Recently, I learned just how deep a self-dug rabbit hole could go.

I was knocked down by disappointments and hurts that just came wave after wave, beating and eroding the shoreline that was my mind.

Out of nowhere, one morning I was so fatigued by the thoughts that I finally caved – the last wave tipped the scales and darkness engulfed everything I thought I had understood in life.

I remember leaving school as early as I could that day and reaching home to lock myself in my room. I was supposed to visit my grandparents that evening, but clearly, I was not up to it. Neither did I have plans to attend school the following day.

In the privacy of my bedroom, I began to lay out everything that I just could not understand, peeling them layer by layer like onions, trying to get to root as to why I was hurting so bad.

But after hours and hours of just digging deeper into what I now call a rabbit hole, I just could not find any answers. Even if I appeared to find some resolution, the next question leading to yet another dead end was: “So what can you do to change this?”

How painful it was to keep peeling that onion until nothing was left. “Nothing” was the only answer I was left with.

The first thing I felt was numbness – oh how I wished to stay in a vacuum bubble and not have to deal with haunting questions with no answers! There was absolutely no drive or energy within me to do simple things like wake up or eat.

I reached out to one my closest friends to ask him to help make sense of things, and after a few questions, he said, “Dude, I think you may have a bit of mild depression.”

I can imagine some might say at this point: “No la, that’s not depression.” Or, “Don’t you need to be suicidal?”

It’s not uncommon belief that things like these are but a mentality that can shrugged off with enough willpower, as I myself always perceived it in the past.

However, while a part of me wanted so desperately to break out of that veil of the mind, another part of me was convinced that there was no point trying to – leaving things as they were was much easier. It was definitely harrowing to have to wrestle oneself back to “normal” again.

“Whoever has no rule over his own spirit is like a city broken down, without walls.” (Proverbs 25:28)

I was that city broken down, without walls. I was defeated, and I stayed at the bottom of the rabbit hole for a good two weeks; it really felt like I could permanently be there.

I have come to accept that life on earth will one day fade away, and placing hope in something that does not last forever will definitely be meaningless.

I thank God, because on an unexpected afternoon, I picked up my Bible after two weeks of abandoning it on the bedroom floor, and understanding finally came my way.

“This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast …” (Hebrews 6:19)

I have come to accept that life on earth will one day fade away, and placing hope in something that does not last forever will definitely be meaningless, no matter how many angles you try to look at it from.

And I have found strengthened hope in Jesus who is unchangeable, someone with no end – and therefore, anchoring upon Him who is constant through the ages, there is surety in that there is meaning to life.

More importantly, I have learned that if one leaves his spirit unguarded, he is reduced to a sitting duck, vulnerable to any offence that comes his way.

So like a city with broken walls, I am slowly gathering back my bricks as I walk towards my Cornerstone, ready to fix the walls that have been broken down (Ephesians 2:19-22).

If you are feeling the same way, these are two quotes that helped me to better understand what was going through my head.

“Your feelings are real, but they are not the truth.”
“Your suffering, no matter how small, is meaningful to God.”

There is a better hope out there, and I hope you find it as well.

This article was first published on Weiren’s blog and is republished with permission.