I always thought everything would come together in a nicely-wrapped package once I crossed triumphantly into adulthood.
I would have a flourishing career with the picture-perfect family – and maybe a golden retriever too. And we’d all stay in a cosy thatched cottage, like those I lived vicariously in as a child reading Enid Blyton books.
That was when I was 10. Then I grew up to realise that such an adulthood “package” didn’t come as a complimentary gift for everyone after all.
To my 10-year-old self, who had such innocent and exciting dreams: I am sorry to burst your bubble. Because 20 years later, those dreams haven’t come into fruition. In fact, where I am now could not be any further from where your imagination brought you to.
But I can tell you this: Where Jesus has led us and will be leading us is beyond our wildest imagination – bigger and better than what both our minds can ever comprehend (Isaiah 55:8-9).
I had held onto that cookie-cutter dream of the perfect career and family for far too long, stubbornly resisting the startling fact that God’s plan for me might be different from everyone else’s.
But as I poured out the unmet desires of my heart to the Lord, I didn’t realise it but He began shifting my heart into a posture of surrender and liberation.
“For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?” (Matthew 16:25-26)
The life I want may not be the life God wants for me. I had to begin by loving God first. It was in loving Him with all my heart, mind and soul (Matthew 22:37) that I realised how He was starting to shape my passion.
Because I never thought that I would be one of those who God sent into an overseas mission field. I always thought it was reserved for the “extra-anointed” ones. But I thought wrong.
John desired that Jesus would take the spotlight instead of him, modelling for us what the eternal beauty of littleness looks like.
God is simply looking for someone who is available. He’s not looking for the best looking, most talented, or most able person. He is looking for the person who would raise his hand to say, “Here I am, use me, send me.”
I prayed that small prayer, and God heard me.
As He started to strip away the worldly desires my heart once yearned so desperately for, He began planting new, godly desires (Psalm 37:4) to replace the former. Then I realised only a raw and barren heart was one God deemed as fertile for harvest.
Instead of picking singular desires to surrender to God, I knew I had to let go of my whole heart so He could replace it with a new one (Ezekiel 36:26). How is that possible? The answer is simply by the Holy Spirit, which enables us to do so by producing in us strong desires that accord with God’s will.
I like how John Piper puts it, “‘Flesh’ is the old, ordinary human nature that does not relish the things of God and prefers to get satisfaction from independence, power, prestige, and worldly pleasures.
“When we walk by the Spirit, we are not controlled by those drives. The flesh produces one kind of desires, and the Spirit produces another kind, and they are opposed to each other. Walking by the Spirit is what we do when the desires produced by the Spirit are stronger than the desires produced by the flesh.”
Unexpected. Uncommon. Unusual. Isn’t that typically the modus operandi of our God? So much of Him takes us by surprise. Jesus always did the unexpected, so what more can I expect when I choose to follow Him?
It’s not our job to map out what God is supposed to do. Instead all we have to do is let God trace our path, walk it and see his faithfulness unveiled. As He takes my expectations and turns them upside down, I recognise that I am His daughter first, and my greatest desire is to seek and do His will (Proverbs 3:6).
The life I want may not be the life God wants for me.
“He must increase, but I must decrease” (John 3:30)
John desired that Jesus would take the spotlight instead of him, modelling for us what the eternal beauty of littleness looks like.
As my heart cries out for an uncommon pursuit, to leave the crowd behind me to follow Jesus and hear the secrets of His heart – I am greatly encouraged to know that God is more relentlessly in pursuit of me than I can ever be in pursuit of Him.
I no longer want to watch God from the sidelines and hear of incredible stories believing they only belong to an ancient world. I want to step into the field myself and allow God to expand my faith, my capacity to trust Him and enlarge the borders of my experience and courage.
The call of God is truly an adventure. But through it all, I know God is faithful and He is good.
To my 10-year-old self: Our original dream may not have come to pass, but we can rejoice to see that God’s dreams will surprise and most definitely surpass ours. As we allow Him to yield control of the brush, we will see how our Father is a masterful artist who is going to paint creatively beyond the horizons of the canvas.
Just sit back and enjoy the ride.
Paige is currently serving in Cambodia as a short-term missionary intern under the Methodist Missions Society. This story was first published on her blog.
