In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. (Proverbs 16:9)

I wrote that verse out and put it up on my room walls the night before my ‘A’ Level examinations.

Five years later, that poster has completely faded out. But the verse is etched onto my heart.

I had my future all planned out.

I was very sure that after graduation I would be diving into my highly-anticipated design career. My dream? To be working with East Asian design powerhouses. I had no time to lose; I had to start somewhere quick. Somewhere prestigious would be good.

So I did. I loved the work I was doing so much so that I could turn a blind eye to the consistent long working hours.

Deep down I knew that my soul needed something more, something greater. But what I saw there and then was me progressing towards the fulfilment of my dream.

“FOOL”-TIME MINISTRY?

I first heard of Thir.st somewhere in mid-2015. A faith-based creative project? Sounds like a wonderful initiative, I thought.

But when a friend asked me if I would consider working full-time there, my mind screamed: Run!
I’ll be honest. The idea of working at Thir.st scared me.

All I could see was what a hindrance to my life full-time ministry would be. Full-time? More like fool-time.

Full-time ministry meant that my dream career would have to be put on hold indefinitely. No reputable industry career for my parents to be proud of, no fat paycheques to splurge on holidays and, you know, things.

All I could see was what a hindrance to my life full-time ministry would be. Full-time? More like fool-time.

Think about it, my friend would go on to tell me. So Thir.st sat quietly at the back of my mind for the year that flew by.

THERE MUST BE MORE THAN THIS

Upon graduation, I received job offers here and there. I went for interview after interview, but none of the jobs sat well with me. These things, as I realised later, would only be distractions that would not allow me to get to where God wanted me to be.

I knew that there must be more than this, but I was avoiding thinking about Thir.st at the same time. I continued flirting with my options while pretending to not hear God.

I was on the run; I would not surrender myself.

Deep inside me I bargained with Him. I already gave You the days of my youth and my entire university life! I thought it was enough. I thought it was the end of me taking surprising turns in life.

But God is patient. He perseveres. In passionate pursuit of me, He outran me. One afternoon, at a prayer meeting in church, an old worship song started cranking up in my head, and the lyrics came to life for me.

God of my youth I remember
Your call on my life took me over
Your love has seen me through all my days
I stand here by Your grace

I decided to stop checking my email inbox for anymore job offers. I was done with pretending. I’m in, I told God.

On May 23, 2016, I gave my word to work full-time at Thir.st. On my way home, I finally checked my email. A new email came in – a job offer from a government ministry. I would be lying if I said my heart didn’t dip a little when I saw it.

But as with all distractions, the disappointment was extremely short-lived (10 minutes, to be exact). I knew that the burden in my heart had finally been lifted. The wrestling stopped. For now.

WRESTLING BUT NOT RESTLESS

On July 4, 2016, I took my seat in the office and embarked on a new journey as the visual editor of Thir.st.

There isn’t anything romantic about full-time ministry. The world wonders why a fresh grad will dive seemingly unthinkingly into full-time ministry work. My parents wonder if they’ve raised a child with no sense of reality and responsibility. Friends wonder if perhaps it was the only and last door open.

What a fool, some laughed.

Church friends think it must be really rosy and cosy. It’s not. The wrestling continues.

There are days when I return home from a gathering with friends who are now working in high places and I feel dejected. There are days when I go to a secular gathering and get teased about selling my life to the church. There are days when I receive lucrative job offers from prestigious design studios and I wish in my heart that God would just say go.

People ask me all the time how long I see myself being in this for. I don’t know. The act of surrender involves not setting a deadline while putting your hands to the plough.

But my wrestling does not equate to restlessness. One year on, I have learnt to see the purpose behind my work. I have seen how the stories have touched people and how the content has helped many. I begin to see my role as a facilitator to bring people one step closer to God.

People ask me all the time how long I see myself being in this for. I don’t know. The act of surrender involves not setting a deadline while putting your hands to the plough.

You surrender the end as you did the beginning. You devote your all wholeheartedly to whatever you do, right here, right now. No thinking about what if, what could have been, what could be.

There is no personal glory and agenda in my work. Since this is what I do, I do my best. I no longer wrestle about the surrendering, but I only wrestle to surrender. In my wrestling there is peace.

If the days of my youth (or whatever is left of it) are called to be given to Him fully with my arms open wide and my heart fully surrendered, then so be it.

Yes, God. I’ll say yes every day.