I first met Deborah in February 2022 after joining her cell group. Four months later, I took her out to dinner, gifted her flowers and a kintsugi plate (another whole story behind that one), and asked her to be my girlfriend.

Five months into the relationship, I then decided to “propose” to her with a BTO (Build To Order) application – over text.

How did I come to broach that decision? Well, there are a few common, practical considerations when it comes to applying for a BTO together…

Common reasons a couple applies for a BTO

First, it is not that easy to get a BTO. You may have to try a few times before successfully getting a queue number. And even if you do get one, it may be a very large number, meaning you’ll have the last pick out of all the available units. If the only unit remaining is on the 2nd floor next to the rubbish chute and you don’t want that, you have to start the process again.

Second, the wait time for a BTO is long. Even if you do get a BTO unit that you want, it will take several years before construction is completed. And even then, you will need to renovate your unit. Furniture will have to be purchased and moved in. This means many years of waiting before your home is ready for you to move into.

At this point, another important question to consider is: Do you wish to be married before you have your own home?

If you do get married, where will you be staying? Will either of you be okay staying with your parents? Will the house be large enough to accommodate a new young couple?

Will the family dynamics be suitable for the young couple, or will it cause stress fractures in the budding marriage?

If you don’t wish to move in with either party’s parents, then will you be renting your own space? How much are you willing to pay for rent, for several years?

Do you intend to have children soon after marriage? If yes, are you willing to raise your young children in the rental apartment until your BTO is ready?

These are all questions that are worth considering.

Third, the lower your income, the higher the grants.

HDB tends to give larger grants to couples with lower incomes in order to support them in their purchase of a new home. Naturally, the longer you wait to apply for a HDB, the larger your income grows, and as a result, the less grants you get.

It is even possible that your income rises above the limit and you are no longer eligible to apply for a BTO.

These are some of the common reasons that compel many young couples to consider applying for a BTO, even if they are not yet ready to get engaged. They are very practical and legitimate concerns.

But wait first ah…

However, here I must stress that there are some good reasons not to apply for a BTO until you are married, or at least engaged.

Applying for a BTO is a very large commitment. It is a financial commitment, as both parties will be contributing significant amounts of money for the down payment.

It is a legal commitment, as both parties will have to sign a lease to become the joint owners of the property.

It is also, in some sense, a spiritual commitment. When you apply for a BTO together, you are envisioning building a home, a family, and a life together.

When you sign that lease agreement together, you can only hope that that person beside you will be the one that you will walk down the aisle with — but without the guarantee of a marital covenant sworn before God. Is that wise for you?

So, if you feel ready to apply for a BTO together, and you are not yet engaged – ask yourselves, why?

Is there anything holding you back from proposing? Is the commitment of a BTO something you are ready for, but not the commitment of marriage?

Many of the practical considerations I mentioned above were weighing on my mind, when I decided to ask Deborah to apply for a BTO with me. Friends in my circles were doing the same, believers or not.

It just seemed financially prudent to apply for a BTO without waiting longer, given that the savings from renting a temporary apartment or being disqualified from HDB grants would potentially have amounted to tens of thousands of dollars.

When I decided to ask Deborah to apply for a BTO with me, though we had only been together for a few months, we felt we were in a good place in our dating relationship. We felt hopeful and excited about our life together. It was not difficult for Deborah to say yes to me.

But about a year into our relationship, we faced some personal crises that nearly ended our relationship.

there will be hard conversations… when these conversations come, it will be unhelpful to have the shadow of the thought of HDB penalties for surrendering your BTO hanging over you.

Like us, I suspect many young unmarried couples apply for their BTO with an untested optimism about their future as a couple.

But as they continue to journey together and discover more about each other’s attachment styles, communication issues, temperaments, ambitions and callings, there will be hard conversations about whether they are prepared to enter into a lasting marital union.

When these conversations come, it will be unhelpful to have the shadow of the thought of HDB penalties for surrendering your BTO hanging over you.

I have known people who chose not to leave unhealthy relationships simply because of the cost of losing their BTO. Their relationship issues persist into marriage and while some learn to resolve them, others do not.

A question of commitment

And perhaps before we consider a BTO application, we should consider our own understanding of commitment.

When I asked Deborah to be my girlfriend, that was a simple commitment. It was a commitment from us to each other to date exclusively and see if God would lead this relationship toward marriage.

When I went through a personal crisis, and Deborah chose to remain by my side (against the counsel of some of her well-meaning friends), that was another kind of commitment.

My condition took a heavy toll on her and the relationship, but she chose to share in my burdens. She had to cut back on other areas in her life to support me better. That was a commitment that cost her.

When I proposed to Deborah in February 2024, that was a special commitment.

It is a commitment that would last only a few months, until we both stand at the altar before God and our loved ones. And there, we will give ourselves to each other, committing ourselves to a lifelong journey of mutual submission, forgiveness, charity, friendship and laughing at silly things together.

Honouring simple promises, like showing up for a dinner appointment, is commitment. But significant and heavy commitments ought to be entered into only if you have a deep understanding and confidence in the other person’s character and faithfulness.

In my opinion, applying for a BTO flat together is one such significant commitment that should be made only with one’s fiancé or spouse.

The idea of commitment can be scary to some.

Most of us fear because we are uncertain. We don’t know if the other person feels the same about the relationship the same way we do. We worry about how they will respond if we tell them we would like to progress to the next stage in a relationship, to be more deeply committed. We are uncertain and scared of being hurt.

We leave things unsaid because we fear, and things left unsaid almost always lead to wrong assumptions and painful disappointments.

Many of us have been taught it is unwise to bare yourself (emotionally and otherwise) toward a new partner that has not earned your trust.

But as one’s relationship matures over time, we must learn to be vulnerable with each other, lower our guard and have honest conversations.

It is through these conversations that both parties can understand where the relationship is, and where it is headed.

If either you or your partner is not ready to have these kinds of conversations, then you ought to ask yourselves why you are afraid of being vulnerable with this person whom you claim you love.

To love is to be vulnerable

I have found much wisdom and guidance in C.S. Lewis’ writings. In The Four Loves, Lewis writes,

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

To commit is to be vulnerable, and to be vulnerable is to love.

May God grant us the wisdom to know the partner we should be committing to, and the courage to be wholly vulnerable with them – with or without a successful BTO application.