My family is a very traditional Chinese family with staunch religious beliefs. So though I’ve wanted to come to church since I was 5 years old, I was not allowed to do so.

When I was in primary school, I was introduced to what I felt was a nightmare. I was bullied physically, emotionally and verbally. And it wasn’t just one mean girl saying a few childish things about me – I was bullied by my entire class from when I was about 10 years old.

Coming from a class of rich and smart students, there was a hierarchy. I just happened to not be a part of the popular gang. I was bullied verbally: they would search up mean words from electronic dictionaries to label me with every day, like “slut”, “vixen”, “fat” and “spastic”.

They took my things and broke them, told me I shouldn’t eat or hide away my personal things, tore up the songs I wrote and made fun of my diary.

Whenever I tried to run and seek help, they would stop me by pulling me by the hair and telling me they’d stop … but they never did.

They told me to go and do everyone a favour and die. I didn’t, and I still don’t understand why I was treated that way.

They would “use” me when they needed me, but when they didn’t – I became irrelevant. Eventually, I thought that I was bullied because I was just me, and that it was my fault for being the way I was. My family put a high emphasis on grades and being in the best class, so being one of the worst students in class only damaged my self-esteem even further.

They told me to go and do everyone a favour and die.

Over time, this resulted in a few disorders. The eating disorder was the first. I hated my looks and my self-esteem plunged. I developed anxiety and depression from around the age of 11. I also had really bad insomnia, sleeping less than 4 hours on a regular basis.

I resorted to self-harm, cutting myself in hidden places like my hip to distract myself from the pain that I so desperately wanted to alleviate. I told no one about what I was doing, wanting to die more and more each day. I didn’t seek any help from anyone, not wanting to be even more of a problem or burden anymore.

I began to plan ways and means to kill myself. 

Life did get a bit better in secondary school: I wasn’t being bullied anymore, though I never really did fit in.

My negative mentality and poor self-image were already fixed in place. I was socially awkward, unable to talk to anyone properly without feeling judged or paranoid. I identified with the labels everyone had given me in primary school and was so used to hiding.

Just when I thought I was slowly getting over my eating disorder, something really bad happened. In secondary 2, I had a really bad anxiety attack in school after finding out I failed one of my papers. They had to send me to the hospital in an ambulance.

Because of this episode, my parents and my school finally found out about all my struggles. Everything came out and I was terrified. I was diagnosed with generalised anxiety, depression, suicidal tendencies and an eating disorder. I could no longer engage in physical activity because I would hyperventilate every time I ran.

People would sneak in plastic knives to harm themselves and it was blatantly obvious that everyone there was driven by the desire to die.

I got even worse after the diagnoses. I was very, very suicidal and was put on constant watch because I overdosed on pills and self-harmed constantly – desperate to find outlets to escape.

I was then admitted into the hospital for about week in the psychiatric ward so doctors could watch me. Being in the psychiatric ward was a huge struggle for me and it seemed like a never-ending nightmare. They would take away simple items such as soap and toothpaste to ensure that no one would harm themselves. People would sneak in plastic knives to harm themselves and it was blatantly obvious that everyone there was driven by the desire to die.

In the psychiatric ward, all we did was talk about death and share about ways to die. I never got any better and I eventually simply aimed to get discharged as soon as possible instead of getting well because it felt like I was drowning.

My life only turned around when I first truly encountered Jesus.

After being discharged, there was one night when I got extremely suicidal. But in the throes of depression, I had this strange and clear urge to call my school’s house captain. I wasn’t very close to her and I had no reasons to call her, but I did anyway.

While I had never been one to talk about my struggles, I surprised myself by sharing about my struggles with her, telling her that I didn’t know what to do.

She happened to be with her cell group from church and she invited me to get to know more friends from the cell. I was super apprehensive when they added me into the cell group chat, anxious about everything – very skeptical about church. I didn’t believe anyone could really accept and love me.

I was certain that I’d end up ostracised, that even God couldn’t understand my pain.

… though life doesn’t get simpler, God makes a way for me.

Besides, I also highly doubted that my parents would allow me to go to church due to their religious beliefs. I turned out to be wrong about that.

My parents surprisingly allowed me to attend church, so 29 November 2014 was the day I first attended service at Faith Community Baptist Church (FCBC). There I experienced the tangible and amazing presence of God in worship. I broke down during the alter call, and it was then I knew that God was real.

God opened my heart and showed me true love and acceptance that day. That was the beginning of my healing as God started to become very real in my life.

It’s been four years since I’ve accepted Christ, and it has been the best decision of my life.

Life didn’t magically get easier, I still had my struggles in life. I made many mistakes and had my faith tested. But I can say this: though life doesn’t get simpler, God makes a way for me.

I no longer rely on any form of medication or go to the hospital for any treatment anymore. I was personally convicted to trust in God alone for healing, and He came through for me that way.

I struggle much less with anxiety and no longer feel suicidal or depressed all the time. I eat consistently now and I can do exercise – even joining a sports CCA in JC after not having done any physical activity for 3 years.

It isn’t that God makes problems go away. He can do that, but in my experience He transforms people in the process – He changed me as a person through my trials completely. I was someone who was used to fear every day, but now I’ve grown to see the good in life even when things get tough.

I can praise God in every situation and circumstance. I now know that my identity and worth come only from the Lord and that He makes things beautiful in His own time and in His own way. I’ve been blessed with a community in FCBC that truly supports me and I really am grateful to be given the life I have.

It’s been four years since I’ve accepted Christ, and it has been the best decision of my life.

The song I wrote, Guide Me, is about the fear, anxiety, depression and pain in my life that I struggled through. The lyrics reflect the goodness, grace and truth that I’ve come to see in God.

It’s a song that God gave to me, ministering to me when I was at my lowest point. I pray that as we all struggle, we’ll remember that God is sovereign and He is the same God in the good and the bad. We can truly get through everything and anything, not by our own strength, but by His. All Glory to God!

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” ( 2 Corinthians 12:9-10)