Learning to love can be frustrating. That’s something my partner and I have found out through the disagreements we have had.
Initially, my perception of a loving relationship was mistakenly characterised by one simple principle: the more I show love, the healthier the relationship becomes.
However, I slowly began to realise that that wasn’t true and that love is not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing.
Recently, I learned about the The 5 Love Languages, a framework conceived by Dr Gary Chapman, which reshaped my understanding of love and communication in relationships. I discovered it wasn’t about how much love I was giving but how I was giving it.
And so, understanding love languages helps us understand the different ways in which we prefer to receive love. It is so important to recognise and honour each other’s love languages, doing so enables us to communicate our affection more intentionally and effectively.
Here are some practical ways to express love through each of the five love languages, as well as some reflections and insights as to why this framework is more than just practical advice.
Words of affirmation
Simple gestures such as complimenting their cooking, admiring their outfit or wishing them a wonderful day ahead, can go a long way in fostering love.
Truly understanding Ephesians 4:29 will also give our words depth: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what helps build others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
Our words of affirmation should go beyond surface-level compliments – we should be choosing words that encourage, edify one another and affirm godly change.
In a relationship, offering meaningful affirmation means recognising and celebrating your partner’s strengths while speaking life into areas of growth. Genuine encouragement is about discerning words that will uplift and nourish the souls of our loved ones.
Quality time
Spending uninterrupted time with our partners can be challenging in our fast-paced world. But for those who value quality time, it is absolutely essential. A big part of quality time means being physically present and fully engaged.
This could take the form of intentionally planning a weekly date and choosing a new place to explore.
During the date itself, quality time might look like consciously eliminating distractions such as work commitments or using your phone. The goal is to create space for genuine connection and to focus on one another.
In a Christian relationship, quality time could also look like praying together, sharing daily devotionals or simply taking the time to discuss with one another how God is moving in your lives.
“For where two or three gather in my name, I am with them.” (Matthew 18:20)
Inviting God into your time together encourages spiritual growth and also cultivates an alignment with His purpose for your relationship.
Since my partner has expressed that he deeply values quality time, we’ve decided to establish a weekly routine for Bible study together. This has not only allowed us to grow spiritually but has also deepened our understanding of each other’s perspectives on life.
When we carve out time that dedicates our relationship to the Lord, we invite His will to guide our lives and allow Him to be the driving force in how we can serve Him more effectively as a couple.
Acts of service
Acts of service don’t need to be grand or extravagant. Often, it is the small, consistent gestures that mean the most!
Helping out with a chore, making them a cup of coffee, or simply being a listening ear are all ways we can tangibly communicate love and appreciation.
“Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Matthew 20:28)
Service is at the heart of Christ’s love for humanity. Serving our partner with humility and selflessness reflects Christ’s love and nurtures the relationship.
Physical touch
Physical touch is a key way that we communicate love and affection. Actions as simple as holding hands, offering a hug or a gentle pat on the arm can provide great emotional affection and reassurance.
In the Bible, physical touch is often portrayed as a means of comfort and healing – we see it frequently in how Jesus interacted with those around Him.
Mark 10:15-16 recounts how Jesus took children in His arms and blessed them:
“Truly, I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it. And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.” (Mark 10:15-16)
This passage not only highlights the power of physical touch in nurturing relationships but also reminds us of God’s tender, unconditional love for us.
A human touch enables us to communicate love in a way that transcends words, fostering deeper intimacy and connection in our relationships.
Incorporating physical touch as a love language in your relationship can include simple actions like placing your hand on your partner’s shoulder during prayer or holding your partner’s hand while giving them a compliment.
These acts express love and create an environment of support and encouragement, and are particularly impactful for those who value this love language in their lives.
Receiving gifts
For some, gifts are an incredible expression of love and thoughtfulness. This love language signifies the physical item itself and the intention and care behind it.
Gifts can serve as tangible reminders of love, appreciation and connection. Whether it’s a handwritten note, a small token or even a grand gesture, the value lies in the thoughtfulness and meaning behind the gift.
Understanding the significance of gift-giving can greatly enhance emotional intimacy in relationships, fostering deeper connections between partners.
In 2 Corinthians 9:7, Paul writes: “Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.”
What we learn from this verse is that the heart and intention behind our giving are just as important as the gift itself.
