Between my boyfriend and I, we can both safely say that I’m the louder, more domineering half.

I’m forthcoming, he’s laid-back; I’m action-oriented, he’s … well, let’s just say he likes to think through his options.

I pretty much set the pace. I tend to be the one who asks, “What shall we do on our next date?” – meaning I effectively plan all our dates. I’m the one suggesting when to meet the parents and so on.

It isn’t that he’s a pushover or that that I’m bossy (honest). But given our personalities – I’m a doer, he’s a thinker – I’m just more used to taking charge of situations.

This doesn’t sit well with the girls-should-submit-guys-should-lead mantra that we learn in church. But does this mean that girls can only date guys who are more dominant than them?

LEADING OUT OF CHARACTER

Interestingly, in his advice on marital relationships in his letter to the Ephesians, Paul does not explicitly instruct husbands to lead their spouses. It is, instead, an inference from his exhortation towards wives, whom he encourages to submit to their husbands as the head of the household, just as how Christ is the head of the Church (Ephesians 5:23-24).

After addressing the females, Paul then turns to the male audience and explains what this means for them.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. (Ephesians 5:25-27)

Which means that husbands are to love their wives sacrificially as the head of the household, and in tandem with the wife’s submission.

What is painted is a posture of humility, not domination, by the husband, who is to care for his wife out of deep love for her and for God. That is the true picture of leadership in a relationship, consistent with the servant leadership that is a recurring theme in Jesus’ teachings (Matthew 20:28, 1 Peter 5:2-3, Philippians 2:5-7).

There are many different models of leadership. You can be brave and decisive like Joshua, or meek and unassuming like Moses – it doesn’t matter. Personality doesn’t define a leader, character does.

Physical temptation is real in a relationship – and it’s a real challenge.

LEADING TOWARDS HOLINESS

In the same breath, Paul points men in the direction they should be heading in a marriage: To eventually present their wives to Christ as holy and blameless (Ephesians 5:27). It is important to know the bearing, because charging ahead isn’t necessarily right, if it’s a charge away from – not towards – God.

Where this can be a challenge is in physical intimacy. Physical temptation is real in a relationship. I wish more churches and Christians would talk about this.

To be honest, I’m the one in my relationship who’s constantly testing and pushing the limits of our boundaries. But this is a charge away from holiness – what is seen as “leading” is merely a drawing away from God’s ways.

My boyfriend, thankfully, has more self-control than I do. He stands firm in spite of my advances. In such cases, leading isn’t about what he’s doing, but what he chooses not to do. His leading is about giving pause to consider what God would say about the situation. Leading may even involve retracting a decision made in haste.

As paradoxical as this may sound, a true leader is first and foremost a follower – He follows God and then pulls others in the same direction.

THE BETA HALF

I’m still figuring out what leading and submitting means in a relationship, but I’m learning that being assertive is not a prerequisite to being a leader. If anything, biblical leading means to demonstrate Christ’s love in helping the other person walk towards Christlikeness.

My boyfriend is the first to put down his pride every time we fight. Without fail, I’ll receive a text from him initiating reconciliation the next morning – while I’d have spent all night stirring in my sleep in anger.

I may have the personality of a leader – read: I’m louder – but he leads in his quiet way. There in the stillness, his love – for not just me, but also for God – rings loud and clear.

And while my go-getter, just-do-it nature means I jump quickly into new tasks and projects, his contemplative side kicks in to help me assess the situation and counsel me on my judgment.

“Is this really biblical?” he’d ask.

I may have the personality of a leader – read: I’m louder – but he leads in his quiet way. There in the stillness, his love – for not just me, but also for God – rings loud and clear.

So to all girls out there, don’t be put off by finding someone you’re willing to submit to. Just focus on finding someone who loves you like Christ does, and more importantly, who loves God more than he loves you.

When your better half is wholeheartedly following God, he’ll lead you towards Him too.