Coming from an all-girls school for 10 years, it was normal to admire other girls, especially our seniors.

I had several relationships with boys in my secondary school days, but I realised around the same time that I was attracted to girls as well.

Back then, it felt like a lighthearted trend – raving about how cute another girl is wasn’t considered a declaration of one’s sexual orientation. In my school, many of us – including myself – had “girl crushes”, but rarely did people openly identify as lesbian or bisexual.

I knew I wanted to have a husband and my own family when I grew up, but I still found myself attracted to girls throughout my teenage years. All this while, I’d started attending a new church and for the first time, was discovering what Christian community was like.

Despite the newfound accountability to my friends and leaders, I never confided in anyone from church about these emotions and I brushed them off as a phase that I was going through.

When I was 18, in my second year of poly, I met a girl while studying in school and quickly became friends.

Things escalated really quickly, we started going out, and she soon confessed that she liked me. Two weeks later, she asked me to be her girlfriend.

I was conflicted and felt like I had no one to talk to about this. At this point, I was attending cell regularly but I was afraid of being judged and did not want to become an outcast.

Eventually, I said yes to her. So much of it felt wrong, but I told myself and God that this was just an experiment – my faith and my love life were two separate things to me. Plus, she knew none of this was serious for me; we’d agreed to “try this out” even though I’d told her it wouldn’t last long.

For a whole of two months, we were just like any loving couple, though I was struck by how this relationship was different from the ones I had with guys. Since we were both girls, it was easier to understand each other.

But things started going south when I found myself frequently upset and frustrated in the relationship. We were very dependent on each other, but as the “stronger one”, I often had to support her emotional needs.

She told me that whenever I went to church on Sundays, she was scared that I would decide to break up with her. The irony was, I was always afraid to attend church because I felt like a hypocrite leading a double life. What if someone from church should see me together with her when we were out?

Very few people knew or suspected, and if they asked, I would simply deny the relationship and claim that we were really good friends.

Only my non-Christian friends were supportive of us and said that Jesus would still love me, that my happiness was the most important and I needn’t feel bad.

However, I wasn’t happy at all; I felt guilty, unworthy of God and dirty. It was tiring to lie and lead a life of deceit too.
One weekend, our youth pastor preached about same-sex attraction. I don’t remember the content of his sermon, but I still remember the emotions clearly. It was horrible because the conviction was gripping my soul and I couldn’t bring myself to look anywhere but down.

I really wanted to cry, but a part of me still didn’t want to listen. I knew something wasn’t right about how I was living; the experiment was slowly falling apart. I felt so far away from God … But would returning to Him mean leaving what I cared about behind?

Things took a turn when I told God that I would end the relationship if He called me to leadership. In hindsight, it sounds stupid and immature; I was spiritually still very young. And yet, He took me seriously and a leadership call soon came.

I took up the leadership position – but I didn’t end my relationship.

One day, my pastor texted me out of the blue to schedule a meet-up.

I didn’t know him personally and there was no reason why he would have contacted me. I panicked, assuming God had spoken to him about my relationship.

In the silly hopes of lightening my “punishment”, I replied him saying that I needed to share something important with him as well.

The day of our meet-up arrived, and as tempted as I was to bail on him, I knew I needed to confess and seek help in ending the relationship. When we eventually sat down, I was stunned when my pastor opened the conversation by asking if I could help him write an article.

After I spluttered out a confused “yes”, he then asked kindly, “So what would you like to tell me?”

The tears started flowing from my eyes as I told him everything. He listened patiently, and when I was done, his first words to me were neither angry or condemning. He simply advised me to speak to a female leader, who later became my mentor.

With the truth now out and someone journeying alongside, it was still very hard to face my struggles and be held accountable. But my mentor hardly mentioned my relationship, instead, she spent time correcting my perspective of the Christian faith and encouraged me as I sought to make God the center of my life.

Things slowly fell into place as I let God in to do His work in my life. 

I still had my moments of weakness, as I didn’t have the courage to make a clean cut with my girlfriend, but I could tell I was growing steadily in my relationship with Him.

It took me quite some time before I finally ended our relationship, a painful process that involved a lot of wrestling and putting my heart back into God’s hands. A verse I clung onto during that period of time was Psalm 73:26: “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

The days that followed were also a struggle: I kept wondering if I should find a boyfriend to affirm my heterosexuality. It was such a real consideration although it was clearly not the right way to handle things. I would’ve just been digging another hole for myself.

Inherently, this revealed a reliance on romantic relationships, instead of God, to determine my worth and identity – something my head knew, but my heart struggled to truly accept.

My flesh was undoubtedly weak, but God was faithful in His redemptive work. As I chose to trust Him and place my security in Him instead of human relationships with boys or girls, it got easier to walk away from my desires and into the fullness and peace He promises His children.

Today, my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and are hoping to get married.

You may be asking: Does every journey of same-sex attraction end with the person “becoming” heterosexual? I would say no. I think many will still experience such attraction – as with any temptation of sin – and that is not wrong.
What is wrong, in any situation, for anyone who professes to follow Jesus, is an attitude of “It’s my right to have what I want” and wilfully acting on our desires with no consideration for what God has to say. He desires our holiness and wholeness – lives that are oriented to Him in every way.

If you know someone who’s struggling with same-sex attraction, please don’t be insensitive. I remember how scared I was of being judged when people who weren’t close to me came to know about my situation.

God desires our holiness and wholeness – lives that are oriented to Him in every way.

If someone speaks to you about their struggle, treasure their trust and support them in prayer. You may not be able to fully understand, but respect him or her: It isn’t easy to come out to anyone. Encourage them, be a safe place for them and please don’t try to change them or treat them differently.

Nobody is defined by their struggle. What I really appreciated was how my leaders didn’t talk about my same-sex attraction all the time after I came out to them. They saw me the same way – for who I was as a person and friend, and showered me with godly love throughout the journey.

For those who are struggling, it may be difficult to confide in someone about these thoughts and feelings, but church community is meant to be family that loves and protects. I encourage you to find someone whom you can trust, preferably a leader.

When I look back, confessing to my pastor still seems crazy, but I wouldn’t be where I am today if God hadn’t found me where I was all those years ago.

*The author’s name has been changed for confidentiality.