In our latest episode of #SpillTheTeh, we heard from Christian singles ranging from 23 to 45 on what singlehood is like at each stage of life, and the challenges faced like loneliness, insecurity and being tempted to compare.
- Emily Yue (23)
- Xu Weishan (30)
- Samuel Tai (31)
- Hannah Seow (45)
How do we feel about being single?
As a final year student in university, Emily feels that there are good and bad things to being single.
“It’s both, I can’t choose one,” she said, sharing that she both loves singlehood and hates it.
For Samuel, he thinks that singleness can be lonely at times but he is content with the freedom he has.
Having been asked this question many times, Weishan said that she is perfectly fine being single and that she enjoys every moment of it.
Hannah, on the other hand, shared honestly that it was not a good feeling for her when she was younger, especially when friends around her started getting into relationships.
But right now, she is very much comfortable being single and is grateful for this stage of her life.
The pros and cons of singlehood
We then asked what they like and don’t like about being single. Emily responded: “I think what I don’t like about being single is that it just feels a bit empty sometimes.”
Though she is blessed with a group of close friends she does life with, there’s still a bit of FOMO and a slight “void” in her heart.
“It’s just there’s no special someone to do cute things for me or like, you know, buy me flowers and send me home,” she shared.
“I think what I like about being single is I can do the things I want and have more freedom,” said Samuel.
“What I don’t like is that sometimes it’s just lonely, like you want companionship but then you’re just a single potato.”
To Weishan, one of the perks of being single is the alone time and solitude.
On the other hand, she also wishes she has a companion when she does certain things like catching a movie which is one of her favourite hobbies.
What Hannah dislikes about being single are those times when she’s sick and alone at home but there’s no one to take care of her. “That’s where loneliness sets in,” she said.
Making comparison with our peers
Looking at her married friends, Hannah would sometimes wonder how her life would be like if she had a family of her own.
“When I see them going out with their spouse, or when I see them taking care of their children, I would wonder what my life would be like if it had a path similar to them,” she shared.
But as Hannah grew older, she learned not to make these comparisons: “The grass is always greener on the other side. I’m thankful for what I have.”
Emily shared honestly that she would subconsciously compare herself with her attached friends.
These comparisons would lead her to question herself: “Am I the red flag? Is it me? Am I the problem?””
She would also compare things like her “timeline”.
“I’ll be like: ‘People my age are getting BTO already and I’m still single?'” she said. “Do I have to wait a lot longer? Am I lagging behind? Am I missing out?”
There were instances when Samuel’s attached friend would talk to him about their girlfriend and sometimes come to him for relationship advice when they have a problem in their relationship. It is something which he finds it hard to avoid.
“Sometimes when I do meet them, they kind of shove their relationship into your face and then you kind of feel very sian (tiring) and sad at the same time?”
Misconceptions about singlehood
When asked about what misconceptions about singlehood there are, the profiles gave a few examples:
- You’re incomplete and “left on the shelf”
- There’s something wrong with you
- Your standards are too high
“I think this stems from the concept of finding your ‘other half’, so to speak,” said Emily about the first point. “I don’t think that this other half thing is true and I don’t think that we should find our completion in someone else.
“I think we should be secure and complete in Christ first. Only He can fill the void in our hearts.”
Hannah shared that she has received comments from others who assume she is being unrealistic when looking for a partner.
“When I say I’m single, most of them will say: ‘You must be too picky to reject people who are pursuing over you.’
“So, one misconception of a person who’s single is that she has too high a standard such that she can’t settle down — maybe she’s being unrealistic too.”
Comments like these can be unkind, and certainly weren’t the only ones our profiles had heard before…
Triggering things people say to singles
“’Singleness is a gift’ is probably one of the most annoying things someone can say to you when you’re struggling with singleness,” said Emily.
Emily understands that most people who say this, say so out of good will. However, she feels that it is better to encourage the person to acknowledge the struggle and bring it to God instead of forcing positivity out of a situation.
Samuel feels that there’s “a lack of empathy” in his community at times. “Be patient and pray more” is logical advice, but can also be words that are grating — better to be a listening ear.
For Weishan, what gets to her sometimes about singlehood is pressure from her family and certain comments they made in the past. You’re not getting younger. You should really consider finding somebody.
“In my mind, I’m thinking it’s not that I don’t want to find somebody but I feel that it’s not the right time yet,” she explained.
“God still has a larger purpose for me to achieve while being single. It would be great if He opens my eyes to see somebody but, as of now, I feel that the time has not come yet.”
On using dating apps
“Personally, I have not and I don’t think I will use dating apps but that’s just my personal conviction and what God has impressed on my heart,” said Emily.
“I don’t think that it’s wrong to use dating apps. It’s just that when you use it, you have to be careful and really be mindful of why you want to use the dating apps.”
The 23-year-old continued, “You must have a heart check. So ask yourself, what is my motivation for using dating apps? Is it because I’m scared that God won’t bring the right person to me?
“Or is it because I feel that, ‘Okay, I trust God, but I also need to put myself out there to meet other people.’ I think there’s nothing wrong with dating apps… just, if you do use it, be safe.”
Hannah, on the other hand, tried using dating apps but found no success: “I met a few scams along the way. But having said that, it doesn’t mean that the apps are bad.”
She added that despite not having much success with dating apps personally, she knows a lot of people who have used it successfully and are now happily married.
Words of advice for the singles
Weishan affirmed that it is important to first understand who God has made you to be, before you think about marriage.
“It’s so important not to idolise marriage and put it on a pedestal because the moment you idolise marriage, you believe that it is the end goal and that you would feel ‘complete’ when you are married.”
Hannah believes that both singleness and marriage are gifts from God.
“Both are just as good, so be thankful and be aware that it is God who brought you to this place and that He has a plan in mind,” she said encouragingly.
“It doesn’t mean that you’re better or worse, just enjoy the phase you’re in.”
