There was a time in my faith where I became disillusioned and disappointed with the culture of my church.

Going to service, I would wonder: “Why are they spending so much money on revamping the sound system and set lighting when the funds could go to supporting missions and other ministry work?”

To me, the church was putting the pastors on a pedestal to the point where it was idolatrous. But I was considered rude when I pointed that out. It led me to decide that I could worship God at home too. I could read the Word and listen to sermons from the comfort of my bedroom.

I didn’t need the church.

So, I left church that year and didn’t look back.

THE PRODIGAL DAUGHTER

None of my church friends contacted me in the aftermath. I began to wonder if were we only friends because we attended services together.

Filled with bitterness and disillusionment toward Christians, I spent the next 3 years church-hopping. I ultimately found myself still unsatisfied with God, myself and the church.

I tried to avoid “Christians” because whenever we met up, their reactions to my decision to leave were often hurtful and accusatory:

“Oh.. but God taught us to be patient and loving … It’s not very nice for you to leave church – right?”
“Backsliding is a sin … You have to go back … Or find another church. ASAP.”
“You know that the church wasn’t made to satisfy only your needs, right? You can’t expect everything to be perfect in a building filled with sinners …”
“You know you have to forgive – I mean, Jesus won’t forgive you if you don’t forgive others you know …”

I asked God why my friends were so concerned about this church thing. Didn’t they care about how I felt? Why did they talk to me as if this decision was solely my fault?

Even if I somehow found the desire to return to church, shame had barricaded me into isolation. Condemnation hung from my neck like a rock as I sank further and further away from God.

God opened my eyes to the condition of my hardened heart, and the prison of resentment that had enslaved me for years.

Resentment and guilt were eating away at me. God loves me too much for me to hurt me in church – right? 

An impenetrable wall of excuses soon became my shield against confrontations about church and God. I became able to rationalise and convince myself that going back to church would be a waste of my time.

But one day during quiet time, God opened my eyes to the condition of my hardened heart, and the prison of resentment that had enslaved me and robbed me of my joy for years.

He convicted me that my heart had been hardened by my bitterness and resentment of the church and its culture. I had allowed these feelings to grow and take root, which bore sin in my eventual decision to leave church altogether.

FROM DISAPPOINTMENT TO DISCERNMENT

There was a time in my faith where I believed I could grow away from my spiritual community. It was foolish. I soon realised that isolation led only to spiritual decay.

To those who are contemplating leaving church, or those who have already backslidden, I strongly urge you to nevertheless submit this decision to God: Let Him help you discern your true motivations.

If you must walk away, for a reason valid or otherwise, then plug yourself in a church somewhere else.

Because regardless of whatever makes you want to leave, remember that nothing on earth is a true indicator of our Perfect God. We may be made in His image, but we must never hinge our expectations of a perfect God on imperfect people — expecting them to live up to morally unattainable standards.

People, churches, governments and systems may fail us — but God never will.

Don’t waste the years that I did.