Breaking up is, without a doubt, an absolute pain to go through. Add “church” into the mix, and what you have is an extremely complicated situation. 

My ex and I were from the same church. More specifically, we were in the same section in the worship ministry (why God).

Post-breakup, the tiny distance between us that used to be a blessing now felt like a curse. 

The place where I once felt most comfortable had become a place I was afraid of returning to every week.

I was afraid of seeing him and how I would react. Everything reminded me of him, especially since the church was a place we both loved. 

It didn’t help that we were (and are still) serving in the worship ministry. Every time I went on stage, I had to silently pray against distractions and consciously push out thoughts of him as I tried to worship. 

I felt like I was failing God every time I served or even during services because my mind was so far away. I hated myself for allowing my emotions to have such a strong hold on me. 

Here’s what I learned through the healing process. 

Serving and grieving don’t have to be exclusive

I was so close to stepping down from my ministry.

I felt emotionally exhausted and I couldn’t bear to keep serving God when I was so far from Him. I felt like a hypocrite on stage, encouraging others to lift their hands when I just felt like crumbling. 

But God called out to me in my brokenness.

I was serving on stage one day when I felt Him ask me to open my eyes during worship. I saw the entirety of His people pouring out their hearts to Him.

It was as if God was saying: “Every single person in this hall is in their own wilderness, but still they worship Me and I hear them.”

I gave everything I had in that service, and in my surrender I found joy because I knew God was cheering me on.

That said, serving didn’t become effortless overnight. Often, it still hurt to praise Him – but I felt my conviction slowly reignite.

Soon, I came to see every service as a new chance to please God in my brokenness.

God also showed me this: Serving isn’t just leading God’s people, it’s also allowing God to lead you in your personal life.

Navigating through community

I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another in what you say and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought.” (1 Corinthians 1:10)

No matter how well a relationship ends, there’s bound to be tangled feelings left in its wake.

I found myself holding back in my fellowship group when my ex was around; the effects of the breakup were also seeping into my other relationships in church.

It was by being honest with my leaders that I was able to move forward. I struggled with opening up for fear of others thinking it was my fault that the relationship failed.

At the same time, I desperately hoped that someone would reach out to me. 

God provided me with people who graciously walked me through my pain, but it took openness on my end as well.

They solidified the church as a safe space for me and I tried to be as open as possible by letting them know how I wanted to be supported.

Even if I didn’t have answers, they stayed by my side and encouraged me to keep growing. 

I also learnt that while not every breakup may end amicably, it’s important to recognise God’s will for His church is that we are united.

There may be disagreements, relationships may break down – but we are all bound together on a higher level in God’s love.

So let’s strive to protect unity and one another as best as we can.


While writing this, I asked my ex about his own thoughts.

I struggled to put reconciliation into words because I’m still fighting that battle.

There are many other broken parts in me waiting to be surrendered to God and complete healing still feels far away.

But my ex talked about conversations being a good sign of reconciliation. 

It’s definitely not a solid indication of closure, but it’s a step forward.

I found myself laughing as he was speaking, feeling a lightness in my spirit that I hadn’t felt, being around him, in a long time.

I sat at my void deck when his car drove off, to take a minute with God. Then I prayed the same prayer I had been making for months:

“God, I surrender any feelings of loneliness, longing and loss to You. I thank You for seeing me through every season. I know You are with me, so let me remain in You.”

  1. Have you experienced a breakup in church? Where was God for you in that season?
  2. Do you know someone going through a breakup in church? How can you can support them?