I had the opposite experience to the writer of When I didn’t make it to OCS. I made it, to my surprise. But not for long.
When I received my posting after completing Basic Military Training (BMT), I was shocked to see the three letters “OCS” on the online portal, indicating that I was going to Officer Cadet School. Only the most outstanding and exceptional recruits from BMT had the privilege to enter OCS. I’d struggled with physical fitness a lot in BMT, so this was unexpected.
I believed that God had placed me in OCS for a reason, and I held on to the belief that He would see me through the next nine months of my training.
And God did place me there for a reason. But not for the reason I envisioned.
The best man that I can ever be is the man God created me to be.
Barely a month into OCS, I suffered from an asthma attack during one of my exercises.
When I was brought to the Medical Centre, the doctor took a look at my medical records and nonchalantly commented: “There was a mistake in your physical employment status. I’m afraid that due to your asthmatic condition, you are deemed unfit and will be unable to continue your training in OCS.”
He prepared some documents, sent me back to my platoon commander, and that was that. From that moment on, I was out of OCS.
Everything happened so fast; I was completely devastated. That night, I lay on my bed and cried out to God for an explanation.
How could this happen? I thought you placed me here for a reason? God, was I not good enough? Why can’t I be like the rest of them, who have so little difficulty excelling in the army?
The days and months that followed were the most painful of my NS life. My faith in the goodness of God was shaken and I began to retreat from the community that God had placed around me – for fear of being labelled as a failure.
I simply could not fathom how such a loving God could put me through a recurring cycle of failure and emotional pain.
One year later, I’ve begun to see God’s hand over the whole situation. He was bringing me through a long and painful process of refinement and closure. He led me to understand how His plan for me was better than anything that I could ever imagine.
WHAT I LEARNT FROM GETTING KICKED OUT OF OCS
1. My worth as a man of God is not determined by the world
In the testosterone-fuelled environment of NS, I struggled with my identity as a man of God. I dismissed the emotional side of me as uncharacteristic of guys, and actively strived to fit into society’s perfect mould of how men should be like, in terms of my physique, looks, intelligence and personality.
This led me to place my worth as a man into factors such as my physical abilities. Getting kicked out of OCS made me falsely believe that I was simply not “man” enough; it was a sharp jab at my already-fragile male identity.
However, God gently and gradually revealed to me that society’s portrayal of the ideal man was one that was completely flawed. He impressed on me the meaning behind Psalm 139:14 in relation to male identity.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvellous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. (Psalm 139:14)
The best man that I can ever be is the man God created me to be. There was no need for me to strive to become the guy that I wanted to be.
I had unconsciously made officership one of the checkboxes in my mental list of male attributes that I wanted to possess. I didn’t need to be an officer to be a mighty warrior of God. My identity as a man of God can be attained by first allowing my soul to understand this fundamental truth: That God had already made me perfect and marvellous, according to His will for me.
When we begin to understand that our worth as a man is first and foremost found in our Father, we will break the power that society’s false portrayal of male identity has on us. We will seek validation of our identity from God, and not from society, or our own abilities.
What a liberating truth: That every aspect of our identity has been specifically shaped by God for a reason. And knowing this, there is no reason for us to try to be someone else.
2. Releasing control of my life brings about true freedom in God.
My desire to become an officer as a form of validation of my identity made me to yearn for control over my life. I wrongly believed that being able to control the outcomes of my decisions and efforts would allow me to gain freedom in my life.
However, my asthma attack led me to realise that attempting to gain control was an exercise in futility – it would simply make me tired, weary, and cause me to miss out on the greater things that God has prepared for me. It was only after I laid down my personal, prideful ambitions that I began to wholeheartedly trust in His will for me.
If we are willing to approach the throne of grace with a yielded heart, God will give us rest (Matthew 11:28), strength for our current season (Isaiah 41:10), direction (Proverbs 3:5-6) and hope (Jeremiah 29:11). When we lay down our pride and tell God, “yes I am willing to release control over my life and let you reign instead”, we will be able to step into true freedom, where our burden is light.
I wrongly believed that being able to control the outcomes of my decisions and efforts would allow me to gain freedom in my life.
For those who are serving NS and have unexpectedly hit a roadblock, I pray that God will reveal to you the indescribable amount of love that He has for you through the situation.
I pray that even though your current circumstances might be painful and seemingly inescapable, God will break through the barriers and comfort you with His peace.
I pray that you will have an identity that is rooted in being first and foremost a son of God, without the need to strive to be anyone else.
I pray that you will come to a place of complete surrender to Him and personally experience the goodness that comes from trusting Him wholeheartedly.
There will definitely be twists and turns in your NS life and things might seem bleak. But hold fast to His promises. His way is infinitely better than the best thing that the world has to offer.
Raphael believes that fried chicken and a good gym workout go well together. He is passionate about community and loves a good conversation. In his spare time, he also tries to take photos at @raphaelhugh.
