I have been feeling quite chaotic these past few weeks. There was nothing in particular that happened to trigger this inner chaos. Perhaps it was just a restlessness in my soul and a yearning for something more.

When I finally asked God what all of this inner chaos was about, my attention was brought to this passage:

“But when the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together. And one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question to test him. ‘Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?’

“And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment.'” (Matthew 22:34-39)

All your heart. All your soul. All your mind.

He was uncovering my divided heart.

He started showing me the many ways I find validation in relationships, the habitual way I have learnt to relate to people so that I feel needed by them. My heart has been yearning for desires that have gone unchecked because I haven’t been bringing them before Him. All this while, I have been tightly gripping onto them instead.

But this only brought about bitterness. The Holy Spirit revealed that I was craving for recognition and had so much pride. Even in my occasional self-deprecating ways, pride drives much of what I do. On one hand, I sing the words “just give me Jesus”, but at the same time, I’m aware that there are many other things I want and pursue instead.

The writer of Psalms repeats the phrases “all of my heart” or “my whole heart” in Psalm 119:

“Blessed are those who keep his testimonies, who seek him with their whole heart…”
(Psalm 119:2)

“With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments!”
(Psalm 119:10)

“Give me understanding, that I may keep your law and observe it with my whole heart.”
(Psalm 119:34)

“I entreat your favour with all my heart; be gracious to me according to your promise.”
(Psalm 119:58)

“The insolent smear me with lies, but with my whole heart I keep your precepts…”
(Psalm 119:69)

“With my whole heart I cry; answer me, O Lord! I will keep your statutes.”
(Psalm 119:145)

All of these, I believe, flow from the promises given to the people in the Old Testament:

“You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:13)

“But from there you will seek the LORD your God, and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul.” (Deuteronomy 4:29)

It’s incredible to see how many promises God has given to His people, as long as they turn to seek Him with all their hearts. He wants us; He wants our whole hearts. All of us.

There is no more worthy an offering than to give Him our whole hearts, our whole obedience (1 Samuel 15:22).

Perhaps in my cries for God to breakthrough in certain circumstances in my life, I have not actually sought Him with all my heart. I ask for Him, but I’m not looking. I don’t drop everything to come back to Him, to look for Him.

So much of me is divided. My attention is turned towards so many things, my loves directed towards other people and to myself. But the beautiful thing is that God already knows.

When I brought my restlessness to Him, I felt like a child coming to her Father. And instead of accusation or an “I told you so”, He opened His arms wide and embraced me as I laid bare all the chaos in my heart, all the frustration at my own divided nature.

Jesus prayed for us in John 17:

“The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me.” (John 17:22-23)

This speaks about the unity in the Church, but I also received it today as an intercession for my heart to be one, to be united in fear of Him and love for Him (Psalm 86:11-12). Just as Father, Son and Holy Spirit are one, I want to be wholehearted in Jesus.

https://thirst.sg/the-privilege-of-peace/

Lord, I am thankful that You are before all things, and in You all things hold together (Colossians 1:17). Where our hearts are divided, we ask that You will unite them towards You.

Thank you for not condemning us, but extending Your grace to us in all our chaos. Help us to desire to seek You, worship You, love You wholeheartedly. We know You are faithful, and we will find You (Matthew 7:7). Transform our hearts Lord.

This article is first published on Delphne’s blog and is republished with permission.