Wanna know a secret? On both nights after our church solemnisation and wedding banquet… we took the time to count our angpao money.

Who would do that? This is a question you might ask, but the rising cost of weddings and the temptation to see whether we covered the cost of the wedding were too real. 

To be really, really truthful, the amount we received couldn’t cover the cost of the wedding. It was definitely a challenge for us, especially when we saw our bills racking up in the days before the wedding itself.

But first, where did this angpao culture come from in the first place? Delving deeper into our traditions, angpao giving is actually a practice that began more than 1,000 years ago in China as parents gave their children 100 coins or “ya sui qian” in the belief they’ll live up to 100 years old.

Understanding the principle behind tradition helps us understand that it is also human nature to desire to see some form of reciprocity as a symbol of genuine human connections in your life.

The Malaysian woman’s laments are thus understandable because she probably expected her colleagues to value her as much as she did them. The issue here is that she failed to consider that her friends might be tight on money due to their own circumstances.

Reflecting on this as a couple, we wondered if we would be able to see beyond money as the only way to express love and support.

Some friends were struggling financially and we made sure to express that we didn’t expect them to cover the cost, and that their support in the form of their presence in our lives already meant a lot to us. 

Many couples nowadays try to manage their expectations of being able to cover the cost of their weddings given the rising costs (one table alone could cost more than $2,000!).

… it is precisely through the giving of ourselves that we get to see the true condition of our hearts. 

However, looking at the bigger picture, we personally believe in being generous and hospitable in the way we conduct our wedding.

We are celebrating something bigger than us — we are reflecting what a celebration it would be during the great reunion of Christ and His Church!

So, we hoped our wedding would be a reflection of this, and that it would allow our guests — believers and non-believers alike — to experience that.

Anchoring this decision of ours is God’s radical generosity.

He gave His most treasured Son to die an excruciating death on the cross when we least deserved it, so that we may freely receive the gift of salvation and not perish. 

Our values and what we really believe are revealed when our guests don’t give “enough”. So, our values and actions should wholly be based on the Word of God and on upholding godly values. 

In Acts 20:33-35, Paul reminds us that it is more blessed to give than to receive; it is precisely through the giving of ourselves that we get to see the true condition of our hearts. 

Personally, our wedding really taught us precious lessons and offered us biblical perspectives on handling money and stepping into marriage. A social gathering of such a large scale is also really a priceless opportunity to exhibit radical generosity in our hospitality and giving unto others.

And so, we’d like to share our top three takeaways from our big day.

1. Alignment as a couple is key

Stepping into marriage, we wanted to establish our new household upon godly foundations.

That meant that both of us must be aligned in our expectations. Working through our disagreements and understanding each other’s perspectives are extremely important, because they might differ due to our family backgrounds and expectations. 

Practically, it can look like setting a reasonable timeline and managing the finances well. We had an Excel template to help us be wise with our money, and also planned to stagger down payments across a period of time.

All this meticulous planning reduced our stress because it lessened the chances of oversight. 

Had we not planned in advance, the cheaper options might not have been available and there could have been a tendency to succumb to the more expensive options.

We were also clear on our budget and we spent within our means because God calls us to be good stewards of our resources. 

2. Communication with family is important

Our families play a big part in bringing us up, and the wedding is often a major way to express our gratitude to them.

It takes a lot of wisdom to understand things from their cultural and generational perspectives, and we have personally come to see it as a blessing to them by learning to value what they value.

We had to bridge the gap in our parents’ understanding by patiently helping them understand our rationale for doing certain things, while also accommodating their requests and preferences.

That’s why clear communication with our families is so important. 

3. It’s not all about us

At our wedding, we wanted to celebrate the people who have played a significant part in our lives and made us the people we are today. 

And so, at every step of the way, we strived to be thoughtful and we considered what it would take for our guests to feel appreciated. One practical example was ordering food that our guests like, to show our appreciation for them. 

At the end of the day, having our communities and guests at the heart of our decisions changed our approach to our spending.

Ultimately, it is our hope to value the precious communities we have had in our lives, and also to appreciate the people who have loved us and journeyed with us through our ups and downs.