“Wah, I really cannot stand her leh, she’s damn pagro!” My colleague slumped back into her chair and sighed.
“Pagro? You coin new term ah?” I asked.
“No lah. She wants me to finish this task but she’s being super passive-aggressive about it. She keeps giving me the silent treatment and sighs, as if I know what’s going on in her mind … ”
That was how things worked in that office. The boss wouldn’t give us clear instructions, but when we made a mistake, she wouldn’t show her anger overtly. Instead, she would either give us the silent treatment or give us more work to do, as our “punishment”.
She wouldn’t confront us face-to-face, but would berate us over email or text. When we tried to talk to her about the conflicting expectations, hoping to ease the tension and clear the air, she would dismiss it, telling us that there are “more important things to do”.
I think everyone has, at some point, faced a passive-aggressive person.
Maybe over project work, or your parents, or just that one friend who refuses to engage in direct confrontation, and instead shows their anger through subtle body language and sometimes mutters under their breath.
It can go down the road of belittling others, non-cooperation, evasiveness, dismissiveness, and avoiding emotional attachments. It’s hard to truly know what someone like that really means through their speech.
The real problem with the passive-aggressive speech is its underlying dishonesty. The self-righteousness that passive-aggression promotes is a lie.
On the surface, it may appear that a pagro person is demonstrating an admirable level of civility and politeness. But the truth is it’s potentially so harmful.
The goal of such a person is to benefit at the other person’s expense, with the least personal vulnerability, as they choose not to be completely honest about what’s going on inside.
But by denying feelings of anger, withdrawing from direct communication, casting themselves in the role of victim, and sabotaging others’ success, passive aggressive people put others through an emotional roller coaster.
Through intentional inefficiency, allowing problems to escalate, and exacting hidden revenge, the passive aggressive individual gets others to act out their hidden anger for them.
And it becomes a power play. This ability to control someone else’s emotional response makes you feel powerful – a puppeteer for others’ behaviour. While we keep a safe distance, others suffer.
The real problem with passive-aggressive speech is its underlying dishonesty. The self-righteousness that passive-aggression promotes is a lie.
It allows the passive-aggressor to continue in the tracks of their own cowardice, laziness and selfishness, under a false facade.
Laying one’s cards on the table feels like surrender – a bad word in this modern age. However, we have been called to be a living sacrifice.
Consider the Truth Himself: Jesus never played games in his speech. He was never ambiguous about what he meant; no roundabout manner to His words. He called bad behaviour out for what it is.
In Matthew 23:25-28, Jesus rebuked the Pharisees in their hypocritical behaviour, for the way they tried to manufacture a perfect exterior while still being morally depraved and unwilling to accept help for their fallen hearts.
“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.
“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean.
“In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.”
What Jesus is saying is that the problem isn’t just the behaviour, but the heart from which it sprouts (Proverbs 4:23).
Are we guilty of exhibiting this behaviour? Are we conscious of its impact on those around us?
Words bring with them the power of either life or death (Proverbs 18:21). A perverse tongue can crush spirits.
The first step to battling a passive-aggressive posture — as with all other sins of speech — is to first be aware that it is present in your life.
Laying one’s cards on the table feels like surrender – a bad word in this modern age. However, we have been called to be a living sacrifice.
Acknowledge and accept that it is not reflective of God’s glory and love in your life. Remind ourselves regularly of how God delights in seeing truth in our inward being (Psalm 51:6).
But sometimes, it’s not us who are guilty of this. Sometimes, we need to help others deal with it in truth and love, to improve the environment, and most importantly, for their growth and peace of heart.
4 STEPS TO HELP SOMEONE DEAL WITH PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR
1. DON’T FIGHT BACK
This will only evoke more passive anger toward you, so even though it might take a tremendous amount of self-control, don’t attack. Remain calm and state your truth in short, objective ways that focus on the issues. Don’t label, accuse, or criticise.
2. RESIST LIES
Hold firmly to the truth about you and the other person; don’t believe the untruths projected onto you. Passive aggressive people usually project their own insecurities and weaknesses onto others. Stand firm in your truth, don’t be shaken or stumbled, no matter what you are accused of.
3. SET BOUNDARIES
You will need boundaries to prevent the passive aggressive person from wreaking havoc in your life. Adjust your expectations, so you’re not dependent on that person. State your decisions and stick to them. Finally, decide how much you will tolerate before giving an ultimatum or ending the relationship.
4. ENCOURAGE THE TRUTH
If the passive aggressive person risk talking about feelings, issues, problems, and concerns, encourage the truth. Listen. You don’t have to agree with what is being said, but you do need to make it a safe experience for the passive aggressive person who fears being vulnerable and is taking a huge risk in speaking the truth.
