“So when was the first time you were attracted to someone of the same sex?”

“In primary school. I was seven.” As the words left my mouth, I saw a look of disappointment and shock flash across my prayer counsellor’s face before she could hide it.

I’ve struggled with same-sex attraction for the most part of my life. I say “struggled” not just because I’m a Christian and the Bible says it’s wrong, but because each time I’m attracted to or involved with someone of the same sex, I feel a burden in the core of my spirit telling me that it’s wrong. That’s how I know there is a God who convicts and intervenes.

I was born into a Christian home. As a kid, I had crushes on both boys and girls, but boys more. I first felt an attraction to a girl when I received a wallet for my birthday present with my name hand-sewn on it. I was so touched that I started to feel something for her, and I knew it wasn’t normal then.

As I grew into my teenage years, I drew away from God. My feelings for girls got stronger, perhaps because they were unexpressed and unreciprocated. I also started to realise how wrong it was, both in societal and Christianity terms. I had to continually balance between suppressing these feelings and trying to stay in relationships with boys for more than two weeks so no one would find out my secret.

… there is a God who convicts and intervenes.

Eventually, I developed depression and suicidal thoughts. I looked on as my friends got into traditional relationships that lasted more than a year, and I wondered what in the world was was wrong with me. I tried opening up to my cousins, but they thought I was confusing fangirling with real love, and the topic was quickly brushed aside.

And even when I opened up to my counsellor, she told me not to label myself as “bi-sexual”, and the topic was brushed aside as well. I asked God why I was like this, but didn’t get an answer. I wasn’t really listening for one anyway.

At 14, I was lost, helpless and just wanted to disappear. Then came the self-harm, cigarettes, alcohol and drugs. But two years later, I was pulled out of this depression.

“Hey … You know, I’ve always had a crush on you.” She was tall, pretty, had brown eyes and was funny – a friend from my volleyball team. We were both intoxicated that night. I guess that made it easier for her to say it.

After we got into a relationship, we spent all our time together. I felt like I finally knew what real love meant, even though I had already been in several relationships with boys before this. I stopped going to church as I never felt God was relevant to me anyway – and I just wanted to spend all my time with her. I had never felt so happy.

But a year later, I felt a burden on my heart. It was as though someone or something was tugging at it.

This is wrong, this is wrong.

I knew this was about the relationship I was in. I suspected it was God, but didn’t want to acknowledge it at first because I was so desperately in love and I didn’t want anything to ruin that. I even Googled verses in the Bible on homosexuality, trying to find a loophole that would allow me to feel justified in doing what I was doing. But I couldn’t find any that held up. So I tried to ignored the burden and hoped it would go away.

I knew all this was wrong, yet I was getting so much affection and excitement out of this I couldn’t let go.

The next day, I felt it again – but it was even heavier. I don’t know if you’ve felt a burden from God before, but it’s impossible to ignore. This was definitely not just some guilty conscience.

It weighed on my heart for days and when I couldn’t take it anymore, I told her about it.

“If it bothers you this much, then we can break up. As long as you’re happy,” she said.

We didn’t break up. I treasured the relationship so I fought against the burden on my heart for the next five months, until she eventually broke up with me because she was looking for something else. I was absolutely heartbroken.

For the next few years in university, I partied and had random hook-ups with both guys and girls. It always resulted in self-hatred and disgust the next morning, but I always thought it was just because I felt unclean physically. I got into two other same-sex relationships, and each time, I felt the same burden that caused me to end the relationship.

I knew all this was wrong, yet I was getting so much affection and excitement out of this I couldn’t let go.

As time passed, God began to lead me back to Him. I went back to church, and started reading the Bible every day. I even decided to get baptised!

Pre-baptism classes at my church required that I talk with a ministry leader about my relationship with sin. So when I finally plucked up the courage to share this part of my life with my leader, she found out that I was still feeling these attractions and fantasising about engaging with them, only that I didn’t act upon them. She suggested considering attending a healing and deliverance course organised by the church.

The sessions were one-on-on and led by a prayer counsellor. Needless to say, there was a lot of opening up and crying that had to be done. I was guided in reliving my childhood in vivid detail, and we identified how same-sex attraction first came into my life. That childhood incident is something too personal to share.

… I saw many visions of waterfalls, which my prayer counselor interpreted as God washing away my sins …

But as we prayed together, I saw that God was always there throughout my childhood. There was new meaning to Deuteronomy 31:6 for me, which says, “Do not be afraid or terrified, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” He was indeed always with me.

As I was being prayed over during these sessions, I saw many visions of waterfalls, which my prayer counselor interpreted as God washing away my sins and a reminder of the His presence in my life. I felt so assured that God was with me through this process of healing.

As the sessions went on, I progressively felt lighter and lighter, even in other areas of my life. Towards the end of the course, I was taught to put on the armour of God daily, and to guard my mind and body from the evil one (Ephesians 6:14-17).

Today, it’s safe to say I generally don’t feel attracted to those of the same sex. And even when I do feel something, I’m now equipped to resist the temptation completely, even in the mind.

I pray that my story will encourage those of you who feel stuck in something like this, or may have felt a similar burden. Pray and don’t give up. It may even help to sign up for a healing and deliverance session at your nearest church.

Know that all things work in His time; there was a perfect timing for me to be delivered from this, and God knew it wasn’t the right time back when I was still a teen. So He bided His time for 10 years until I was finally ready to come back to Him, and mature enough to delve into this issue.

Perhaps not everyone will lose their same sex attraction in their lifetime, myself included. However, I do believe what 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, that God will never let us be tempted beyond what we can bear, and that He will always provide us with a way out.

For me, this came in the form of the burden that was placed on my heart, and through the progress I made through healing and deliverance. And God allows thorns in our flesh (2 Corinthians 12:6-8) so we will continue to rely on Him and grow deeper in our relationship with Him.

Even in my desires, God is steering me away from the eternal destruction that is the result of a heart led astray. After all, being human, we tend to forget about the goodness of God during the good times. So if I need a thorn in my flesh to keep me close to God all the time, then I’m grateful to have to manage this.

I do this with a loving and gracious God who will never forsake me.

The author’s name has been changed to protect her identity.