Most of you know me through 如燕, the theme song of The Little Nyonya, which I’m utterly grateful for. And just like the song which speaks about broken dreams and finding hope in times of difficulties, I, too, have a story of hope to tell.

Today, I don’t want you to know me as Olivia Ong, the singer. I don’t want you to see me for my looks or know me for my voice. I want you guys to know me as I am. The person I was, the person I am and the person I hope to be.

Everybody wants to be well-liked and accepted. Even as kids, we would do all sorts of funny things to gain the attention of adults around us. 

I remember there was once I learnt a dance on a TV show and I was very eager to show my family. But all they said to me was “Sam Seng Por!” And the more they called me “Sam Seng Por”, the harder I danced. 

Looking back at the memory, I can laugh now. But the truth was, I was really affected by the reaction.

I started to realise that adoration and affirmation had to be earned. And throughout my life, I saw that they were hard to earn.

Then at age 7, I saw Mariah Carey’s live concert on TV and how the audience of 30,000 applauded after her performance. Nobody called her a “Sam Seng Por”!

My first thought was: How can anyone gain so much adoration? I wanted it too.

So when the opportunity came for me to pursue a singing career in Japan, I didn’t even hesitate. I saw it as my shot at fame and adoration.

I was only 17 and full of hope. But what I thought would be the exciting life of a superstar in the making didn’t exactly happen in reality.

Instead of singing at sell-out concerts, I was doing small gigs at Starbucks, Tower Records, HMV music stores and radio stations.

And I interpreted all these as rejection. I was disillusioned and my self-confidence began to plunge.

I started to find ways and means to make myself more attractive as a person.

Instead of studying for my exams, I was studying the faces of fashion models on magazines. I saw how they were so beautiful and so well-loved, and I wanted to be like them.

I literally bought magazines and picked out the prettiest faces, staring at them and thinking somehow that my face would evolve into a beautiful one like theirs.

But the more I compared myself to these beautiful models, the more I hated how I looked. It got so bad that I couldn’t even bring myself to look into the mirror because I thought I was ugly.

Since I couldn’t fix what was on the outside, I tried to compensate for what I lacked on the inside.

From studying faces, I began to study people. I would assess the personalities of whom I greatly admired, pick up their most attractive traits and adopt them as mine. I pretended to be this grand person I was not.

But the more I pretended, the more I felt trapped. I was trying to wear so many masks that I didn’t know who I was anymore. And the worst part? I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t know how to. Because who was I without my masks?

Would people still love me? Would I even like myself?

I was very afraid of knowing. 

Finally, in my desperation, I cried out to God. And in my darkest moment, He said to me: “Stop.”

“Stop trying hard to be the person you are not. I want you to start from a place of honesty. This time, you begin with me.” 

I realised I don’t have to be perfect or beautiful to be liked. I don’t have to hide myself, I don’t have to wear masks, I don’t have to pretend.

Because God accepts me for who I am. He loves me, even with my flaws.

So the healing process within me began. And it’s in the last four years that I’ve been learning how to be honest with myself. And it’s a very scary process.

But God’s love casts out all fear. Slowly, He helped me to grow out of my masks and into my own skin.

Do I still struggle with what people think? Yes. But I try to only care about what God says and the opinions of people who have my best interests at heart.

All my life I thought adoration and affirmation had to be earned. I was always trying so hard to gain approval. But with God, you don’t have to.

There’s a quote by Timothy Keller that sums this up perfectly:

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God.

“It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

And you know what? You are fully known and fully loved by God.

This article was adapted from Olivia Ong’s testimony, which was shared at the Celebration of Hope Freedom of Hope rally on May 17, 2019. Watch our highlight video to catch more action from that night.