Being a mum is hard work – especially for new mums. No one told me that being a mum is a steep learning curve, probably the steepest one that I’d ever face.

And so, this Mother’s Day, from one mum to another, here are some things about my journey that I wish I knew beforehand and would like to share, especially for mums-to-be.

The excitement before childbirth…?

Contrary to what many first-time mothers might feel, I wasn’t feeling particularly excited. I was happy with my boy still in me since I got more time to enjoy life at my pace, doing things I want.

And if you are one of those who are like me, that’s okay! You don’t have to feel guilty for not looking forward to your baby’s arrival as much as others do because it is truly a life-changing thing that no one can be fully prepared for.

But if you are excited and all ready, I’m excited for you too! Being a mother is another world of happiness and will hopefully well up within you, a deep sacrificial love you never imagined possible.

The post-childbirth emotional rollercoaster

Immediately post-childbirth, I didn’t have much emotions except relief for the two days that I spent in the hospital.

The real craze starts when you’re out of the hospital and back home. It can be quite stressful navigating life with a baby that is crying more than half the time, and for reasons unknown.

And if you’re someone who likes to be in control and have things go as planned – things will not go as planned.

You will need help. So, don’t be afraid to ask for it!

Things won’t go as planned. The help you receive can take your mind off things so that you can focus on learning about your baby.

My husband and I started engaging a part-time cleaner to help us clean the house. We also hired a confinement nanny for 28 days, but in hindsight, we felt like we could have carried on with this arrangement for two months.

Babies transitioning from 1-2 months change quite a lot, and things can get hectic. Sometimes, you won’t even have time to cook or buy food! In times like these, thankfully, my mother-in-law and mum helped us by providing food.

Don’t be paiseh to receive hand-me-downs too. They are good because babies outgrow them so quickly. It makes more financial sense to receive hand-me-downs, and old clothes are more comfortable too.

Changes in relationships with people

After being a mum, the reality is that you might not be able to connect with as many people as before.

You might not be able to connect as deeply with people as well, simply because you don’t have the same energy level owing to a lack of rest and me-time, and simply because you have a kid with you that you need to have one eye on.

Personally, I find I no longer have time for as many people. I’m focused instead on connecting with people who truly matter to me.

But the other perspective to this is that I now have a more intimate, intentional and genuine circle of friends that care for me too!

Finding community

Despite having less time for many others, it’s still important to find a community that can support you.

During this whole process, I found it great to speak to fellow mummies. This really helped me a lot when I was lost about what to do and why things were happening a certain way. It also helped me to find out if it was common to see certain behaviours in the baby.

There’s this camaraderie amongst parents, and fellow parents are mostly very open and willing to share all that they know. They too have been through it, so they know how hard and lonely it can feel. I encourage you to connect with them and learn from one another.

You’re not alone, really. Everyone struggles with the same issues so it helps to hear from others. For myself, I think I connected with people I never thought I would after becoming a mum.

A time for work and a time for rest

In the midst of the hustle and bustle, as hard as it may be, it could be useful to find pockets of time for both parents to have their own time. It helps you to feel some level of autonomy in a period where you feel like your life is at the whims and fancy of a little being.

One practical tip is to have an arrangement with your husband to allow each other to still head out with friends at night after the kid is asleep. This way, you can still have your own me-time while caring for your newborn.

Another thing: Don’t feel guilty about needing more time before being ready for social events. Give yourself as much space and time as you need to step back into your social life. It is going to be a huge adjustment when less rest and time for yourself are the new baseline.

Contrary to what many older folks say, babies do not “just sleep when they are tired”.

Babies actually need your help to teach them how to sleep and develop self-soothing techniques. This can be done through inculcating healthy sleep habits and giving them opportunities to fall asleep independently.

Tips on how to observe their sleepy cues? Watch their wake window – how long they have been awake for and what time they should next sleep.

And try to sleep when the baby sleeps. This was probably one of the most important things I learnt. Housework and other things can wait. Rest, on the other hand, is important for yourself and in turn for your baby.

Be flexible

A common tip that many parenting guides suggest is to follow the eat-play-sleep cycle, and that babies will feed every three hours.

But don’t be too fixated on this, because every baby is different. God created your child uniquely!

For example, my boy (and boys, generally) feeds every 1-2 hours. It made me doubt myself if that’s normal because that was not what I had learnt.

However, not all babies are textbook babies. It’s okay to be flexible and deviate from the norm. At the end of the day, it’s fine to follow your baby’s cues.

Experiencing mum guilt?

You might feel like you’re not doing enough, even though you’ve been with the baby day and night and have given your all. That really is a common experience.

I think what helped me was speaking to different mums to get their perspectives and prayerfully ask myself why am I feeling what I am feeling. God reveals the intentions of our hearts and can lovingly mould our hearts to be aligned with His.

Sometimes, we measure ourselves against the perceived earthly standards of being a “good” mum. But when we really think about it and measure it against God’s word, many of these standards were not necessary in the definition of what a mum or parent is meant to be. It’s really about what God says and wants me to be. If I measure myself against my own standard, I am making myself to be god.

Spending time with God

It can be difficult to carve out time now to really sit down and spend extended time with God.

However, even with the lack of time, I would say to prayerfully walk each day and make decisions with God.

One suggestion I have is to just do quick prayers and verse meditation to hear from Him.

Ultimately, your child holds the Father’s hand.

The world will tell you many things about how a mother should raise a child, what CCAs to sign the child up for so that your child won’t lose out and so on.

But don’t make decisions from a position of fear and lack, but trust God and walk with His guidance.

Remember that your child’s life is in the loving sovereign hand of God. This is something that I’m also learning to live by each day.