing feelings doesn’t mean I have to condone behaviour that is egregiously out of line. My job is not keep my children happy, but to teach them what is right and wrong, good and bad, black and white, in hopes that they build the muscles to discern all the shades of grey as they mature.

This biblical truth reminds me to hold boundaries firmly but kindly with grace and tenderness as a parent. My love for my children cannot compromise God’s truth and morality, and the boundaries and consequences set are meant to keep them safe and train them up in the way that God has planned for them to go.

4. Only God has the power to change hearts (Ezekiel 36:26-27)

In his book Parenting, Paul David Tripp highlights that God alone bears the burden and holds the power of creating lasting change within the hearts of our children.

If we appropriate to ourselves power that is not meant for us to have, we will resort to human parenting tools of fear, threats, rewards, guilt, and shame. At best, these tools only achieve temporary behaviour modification in our children out of their fear of losing our love and acceptance.

This biblical truth frees me from the burden of transforming my children from who they are into who they should be. It also motivates me to “play the long game” and not measure my success based on my children’s current behaviour.

Because true lasting change on the inside takes time, and parenting is one never-ending dance with my children that requires me to model who they should become.

5. We are all sinners in need of grace and mercy (Romans 3:23-24)

If all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, then we parents are more like our children than unlike them. The sinful nature resides in all of us, and we are not inherently good inside (1 John 1:8, Psalm 51:5, Romans 5:12).

Tripp astutely observes that we parent in the middle of our own struggles, and parenting will reveal to us our own insecurities, fears, triggers and anxieties.

It certainly has revealed to me, among other things, my own intolerance for messes at home, my constant insecurity of whether I am doing enough for my children, my fear of my children embarrassing me in public, and my anxieties over whether they will amount to anything (just to name a few).

If we are willing to dig deep within ourselves and confront our own fears and anxieties, we will see God’s grace and mercy changing us through our children, so that He can ultimately work through us for our children. Everyone in the room is being parented and growing through their respective struggles.

This biblical truth humbles me to know that I am as much in need of parenting by God even as I parent my children. This drives me to show the same measure of grace and mercy towards my children, and also model contrition to them when I have fallen short. My children need to see that I am also a human being who is less than perfect, in desperate need of God’s daily grace and mercy too.

These are early days in my fatherhood journey, and the road ahead is long.

Yet, God feels closer than ever, and I hang on to the ultimate truth that success in His Kingdom is about faithfulness, not results. I am only called to be God’s faithful instrument of change in the lives of my children and the results are in his infinitely powerful hands.

What a privilege and freedom it is to be able to partner Him in such an endeavour. All glory to Him!