Have you ever called God a liar?

I certainly have. That was when I finally had enough, and decided to stop trying to look like a good and obedient Christian. For the first time, I shouted in full honesty within myself: “God, You lied to me!”

It was an honest expression of what I felt, but a sinful statement nonetheless. I felt I deserved to be stoned for even having uttered those five words!

So after the words left my mouth, I cried profusely. The face towel I kept by my bedside and my pillow were all drenched in tears. Broken heart; tired body.

At that moment, I was reminded of a verse in Psalm I had once meditated on day and night: “I am weary with my groaning; All night I make my bed swim; I drench my couch with my tears.” (Psalm 6:6)

Where did my troubles begin?

I thought I was right with God as last year was when I finally decided to stop running away and give my life to Him. I was doing everything right: Fasting and praying, serving in ministry, being obedient and submitting my life and will to Him, praying for others though I was weary, studying the Word … I was doing everything within my means to be a good Christian.

Yet the anxiety in my heart began to build in the last few months. I think I knew instinctively that I was relying on human effort and just doing all the “right things” – instead of depending fully on God.

“Search me (thoroughly), O God, and know my heart; Test me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me and lead me in the everlasting way.” (Psalm 139:23-24, AMP)

I became convicted as I prayed this verse, for the Holy Spirit revealed to me there was a great misalignment within my heart.

I’m currently in a season of seeking employment as part of a mid-career switch. But I never expected this period to be so difficult.

Initially, my faith was fervent and my heart was on fire as I waited for the right opportunity. But as time passed, with doors closing time after time, and being repeatedly told that I lacked the qualifications or experience … the weariness of waiting began to get to me.

My confidence slipped and my hope began to dip. Fatigued and frustrated, I felt like a failure. In fear, I started to think that God had played me out.

Moses also questioned God, “Lord, why is it You have sent me?” (Exodus 5:22). God’s reply assured Moses: “I am the Lord” (Exodus 6:2).

One day, while listening to a podcast, I realised why I was feeling the way I did.

I was fatigued because I had unknowingly boxed God up with my own expectations. And when the wait took longer than expected, I became tired of it. I was frustrated because I was overwhelmed with too many viewpoints on my circumstances – complicating things more than was necessary.

I started feeling like a failure because doubt had crept in. I second-guessed my purpose and all the strengths God has given me – unsure of my identity anymore.

With all these emotions piled up on me, the feeling of fear was so real: Who am I? Will I even survive at all?

That same night – when I couldn’t take it anymore and called God a liar – was also the very same moment I recalled the life of Moses.

The story of Moses touched my heart in a time where all I felt like doing was complaining. Moses had to bear so much to bring the Israelites out of Egypt. All he had was his faith and obedience to the Lord.

At one point, Moses also questioned God, “Lord, why is it You have sent me?” (Exodus 5:22). God’s reply assured Moses: “I am the Lord” (Exodus 6:2).

Reading “I am the Lord” struck me to the heart. As I repented and asked God for forgiveness for my disbelief, His peace which surpasses all understanding, and guards my heart and mind through Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:7) settled over me.

The story of Moses touched my heart in a time where all I felt like doing was complaining.

This world we live in is still a fallen one.

Here we do not fight against flesh and blood, but against power, principalities, rules of darkness and spiritual hosts of wickedness. We must stand firm in the Lord, wearing the whole armour of God.

“Therefore take up the whole armor of God that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.” (Ephesians 6:13)

For now, I know God is fighting the battle for me, He is continually paving the way before me. The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want and most of all – He makes all things beautiful in its time.

All I have to do now is stand on the promises of Scripture. I praise the mighty name of God for His love for me, for never leaving nor forsaking me.

I thank Him, for He “has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7).