I have been struggling for the longest time.

These days, when people ask me what I want to do in the future, I cringe a little when I tell them what I really want to be: A missionary. And I feel like a two-faced liar when I tell them that God has called me to be one.

Truth is, I’m not sure of anything anymore. Sometimes I feel like my faith is fading, and I’ve been struggling even more because of it.

Recently, I started talking about this burnout with a close friend, and what started as a heart-to-heart talk soon became overwhelming when she started asking me to share about what happened and how I fell into it. I felt like a hypocrite on unstable ground, confidently talking about how I know that God had worked in my life when lately I’ve been in such a rut.

Being not disciplined enough to do my quiet time regularly even before the burnout happened soon morphed into glee that I now had a “legitimate” excuse not to – since I was going through burnout. It should have propelled me towards and not away from God, but I was just making excuses for myself.

Not spending time with God has become a habit, and I can feel God’s presence slowing fading out of my life. I start being unsure and insecure because I’m nothing without God. My inner spirit knows it. When I’m away from God, my identity shrinks into nothing but big talk, false confidence and misguided passions.

It makes me wonder how I can function like nothing has happened when I’m just a shell. It makes me wonder how people don’t notice that something so drastic has shifted. I become fleshly and prideful. I secretly judge people and cover it up by pretending I’m not. I’m mean and then feel bad for it. I forget promises I make to important people because, frankly, self-centredness is all that’s left.

The next sign is that I start craving romance and go slightly boy-crazy. I can honestly say, hand on my heart, that idols and famous people have never held my attention for more than a few months in my entire life. But lately, not only have my eyes been wandering, but so has my heart. I’ve been obsessing over celebrities – something that has never happened before, not when I was walking closely with God.

You know how sometimes in a relationship, things are just so bad that you feel like a breakup is inevitable? That’s how I was starting to feel. I told God that it felt like a breakup was going to happen between me and Him. But how do you break up with God?

I thought of my friends who used to love God so much but have since left church. For a while, I could truly understand that. And I thought that I was going to end up like them. Because breaking up with God isn’t just leaving the church. I could still go to church and not be in a relationship with God anymore.

But when I asked God what a breakup with Him would look like, Psalm 139 suddenly came to me.

“Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there.
If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
If I settle on the far side of the sea,
Even there, Your hand will guide me,
Your right hand will hold me fast.”
(Psalm 139:7-10)

It felt like the Word had come alive in me again. There is no breakup with God, no picture of it because it doesn’t exist. God will pursue me to the ends of the earth. He will find me there.

He will bring me back.

I’m making tiny efforts to include God in my daily thoughts again – talking to Him when I’m alone. These used to be sacred moments, sessions where we sat down together and dissected ideas, or when He gave me revelations to things unreachable by my own wisdom or creativity. I need Him to ignite that fire in me once more.

This was first posted on Annette’s blog and has been republished with permission.