“How come you’re still single?”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“So when is your turn?”
“Don’t be so choosy! Just go for it.”
“No boyfriend ah? Want me to introduce?”

All these comments can be very pressurising for a single person. The question is, how do singles cope with them?

4 TYPICAL RESPONSES SINGLES TAKE

1. Take what’s there

This is one of the most common responses. Singles press the panic button and take whatever comes along. 

As time drags on, the mindset of “beggars cannot be choosers” kicks in.

They end up picking up potential prospects in dating apps, pubs, etc.  They jump into a relationship with anyone who is willing. 

And the result can only be disastrous. Or at best, they end up not actually finding a true soulmate.

I have seen several cases where couples get married after a few short months of “dating”. Only after that do all the hidden skeletons of their lives start to emerge. 

We need to remember that what we are looking for is Mr/Ms Right and not Mr/Ms Right Now!

I want to challenge you to never compromise when it comes to the choice of a life partner. It is far better to be single and alone than married and miserable because of the wrong choice of a life partner. 

Don’t just take anyone but choose the one that you want. 

Remember: Don’t settle. Marry only because you want to! 

2. Deny the desire

Another wrong way to deal with these pressure points is simply to deny the desire to find a life partner. But this can be unhealthy because we are seeking to suppress a God-given desire.

It is better to acknowledge that desire and face the feelings that are there. 

In our quest to find The One, we need to be proactive and yet not demanding.

Get the feelings out through talking to God about them, journalling some of those thoughts down and sharing them with significant people in your life like your trusted friends or pastor. 

In this way, we can then engage in the process of waiting upon the Lord while looking out for divine appointments that may come along the way at the same time.

3. Crawl into a cave

Some have given up on the search. Perhaps they have tried and failed. Or maybe they have been rejected too many times, so they quit the quest completely.

They bury themselves in work or spend time at home watching bad Netflix. The journey is just too hard and too long. So they crawl into this dark and lonely cave.

I want to encourage you not to withdraw from this quest, but resolve to live life to the fullest and keep an open mind about who God can bring along your way.

4. Spiritualise the search

There are also many single Christians who have spiritualised the entire quest for a soulmate.

They make pious statements like “If God wants me to be married, He will send bring a man to me” or “If I just pray and wait, God will send someone to me”.

Others resort to statements like “God told me you are The One I must marry”. If you ever feel this way, you should keep it to yourself and act as if you have heard nothing. Let God unfold things for you.

This is where you need to hold the tension between trusting God’s leading and being proactive in taking responsibility in your search for a life partner. 

This can include making the necessary changes like changing your hairstyle, buying breath freshener, dropping a few excess kilos, using deodorant or taking a crash course on “How to Win Friends and Influence People”.

This tension can be illustrated through these verses:

“Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife.” (1 Corinthians 7:27)

The word “look” here is the Greek word zeteo, which means “seek in order to find”.  It comes with an element of “demanding” or “craving”.

“He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favour from the Lord.” (Proverbs 18:22)

The word “find” here is the Hebrew word matsa, which means to “discover”,  “uncover” or “cause to encounter” – something that happens in the course of things rather than a desperate demanding search. 

In other words, it comes with a sense of timing and the unfolding of events. Thus, in our quest to find The One, we need to be proactive and yet not demanding.

4 MYTHS CONCERNING THE ONE

1. There is only one perfect one for me 

Many people are under the notion that there is only one perfect one waiting for me out there. 

Then what you are saying is literally out of the seven billion people in this world, there is one that is The One. And if you miss it, that’s it!

Obviously, this theory does not hold water.

2. If I pray hard enough, God will send me The One

Prayer is necessary in our search for a life partner, but prayer alone without taking responsibility to be proactive in seeking out opportunities to meet people will not be effective.

Remember: The proof of the passion is in the pursuit.

The key is not to let go and let God, but trust God and get going!

3. There is one biblical way to find The One

The Bible offers principles that govern the good choice of a life partner, and I have shared 10 of these principles before.

But the Bible is also culturally sensitive – in that over the years, human sociology has changed, and it is hard to look for a definite approach in the search for a life partner because of cultural and historical settings.

Personally, I think a balanced approach would be to engage in “group dating”.

Get to know others in a real-time situation until we think there is a possibility to explore a more long-term relationship. 

Besides, we tend to be more ourselves when we are in a group setting since we tend to “act our best” in a one-on-one situation. 

From group dating, we can then move on to one-on-one dating or a courtship situation, so that we are getting to know that person for the purpose of marriage.

4. There is someone for everyone 

Our society puts a very high premium on marriage, and rightly so since the Bible treats marriage as sacred. However, we can end up communicating that marriage is the only way to a life of fulfilment.

That is simply not true!

Our satisfaction is not found in marriage but in our union with God. Is marriage for everyone? Not necessarily! 

SINGLE FOR A SEASON OR A REASON

Let us look at the book of 1 Corinthians. Paul spent the first part of his letter challenging the Corinthians in various aspects of church life. 

Then from 1 Corinthians 7 onwards he began to answer specific questions directed at several pertinent issues going on in the church in Corinth. You see, the city of Corinth was the “sin city” of the ancient world. 

The goddess they worshipped was Aphrodite from whom we get the word “aphrodisiac”. In fact, the very name “Corinth” was used to denote fornicating when people say they are “Corinthianising”. 

In short, the city was sex-crazed!

The church reacted in two ways: they flowed and they fought.

Is marriage God’s ultimate will for my life? No! 

One sector of the church ended up flowing with society and allowed the trends of society to denote the standards of the church. 

“It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you and of a kind that does not occur even among pagans…” (1 Corinthians 5:1)

Another sector of the church swung to the other end. They began to think that it is best not to have sexual relations at all. Sex became a taboo of sorts. 

 “It is good for a man not to marry.” (1 Corinthians 7:1)

Paul took on both extreme views and addressed it with wisdom and balance. He began to show that whether you are married or single, it is a matter of these three things.

Gifting

“I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.” (1 Corinthians 7:7)

Here in this context, the Apostle Paul is referring to the gift of celibacy on one hand and the gift of marriage on the other. 

Both singleness and marriage are gifts from God.

Calling

“Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him.” (1 Corinthians 7:17)

Our station in life is a matter of calling as well. 

So if God’s call for this season for your life is to be single, be single and satisfied.

But if you are already married, stay married!

Devoting

“I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 7:35)

There are also those who choose to remain single, so that they can devote themselves to the Lord’s work. Why not?

This is one of the biggest advantages of being single.

If you’re in this season of singleness, you can turn this into a season of complete devotion to Christ – the Lover of your soul. 

Is marriage God’s ultimate will for my life? No! But conformity to Jesus Christ is!

If God considers you lovable enough to give His own Son for your eternal security, you should recognise your own worth.

You are the pearl of great price, the apple of His eyes, beautiful, special, precious and lovable. Simply because you are you.

With that in mind, dare to wait for God’s best. Dare to trust God’s timing. Dare to believe that you deserve to be loved. Dare to be you.

This article is adapted from an online talk given by Pastor Benny Ho for Faith Community Church.