I wish I could report that I was one of the successful and productive people in 2020, who thrived in the season of “virtual reality”. In fact, I’d say I was on the completely opposite end of that spectrum.
I was close to meeting Jesus face-to-face after Zoom workouts. I failed once at making Dalgona coffee and five more times trying to make brown sugar pearls.
It didn’t help that I graduated with a music degree at the time as well, and the possibility of acquiring a job related to it was close to zero. I didn’t work on my online presence and only scored a handful of virtual gigs.
I spent most of my days succumbing to feelings of hopelessness, eagerly awaiting the day the pandemic disappears and everything reverts to normalcy.
I’ll never understand why we often run from the very answer to all our problems…
I was often dumbfounded by the fact that not everyone was onboard this boat. A few scrolls through Instagram would easily ruin my mood and prolong my daily existential crisis. I couldn’t comprehend how other people were doing just fine; some even beyond that.
I found myself angry at everyone who appeared to be coping better than me, and it got progressively easier to neglect spending time with God. I’ll never understand why we often run from the very answer to all our problems, but that’s exactly what I chose to do.
It wasn’t until the later part of the year that I began to accept that normal is never going to look like it was. After grieving the loss of what the year could’ve been, I eventually reached the end of myself.
Disappointed, rejected and tired of the pity party, I penned down my thoughts in my Notes application. Only after processing my emotional responses to everything, did I realise how many burdens I had been bearing up till then.
I had placed so much unnecessary pressure on myself through comparison with people in the music scene and even people in church who were still thanking God in such depressing times.
I also felt so heavy from the daily influx of bad news featuring global struggles amid the pandemic, and it made me feel even worse about my complaints that paled in comparison.
These are all very human struggles, and I’m not implying that none of my feelings were valid. Where I went wrong was not laying these emotions down at the feet of the One who has emotions that I can’t even begin to comprehend.
I chose to believe that He doesn’t understand how I feel, but I couldn’t have been further from the truth. Fully God and fully man, Jesus knows us intimately and far greater than we even know ourselves.
I found myself in a toxic cycle of not surrendering my burdens, but instead crushing under the weight of them.
We say we believe this, yet it’s so easy to forget and subscribe to the idea that we are alone in this journey.
I found myself in a toxic cycle of not surrendering my burdens, but instead crushing under the weight of them. When I eventually hit my valley low, I found myself asking: When will I learn?
When will I learn to cast all my cares to God? When will I learn that His yoke is easy and burden light? When will I learn that He has known me even before my very existence?
In the state I was in, it would’ve been natural to come up with excuses as to why I haven’t yet, but instead there was a simple and earnest response in my heart.
I think it’s time to learn. That’s how “Learn” was written – from the desire to learn from my shortcomings, but also with the honest tinge of fear that I won’t be able to do so (thus the choice of the word ‘think’).
It’s been an amazing journey since then with countless stories of breakthrough and favour that only came when I let go. I am still a work in progress, as we all are.
But I’m secure in the fact that God does not deny the contrite and is pleased with even our smallest “yes” in seasons of brokenness. You’re more than enough for all the highs and lows that are to come in time!
“Learn” is one of 10 tracks from my recent album release, Embrace the Progress, which is centred around the idea of celebrating growth and the small wins in life.
I hope that you will be encouraged by my life through song and that you will remember that you were created for greater things.
In moments of weakness and doubt, may we lean on our Beloved – our very present help in times of need and the One who holds us together when we fall apart.
Krysta Joy’s song premiered on episode 12 of Ember Sessions, a new video series by The Fireplace Collective. Co-founded by Priscilla, Jia Hao and Joshua, The Fireplace Collective is a Christian creative agency that combines their skills and experience in music and media.
Ember Sessions showcases original songs from Christian songwriters that are birthed from stories of personal journeys, God-encounters, struggles and scars. You can catch Ember Sessions on The Fireplace Collective’s Instagram page (@thefireplacecollective) every Friday, 9am, where they will release an original song.
- How do you usually cope with burdens and disappointments? Is God your first resort or last resort?
- What does recognising that you’re a work in progress mean to you? What small wins can you celebrate?
- What can you learn to do better?