As a national rugby player for 11 years, I was engaged in sports my entire life.
My journey as a sportsman first began when I started swimming in kindergarten. As I progressed to primary and secondary school, I got involved with tennis and water polo as well.
Things took a turn for me in secondary two when I met a relief teacher in one of my PE lessons, who was also a rugby coach. Though I was tiny, he saw the potential in me and introduced me to rugby.
Ever since I was exposed to the sport, I have been passionate about rugby. As a result, I stepped out from water polo and swimming to focus on this new sport which I eventually excelled and thrived in.
Win at all cost
In my first year of junior college, I was made the vice-captain for the school team. I broke into the national team in the same year.
I was so focused on being the best rugby player that I didn’t care about anybody – and that shaped how I led.
Caring only about my accolades and achievements, there were no longer friends around me since I would only see them as enemies.
However, there was a turning point in my sports career and also my faith in 2010.
I was put on a nine-month ban from rugby for verbally assaulting the referee during a game.
Facing those nine months, I thought I was going to die because I could not play the sport I love.
But surprisingly, in the nine months when I was banned from rugby, I did not struggle as badly as I thought I would.
I had the chance to explore different interests like sailing and acting in a play produced by my university. These helped me to realise that there is more to life than rugby.
Since then, I came to see rugby as a sport that I love – but it wasn’t my idol anymore. I still love playing well, but I think something had changed.
a person is saved not to live for himself, but to save others.
Instead of striving to attain recognition, I became free to just enjoy the game and camaraderie with my team more. If we win, we win. If we lose, we will continue to get better.
Because I saw that God was refining my character through all these moments, I started giving back to the community by being a brotherly figure to the younger players.
Ultimately, the “rugby armour” is similar to the armour of Christ. I am not going there just to protect myself, but to protect others. Just like how a person is saved not to live for himself, but to save others.
This mindset became my approach to the game.
From fan to follower
Additionally, growing up in Christian schools, I have always been aware of God and was looking for a church where I could stay rooted.
I had a personal revival in 2013 when my church embarked on a series of sermons which was inspired by the Christian TV show Not A Fan.
The 4 weeks of the sermon series prompted me to think: Am I a fan or a follower of Jesus? At that moment, I realised that I had just been a big fan of God all this while.
As an athlete myself, I know what a fan looks like, and I disliked the idea of a fan – one who only likes you when you perform well.
I came to see that if I truly want to be a follower of Jesus, I need to deny myself and take up the cross.
When I learned what it means to be a follower of Christ, my posture in my sports career shifted too. I started seeing my sport as a gift from God and a form of worship to Him.
From then on, winning to me was about more than just the game. Winning is about winning life – how I can help others or save lives by being a testimony of God’s love.
But what I didn’t know at the time, however, was that I was about to enter a really challenging season of life.
A season of loss
At the age of 28, I was told that the national team wanted younger players and needed new blood.
I was ousted from the team, even though I thought it was too early. I felt angry and frustrated. I gave so much, I put years into the sport and the team – and this is how they treat me.
Not only was I faced with rejection from the national team, I was also flooded with questions from my supporters.
People were asking whether am I too old, too slow or too unfit. They asked whether I had lost the passion for the sport…
I wish I had the answers to those questions but I do not. In fact, I carry more questions than answers.
Even then, I saw God’s hands in my situation and trusted that God had a plan for me despite the uncertainty ahead.
Not long after I retired from my rugby career, I was involved in a heartbreaking divorce process that took place over a year.
Amidst my family struggle, I was also stricken with the devastating news of my friend’s suicide.
I debated with myself and tried to rationalise my friend’s death because I was in such a state of denial and disbelief.
I was confused, and there was a sense of guilt that haunted me.
Honestly, I considered death at one point because I felt overwhelmed with all the circumstances that took place – but God was the light in my darkness.
God reminded me daily of His unconditional love, and that was how I found hope and strength in pushing through the season.
The audience of one
When I went through the divorce, I felt unworthy to serve God because I knew God hates divorce.
Thankfully, God saw my heart, and He assured me by giving me a chance to serve as an emcee for the annual training camp hosted by Athletes In Action (AIA).
In that camp, I learned that talking about rugby and divorce is not about pleasing anyone but about the audience of one – Jesus.
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Ever since then, I have lived with purpose and determination to share my story with others, hoping that people will see the light of God through my life and come to experience His unconditional love.
Through the process of losing my marriage, my friend and much more, God has also prompted and led me to pursue a Masters in Counselling, so that I may equip myself with a listening ear and empathetic heart to serve others better.
Where feet may fail
Now, it is my fifth year working at CoachSG, and I am so grateful to God for all that He has walked me through.
As a swimmer, my favourite song has always been Oceans (Where Feet May Fail). The song reminds me that I can swim, and I can always swim to the deepest waters… but once I can’t, God is ready to catch me and take over.
I was once in the deepest valley but God was there. Whatever mistakes you make, God will make a way forward and be there with you through the ups and downs.
Through it all, I am thankful for the journey I have gone on and how God has shaped my character through my sports career.
Though the future is unknown, I am confident that God has the best for me, just as He did all these years.