Before being attached, I was single for a total of 25 years.

When I was younger, I faced a lot of pressure, ridicule and scorn from relatives about being a single woman.

At that time, I had no real relationship with God. I struggled very much over figuring out what a Christ-centered relationship is and what it means to work towards marriage and beyond.

I just could not understand what other believers said about having patience when it comes to a relationship, and how God makes all things beautiful in His time (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

But months after I came to fully trust Christ, I became attached at an unexpected time.

My boyfriend (ZY) and I are serious in working towards marriage, and we are very thankful that God is at work in our lives and how He is journeying with us every step of the way.

For us, dating with emotional security and full assurance in Christ is something that we do not take for granted. 

I hope to share three key takeaways we’ve found helpful in dating with peace and assurance in Christ. Certainly ZY and I have not “made it”, we still have a lot of work to do.

Nevertheless, I hope you will find these takeaways insightful and that you will draw closer to Christ.

3 WAYS TO GROW A RELATIONSHIP WELL

1. Fight well and forge common understanding

Fighting well and forging a common understanding in a relationship is vital for it to progress and for both parties to understand each other better.

When a conflict arises, remember that each party are both on the same side attacking the issue, not attacking one another.

Emotions may run high, so it’s worth reminding ourselves not to engage in name calling or to lose our temper. If we do so, we should repent to God, apologise to our significant other (SO) and ask for forgiveness.

Both parties are made in the image of God, so we must not insult one another or worse, use vulgarities.

Initially, even arranging our first date was hard due to certain factors.

1. ZY and I never dated before
2. ZY and I were still grappling with the change from becoming best friends to romantic partners
3. ZY and I have very different personalities
4. The level of romantic feelings we had for each other were unequal

Before we went for our first date on Christmas Eve, we had a huge misunderstanding over text primarily due to our differences in texting styles and how we process our feelings.

There was also a failure to discuss key issues (which ZY and I had difficulties distilling) before starting the relationship.

But thankfully, when we talked about it afterwards, we had the opportunity to safely share our perspectives and clarify our expectations. 

From that conversation, we realised that the misunderstandings we had all stemmed from text messaging!

We identified a few things: ZY does not communicate everything that he is thinking of when communicating with me, while I type a lot more than him naturally and am quicker to respond.

The circuit breaker last year only made things more difficult. Nevertheless, we continued to form common understandings from subsequent misunderstandings.

We agreed that neither party has any deliberate intention to hurt the other, and that we would always be upfront with each other about the hurts we feel.

We talk through conflict and don’t shy away from it. We also take the view that it is better for such issues to surface early, so that they can be worked on in the early stages of the relationship.

And no matter what happens, we choose to walk alongside each other as we work on our issues.

2. Be willing to adapt to (and maybe even adopt!) each other’s style

This is crucial, especially if personalities are different. 

ZY and I have very different personalities, but we believe and see that God had brought us together for His purpose. We complement one another by bringing out each other’s strengths and encouraging and enabling each other to be better versions of ourselves.

By being willing to adapt and adopt each other’s style, we learn to love unconditionally and fully accept each other. When the weaknesses show up, we encourage each other to go to God and let God use our weaknesses for the better.

We hear each other out and talk through them, without judgment, just love. 

While we cannot expect the other party to change, we each must try to adapt to one another’s style of communication and decision-making. This was something that both of us had to learn in the early stages of our relationship.

Indeed, ZY and I learnt this during the circuit breaker period. We were at the beginning of our relationship. Not being able to see each other weekly in person made it difficult for us to emotionally connect with each other and do activities together.

It was even harder for ZY who naturally isn’t very expressive. Thankfully, God lovingly brought us lovely couple friends from church, who gave us godly relationship advice and prayed with us.

And God made a way for us to develop our relationship.

We continued to learn more about each other through the circuit breaker and thought of ways to connect creatively, such as through long FaceTime calls, house tours, karaoke and board game gatherings with our mutual friends (all virtual!).

As we do not text daily (still true even today), I wrote ZY letters (and still do) to encourage him during tough work days, while ZY began to think about what it would take for him to step out of his comfort zone and what it means to be in a committed relationship. 

As you adapt and adopt, spend your dating time to figure out whether you and your partner really want to marry each other and serve each other for the rest of your lives.

The basis of a strong relationship is a healthy friendship with good emotional boundaries.

So do not fret too much about spelling out the expectations from the get-go of the relationship. It is so important that these expectations are properly communicated.

Additionally, as you get comfortable over time and feel emotionally safe with each other, these topics will come naturally and need not be “forced” out.

3. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable – be authentic!

What I’ve learnt is that not showing vulnerability can hinder trust.

Some time ago (even before we were dating), ZY made a personal request to me. He asked me to help him get assurance from one of my family members to refrain from doing a particular act.

When I did it, the outcome was super bad and I was hurt by my family member. I did not tell ZY I was hurt because I felt I was protecting ZY from any possibility of him feeling bad.

Months later, when I told ZY about what I went through, he got upset because he felt he should have known about what I had gone through as he was directly involved in making the request.

Not showing vulnerability can hinder trust.

It was also in that moment that ZY told me he wanted to be with and for me when I went through difficulties. He was upset that I did not give him the opportunity to comfort me when I needed his support.

That was also one of the rare moments when I saw ZY emotionally charged up, unlike his usual calm composure.

I realised that in feeling and sharing such uncomfortable feelings and thoughts, God was able to bring about true inner healing in my life. 

He turned me towards Him as His people reached out to me, and I saw that I didn’t have to try to solve everything and bear all my burdens alone.

From that incident, ZY and I grew closer together and developed a healthier intimacy.

I got to better understand how ZY thinks and also see how forgiving, kind, compassionate and understanding he is.

After all, he was willing to see things from my point of view as well, and understood I had no malicious intent in hiding painful parts of my life from him. 

As time passed, ZY shared more about his life with me and I too had the chance to comfort him.

When Phase 2 of the circuit breaker came, we began to resume our weekly Saturday afternoon dates. We had lunches, desserts, exercises, weekly adult Bible study classes and caught up with our mutual friends (we still do these now things!)

Over time, I began to see that beneath the surface, ZY was actually a really deep thinker and despite his exceedingly calm stature, he is vulnerable.

I learned that I could love him in many ways and help him be in touch with his feelings. It is only with Christ’s strength that I could do what I am doing for him with such ease.

Similarly, beneath my tough exterior, ZY saw my brokenness and he made intentional efforts to show me in his own ways that he loved me unconditionally too.

ZY began to open up to me gradually and we became comfortable and emotionally safe with each other. All of that would not have happened if both of us did not choose to be vulnerable with each other.

SLOW AND (GO) STEADY

ZY and I believe in letting our relationship grow slowly and healthily, with no strict arbitrary timelines, letting God work in our lives.

The only reason why we can confidently do this is because our true security comes from God. Seeing Him at work in our lives gives us great hope and assurance to be the most genuine and authentic in our dating journey. 

For those who are single and desire to be in a relationship, I encourage you to experience God’s love daily and fix your eyes on Him.

I never believed God would provide for this area of my life for more than 25 years. But when I completely surrendered my life to Him, miracles happened.

And if you’re in a relationship, keep working on your relationship until you are certain as a couple that you want to be together for the rest of your lives.

Remember that seeking God is the most important thing in life. Hear from Him.

Then learn to trust in Him and obey His will for your life.