On Christmas Day 2010, I found myself thinking hard about life after a traumatic incident in school.

I was involved in a conflict with an old friend, who was connected to some rowdy individuals in and outside of our school. I was harassed into apologising in a humiliating way, so one of my friends stood up for me and a fight broke out.

In the aftermath of the fight, I lived in fear every day when we were dismissed from school, because I heard that they were waiting to find trouble with me outside my school.

There was a lot of guilt and shame that I wanted to get past. I considered transferring schools and I even considered suicide.

But I thought to myself that things would get better with time. Thus I kept looking forward, believing that as time passed, so too would my pain.

Around that time, I wrote in a post on my Tumblr: “Don’t you feel like life passes so fast, even if you think you are still young, you will be like 20+ years old in a flash?”

Then I ended that post with: “Life is meaningless, it’s the gift after life on earth that is meaningful.”

From the 24-year-old me to the 14-year-old me: Hello, yes… and no.

I was more in love with the idea of heaven than God Himself.

Although I still agree with the point I made about the brevity of life, I think I barely knew God back then.

I grew up in church and attended the 8.15am service every week (not by choice). I never knew Jesus; I only knew about Him. And I didn’t like to read the Bible or pray to God. 

To me, heaven was just something I looked forward to because I hated life on earth. I wanted to go to this happy place where there was no more pain and suffering.

In truth, I was more in love with the idea of heaven than God Himself.

I wouldn’t realise what the Gospel was about until much later in life.

When I was dutifully reading a book as part of a church programme in March 2018, I came across two different chapters in the Bible where John and Isaiah see God Himself on the throne.

At that point, it suddenly struck me that God is the definition of beauty and holiness. He alone is the originator of all that’s good.

Yet a perfect God like Him came down to this horrible place to suffer and die on the Cross – all for someone like me!

After this revelation, I wrote a very personal prayer.

“How could You, the Almighty One with an appearance of jasper and ruby, on the throne with a rainbow shining like emerald encircled around, come down to seek me?

“Why would You seek us, Lord, when we’d often rather believe that everything is random, that You don’t exist and that we are our own kings?

“I pray Lord, that You be my King now and forever, that You give me the heart to seek You more, Lord. I am sinful and weak, but as tiny as I am, I wish to be called Yours, I wish to serve You with all my heart. Amen.”

God’s greatest gift has always been Himself.

Sadly, even after that encounter with God, my life did not change all that much. I still struggled to give up a lot of the ideas, dreams and desires that I held.

Only a few months later, I got caught up with my summer internship and lived in fear over my impending graduation.

I was also not rooted in my church community, didn’t spend much time seeking God in my daily life and rarely responded to the Spirit’s prompting in my heart.

But thankfully, God called me once again.

During the time of my encounter with Him in March 2018, I had agreed to serve in my school’s Christian Fellowship (CF) committee — the idea was to grab any opportunity to serve Him.

It was during this time that I went through many humbling experiences in my studies and service in CF that led me back to Him. Throughout the entire process, my brothers and sisters in CF prayed with me, encouraged me and also cautioned me in love.

I also started to read the Bible and I learnt how to speak to God earnestly — rather than to “pray well”. God spoke to me time after time through His Word and people.

Through prayer and surrender, a spiritual work began to take place in me, and I began to see how His strength is made perfect in weakness.

In the past one-and-a-half years, God has been restoring many parts of my life which span from things like the career path I eventually embarked upon (completely unrelated to my major), to how I view relationships with others and myself.

He has been bringing me closer to Himself and deepening my understanding of how one lives in light of the gospel. And while experiencing all this growth and change has been pretty crazy, I’d still rather be on a roller-coaster ride with Jesus than lying comfortably in my sin.

I’d rather be on a roller-coaster with Jesus than lying comfortably in my sin.

As I look back on the last decade, so many things have changed. It all boils down to one thing: the gospel of Jesus Christ.

As I move into the new decade, my only goal is to keep my eyes on Jesus and let Him lead me so that every moment of my transient life points to Him.

Whatever I do on this earth, I do it so that I may grow closer to God. He is my journey and destination because God’s greatest gift has always been Himself.

This was a submission to our “Write your 2020 story” giveaway, which ended on January 31, 2020. Si Ai wins herself an exclusive set of metal straws. Congratulations! 

Got a story about your journey with God? You can still send it to [email protected]!