I grew up with a lot of anger and bitterness towards my father because our family was very poor.

There wasn’t such a thing as going to McDonald’s, and I had never tasted sushi until much later in my life. We couldn’t afford all these simple luxuries that other people enjoyed.

Whenever we ate dai chow (Malaysian version of zi char), we couldn’t even order side dishes. We could only order individual plates and share.

Some nights, I would wake up in the middle of the night full of sweat in my bed. That was when I knew that our electricity had been cut. This had happened quite a number of times because we hadn’t paid the electricity bills for more than three months.

Because we were poor, I grew up with a lot of questions and doubts and often asked God why my family had to suffer so much.

My parents used to sell claypot chicken rice. So, at night, I would go and help them by the side of the road. Whenever they finished selling, I would be standing next to the long kang (drain), scraping the claypots and washing the forks and spoons.

I started working from a very young age to help and support the family like this. I also worked in restaurants and cafes, in factories, by hanging buntings along the road in the middle of the night… I took on all sorts of odd jobs to support my family and pay off whatever debt we had.

My sister and I were forced to grow up very quickly because we had to mature and support our family, and it was also why I grew to hold a lot of anger and resentment for my dad.

In my eyes, my dad didn’t fulfil his role as the breadwinner and provider of the family. I also felt like he didn’t come through as the head of the household and lead the family spiritually.

So, at an age when I couldn’t understand many things in life, the person that I blamed was him. All my anger, hatred and bitterness was pointed towards him.

Believing that he failed as a father, I grew up not respecting him at all. I wouldn’t take any advice from him or care about what he said. All our interactions were superficial and we could never go into deep conversations.

That went on for more than 10 years until I met my wife, Phoebe.

Clean house

Before we got married, Phoebe told me, “I think you really need to sort things out with your father.”

I didn’t know how to do it. I didn’t even want to do it. It had already been so many years – how do you even rewind through all that?

But Phoebe told me that, because we were getting married, she wanted the full blessings and the spiritual inheritance of my parents. Since we would start our own family in the future, it was also very important for me to straighten things out with my dad.

I prayed really hard about it. Phoebe also prayed together with me for two weeks until we felt that the time was right for me to have that conversation with my father.

That day, I invited my dad into my room. I also asked my mum to come along because I was too scared. If things went south and we started arguing, I figured my mum could be the peacemaker and mediate.

And then, I apologised to my dad. Even though I felt like he was the offender and he had wronged me, I said sorry for the fact that I didn’t respect or honour him as my father.

He is the one that God has placed in my life and my family, and I failed to respect and honour him as my father all these years. As his son, I asked for his forgiveness. That really caught him by surprise.

In that moment, the Holy Spirit touched all of us. I wept because apologising was hard – there was so much anger and resentment from all the growing up years.

But that night ended well. I asked for my dad’s forgiveness and I gave him a hug as well. That turned out to be a point of breakthrough for us.

Healing will take time

The truth is, reconciliation is still a work-in-progress for us.

We had a breakthrough moment, but that doesn’t mean that we could immediately go on a trip with each other the next day. That conversation happened in 2019, and reconciliation is still a work-in-progress today.

Nevertheless, because of that moment, my relationship with my father has improved so much. I’ve released the anger and we have forgiven one another.

God has taken away all our anger, bitterness and hatred, and replaced them with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.

A few months ago when my dad was hospitalised for a minor surgery, I visited him and we chatted for over an hour. I shared with him about my life, the podcast I started, the problems I face in ministry and so on. That would have been impossible in the past.

When I came home that day, I remember telling Phoebe, “I had so much fun talking to my dad. I really enjoyed our conversation.”

Though it’s not like we are like best mates, it’s still a huge difference when I compare it to our relationship six years ago.

What would it take to reconcile with our dads?

Sometimes I ask myself why I didn’t do it earlier, and I think it’s because of pride.

I grew up very quickly and I was already working full-time by the age of 20. I felt like it was my responsibility to pay the bills and provide for my family. I almost viewed myself as the head of the household. 

Therefore, God really needed to first break that pride in me and convict me, and He did that through Phoebe back then. Otherwise, I really wouldn’t have sought reconciliation. Why should I ask for forgiveness when I felt that my dad owed me an apology?

I also realise that though I easily blamed my dad for all the hardships I had to go through as a teenager, I also failed to see all the rebellious and stupid things that I had done.

So, we need to overcome pride and let love in.

Today, just showing my dad that I love him and am looking out for him has softened his heart – he is a much more mellow and gentler man now.

It is an amazing transformation for my whole family that I know only God could have done.