I developed a love for reading in primary 5. It started with innocent children’s books, before I turned to magic and fantasy.

Then I read this goth novel in primary 6 that became the catalyst for many terrible things to come.

It sparked a morbid fascination with death which grew exponentially after PSLE because of all the freedom and time I had.

And as the Internet became my playground for this newfound passion, that was also the time when I became exposed to very dark music.

Suddenly, around the middle of secondary 1, I started to hear voices.

I was so young that I did not understand gravity of the lyrics. So I grooved to songs about hell, sex and necrophilia without batting an eyelid.

Of course, my conscience told me otherwise, so I would google if a particular band I listened to was satanic. The answers on Quora said no. So I carried on.

I was also a curious one. I read up on angelology, demonology, numerology, the Illuminati and the occult symbols in pop music.

I was scared. But still I grooved to the tunes.

HEARING VOICES IN MY HEAD

Slowly, all the negativity from the entertainment I consumed began to translate into my attitude and behaviour.

From after PSLE to secondary 1, I started fights with people on Facebook for no good reason. I sent hate mail to a popular girl in class. I wrote “you are a fatto XD” and stuck them around the desks and chairs of the boys in class and one of them was then slightly round. 

Suddenly, around the middle of my year in secondary 1, I started to hear voices. I would talk to them in my mind. I googled. Schizophrenia? Cool.

But it got so bad I could not stop hearing the voices. I was kept up at night, tossing and turning, hearing “you are ugly” for hours before I would finally knock out. But sometimes I didn’t knock out. 

Desperate, I sought help from a school counsellor and was referred to counselling at a local hospital.

My case ended up being closed by the second counselling session, because I actually felt better. What helped was spending time on my own soul-searching.

I felt relieved as my closed case meant my family would stop interrogating me. So the following year in secondary 2 was a fresh start for me.

I continued to listen to goth music at first. Yet I wasn’t sure how, but suddenly by the second semester in secondary 2, I started to appreciate classical music – happy, cute tracks at that!

It almost seemed like I had “snapped out” of that bout of mental illness over time. Some people don’t like that term but that was honestly how I felt. 

But a year passed and at the end of secondary 3, I walked into a Christian bookstore.

Somehow, I thought that I would probably need God since I would be taking my O-Level examinations the following year.

I bought a little book titled Love Letters From Heaven. I read two to three pages and then forgot about it. 

SCARED, STRESSED AND SLEEPLESS 

Fast forward to secondary 4, when I was often gripped by fear and anxiety whenever exams came and had immense trouble sleeping.

The worst happened one sleepless night in July when a sinister voice suddenly arose.

I had the exact same experience when I was in primary 6, attending a baptism service. This voice pounded and pounded as all the people were getting baptised.

I heard the exact same voice there in my room: “I hate God”. 

Paralysed by fear, I was horrified. I thought it would stop just like it did when the baptism service ended, but the voice went on to torment me every day for six months until the year ended.

I had physical manifestations of fear. My heart palpitated frequently, and my appetite shrank so much that every time I ate, I felt like puking.

For a period of time, I even salivated at such an uncontrollable rate that I had no choice but to swallow the foam every few minutes. 

One night, I was just so utterly tired. I couldn’t think much. I could only sigh: “I am… I am…”

I thought that I was in such a loss for words at my sorry state that I couldn’t even complete my sentence. I had wanted to say, “I am ugly.”

But with each “I am”, I felt a strange sense of release.

THE START OF SOMETHING NEW

During my preliminary examinations, I was studying hard for the chemistry multiple choice questions. The voices were shouting non-stop as usual.

But I suddenly remembered the little book I bought in the bookstore and I took it out. I read the whole thing.

Then I got to the part with a declaration, “Satan, you can’t scare me with that stuff. I know how much God loves me. He loves me just as much as He does Jesus. He takes good care of me. So you might as well get out of here and go peddle that fear somewhere else because I’m not going to buy it anymore!”

Back then, any time not spent studying was time wasted. But at that moment, I did not care that I didn’t do more MCQs.

I cried and cried and cried. After I said those words, my heart swelled not with fear but with a sorrow and ache that I never really felt before.

In the book, there was more talk of God’s love – a love free and powerful enough to overcome every sin. My heart yearned for this love. 

I was so moved by the message and comforted, I actually started carrying this little book inside my pencil case in school every day, even all the way into the exam halls!

FINDING GOD

Soon after, I entered into junior college. In my first year, a friend invited me to her church’s Christmas service.

I listened to the message and found myself at the front. I had no expectations. But when a pastor prayed for me, I just started crying like crazy.

That was the start of my journey of forgiveness and redemption.

As I started going to church and learning more about Jesus, I realised what “I am” meant. God is the great I AM. I was so moved to learn that the random sigh I uttered back then was actually a call to God.

God was there with me even though I could not see it. 

God tells me I do not need to be afraid of the terrors of the night nor the arrow that flies in the day. God tells me that when I make Him my refuge, no evil will conquer me and no plague will come near my home (Psalm 91).

Today, I abhor and avoid any form of dark music and the occult. My music tastes have shifted to worship and classical music. I detest horror, gore and violence. I tore up and got rid of all my occult cards and books. 

I thank God that His mercy overcomes every sin I committed. I thank God that He set me free from the lies and torments of the enemy and I am a completely changed person – psychologically healthy!

And I thank God for the abundant life in Jesus that He has called everyone to.