April 12, 2020. 

This was the day I was going to make my public declaration as a follower of Christ, nearly two decades since I first repented of my sin and prayed to ask Jesus into my life.

It’s been a very long journey – what started as a challenge to God to prove His existence has evolved into a willingness to follow Him, even if I don’t know clearly what lies in the road ahead. 

I am a first-generation Christian and firstborn. Even though I studied in a Methodist secondary school by God’s grace, my parents gave me a very stern warning about becoming a Christian before the first day of school. Their stand was clear and firm.

Despite that, I felt led to say the Sinner’s Prayer when I was 13 or 14 years old because I was disturbed by the persistent spiritual encounters I had been having at home.

I would often see a black shadow that no one else could see – it could be there when I walked into the kitchen and looked back; at times I would wake up in the middle of the night and see it. 

Feeling like I had nothing to lose, I prayed: “Jesus, if You are who they say You are, save me from this disturbance and I will follow You no matter what.”  

Amazingly, I stopped seeing that shadow the very night after my prayer.

Even though I decided to follow Jesus, it got increasingly challenging for me to worship God, read His Word, or attend church or cell-group meetings.

I didn’t know what to do, so I hid my little Gideon’s Bible and tried to read it from time to time throughout secondary school and junior college.

I struggled between feeling like I failed God because I didn’t have the courage to own up to my belief in Him, and the fear of persecution and chaos in the family should I do so.

It was only in university when I joined a campus ministry that I was able to freely worship Him, study His Word and serve Him. It was then I also had a community to discuss my doubts with.

I still tried to keep my involvement in ministry activities under wraps. At times, however, I would place a brochure or discipleship material on my desk, hoping that my parents would see it. 

Those days with Cru really opened my eyes to God, convicted my heart to follow Him and gave me strength to persevere in my walk in the years that followed.

But once I graduated, my walk with God began to take a backseat. I backslided during those years, but I refused to let go of my belief in Christ.

Because of the demands of work and concerns from my parents, I didn’t go to church. I also didn’t spend time reading the Bible – all I did was talk to God occasionally and listen to worship songs.

I dreamt of attending church one day, but I lacked the courage to be proactive because I was also afraid of not knowing how to connect with a crowd of people whom I didn’t know.

It was after I got married and moved out that I felt free to be able to attend church. In 2012, I stepped into my current church and found a cell group I could be part of – more than 10 years after I became a Christian.

During my journey of faith, the question of baptism came up several times over the years. I once felt that perhaps baptism was not necessary, but I could never feel peaceful about this thought, so I asked for guidance and prayer on this matter.

I later contemplated getting baptised without telling my family, but God made it clear to “honour your father and mother” (Matthew 19:19a).

One time, I felt a conviction in my heart that I would get baptised at 35 years old. Through the many years that followed, I would ask Him: “Is this really You speaking, or am I giving myself such a far-off date because of my cowardice?” 

Each time, the same words would come to me: “35 years old”.

“God, You are asking me to wait a very long time,” I conceded one day. But that was also when I stopped questioning and started waiting. 

Finally, things started to shift in 2019. My church was calling for those who were interested in getting baptised, and I was suddenly sharply alert. I was 34 years old then!

I didn’t respond to the call immediately as I was distracted with my two young children. However, weeks later, I felt a strong prompting to enquire about baptism and joining the church as a member.

As it later turned out, my family’s overseas trip would clash with the next round of baptism planned for December. I was advised to attend the course anyway, but only get baptised in April 2020.

I was exhilarated, but also agonised over how to break this news to my parents. I remembered praying: “Father, what if they cannot embrace my decision?”

It was then I started to recall God’s goodness to me throughout the years. Praying to commit the decision into His hands, I asked my friends to pray for me.

I strongly desired to experience the powerful feeling of being reborn in Christ.

Sometime later, my father texted to arrange for a family lunch on Sunday. The prompting in my heart was louder and stronger than ever – I felt that this was the day I should respectfully inform my parents of my decision to be baptised in 2020.

I hurriedly texted my cell group to ask them to pray for me. On the way to lunch, I was also praying that the conversation with my parents would go well.

When I finally broke the news to my parents, to my surprise, they accepted my decision without anger! My mum even asked if my family would all get baptised together. Praise God!

I successfully completed my six-week baptism course in late 2019, and I was looking forward to April 4 this year, the day of my baptism by immersion. I strongly desired to experience the moment when I would emerge from the waters – the powerful feeling of being reborn in Christ.

Yet as I sit here recounting this journey, I am still not yet baptised – my moment of declaration has not come.

When COVID-19 begun spreading locally by mid-March, I was asked if I still wanted to be baptised by immersion or to be baptised by sprinkling as they were only able to offer the second option now.

Because of social distancing measures, the church would also only be able to seat 250 people for the service, which meant that we were encouraged to ask our friends to watch the baptism through livestream instead.

Strangely, I was not as concerned about the mode of baptism anymore.

I remembered the very first time I had the intention to be baptised: All I wanted was to declare publicly that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Saviour, and that I will have no other God but Him. Announcing that I was now a follower of Christ through this ceremony was all that mattered to me.

I replied that I was willing to be baptised by sprinkling, but even then I learnt that the baptism was now rescheduled for April 12, Easter Sunday, because many churches had suspended their services for two weeks due to the worsening COVID-19 situation. 

Finally, when Singapore entered this circuit breaker and churches could no longer conduct any physical services, it meant that my baptism could not go ahead as well.

I will follow His plans, however it serves His purposes.

As I now wait for my day of baptism (tentatively in December) with a surrendered heart, I feel at peace. This was one of the several Bible verses that spoke to me: 

“Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone.”  (Titus 3:1-2)

While I wait, I’ve found joy in helping those around me source for what they may lack in this challenging time of living amid the spread of COVID-19.

Life isn’t disrupted – life is changed in this new terrain. But our Heavenly Father is unchanging. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Even in the difficult times, God has proven that He is always there for me, and He can bring good out of the bad. 

“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'” (Jeremiah 29:11)

I still hold on to what God has revealed – that I will get baptised when I’m 35 years old. But I will follow His plans come what may, however it serves His purposes.

I will wait in obedience on how and when He will have my baptism to happen.