I’m insatiably curious about people. I find myself constantly seeking out what stories lie behind a name.

Through conversations, I get to find out what makes people tick, what makes them sad and what were their greatest moments. Because I thrive on deep and meaningful connections, it should come as no surprise that friendships matter a lot to me.

While I enjoy diving deep into and being a part of people’s lives, sometimes it comes at a cost. Some friendships feed my soul – often times I walk away refocused, spurred on and motivated to pursue things that matter. But others tend to leave me more defeated, drained and deflated.

Me being me, I threw myself fully into each of my friendships anyway, whether they were taking a toll on my emotional health or not.


As a result of the buzz I get from connecting with people, some of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn deal with the way I viewed friendships.

It took me a while to realise, but my security and worth were being found in having many good friends. Of course, the desire for thriving relationships is not wrong in itself – it was the fact that I relied on them more than I was turning to God.

In my desire and pursuit to know and be known by other human beings, God had been reduced to the friend I connected with only when I remembered to.

Needless to say, I was soon exhausted from chasing after friendships that did not satisfy me the way I had envisioned they would. Fighting a strong sense of disillusionment, I knew I had to reevaluate my priorities.

My approach to friendships underwent a major overhaul. Apart from learning to find my worth and security in God, I had to relearn what a good friendship should look like. Here are 3 handles I’m now using to evaluate my friendships:


1. They encourage your growth

When you undergo major revamps in your life, a good friend isn’t afraid of the change that might come about. Instead, a good friend embraces it and is excited for you; even if that means things might be different.

A good friend doesn’t favour his/her own comfort but values your growth more than anything. They recognise that God is constantly in the business of doing a work in you. Friends who push you towards Christ are the ones worth keeping and investing in.

2. They go the distance with you

I believe that our God-given diversity means that we offer different things to different people. Some friends are great comforters, some are amazing encouragers – but one thing they should have in common is a purpose of promoting dependency on God. Find people who are committed to doing that alongside you.

A good friendship doesn’t always have to look like the active participation in someone else’s life. Time and distance only matter so much. The thing that lends itself to the quality of the friendship is the heart that both parties bring to it, no matter the physical distance.

3. They speak into your life

While we are called to love people, it’s okay to pick and choose who you allow into your life. Loving people and letting them in are two very different things. We need to be more deliberate in our selection of who we’re allowing to speak into our lives and who we invest in.

One important thing I’ve learnt is this: God knows you well. He knows what – or who – works for you. He knows what kind of friend(s) you need in any given season and will send you the right people in His timing.

Submit your friendships to God. Believe He will bring the right people to you at the right time.


With these things in mind, I’ve decided to let go of some friendships. Many of them, I admit, have been one-sided in nature.

Being the hopeless romantic I am, it has been hard for me to let them go. I had clung onto what I imagined they could be instead of calling them out for what they were for so long. Why should I shortchange myself by fighting for friendships that are like holes in a leaking boat?

Instead of focusing on the search for good friends, cling to Jesus.

Even in that release, I’m putting my hope in God that He would give me the strength to continue loving them the way He would have me do (Isaiah 58:10-11, Luke 6:32-42, Psalm 130:7).

In His loving kindness, my eyes have been opened to see the people who have stuck by me, even when I was incapable of offering them anything in return. It had been hard to see and appreciate them under the shade of their unassuming nature. These friendships were never glamorous but they have yielded the greatest support and love.

The pursuit for godly friendships has no expiration date. Some people find it at the tender age of 10 and some are still looking for it well into their thirties.

But instead of focusing on the search, cling to Jesus. Let Him meet your needs and you’ll start to realise how freeing it is to hold friendships with an open hand.

You might still be in the search for these friends now – but when the opportune moment comes, you can be sure that God will make the necessary introductions.